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I Know it Will Happen

H

helloitsme

New member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Niagara Falls
#1
I've always felt that it will happen one day. I didn't have anything happen to dictate me feeling this way, I just knew in my bones since I was young that I wouldn't see the day I turn 31.

I've struggled with attempts, and each time I got scared of what would happen next. Part of me is grateful that I got help, but the bigger part hates it. It is such a conflicting thing to have embedded in me, that I am so exhausted and can't wait for that day to come, but my fear of not knowing makes me have to stand another day of it.

The expectancy of relief one day keeps me so blocked in, I've ended up pushing people away. I hate this. It causes me so much distress that I want to make real connections and relationships with people but knowing that's one more person you need to consider before you do anything is terrifying. Terrifying because you want people in your life, but they turn out to be amazing people, and you can't help but resent them for needing you around, because no matter how content you could be in the moment, you still need that relief. I don't want to let anyone else down, and yet here is someone I could see some type of future with, yet no matter how much I want to, I can't let them in.

Relationships are hard when you're depressed. You want the comfort and compassion they can bring, but your subconscious self tells you that you're not good enough. You can't be with a person this good because you'll never be as good as them, you know it will happen and for that, they deserve better. Everyone tells you that having some type of relationship will make you feel better, that they can take some of the weight off your shoulders, but the bottom line is that even when someone wants to, you shut down. You push them away because no one can help. If anything you want to be able to take care of yourself, so being alone would help that, right? That's the excuse you make because you can't let someone in to help, just to turn around and leave them. It happens in different ways, like me, you could really want that relationship, but continue to do things you know will tear it apart and hating that you do, also like me, you could make little effort to even look for anything real and feel terrible in the end because you're isolating yourself.

Being depressed is the most conflicting thing because being depressed means that you're still here feeling miserable. You're here, that's the point. I don't want to be depressed, and I don't know if that means I want to end everything, because depression is so far embedded into me, or that I want to live a depression-free life. Even saying it now I feel as if I know the answer. It's hard to live with depression because the part of you that is keeping you around now (if you're like me) is only doing it because 1) you have people that you care about who would be hurt, and/or 2) you're terrified of what will happen after it's all been said and done. On the other hand, the bigger part of you welcomes the relief you so desperately want, in fact, you can't wait for it. Being depressed is feeling like you're teetering over a fence, on one side, you have fears, people you'll leave behind, maybe even hope, but on the other you have freedom. Being depressed is like being a bug half-crushed, you know the kind you'd step on as a kid and you'd get told to "put it out of its misery," and you wait for that relief.

I can't stand how I ask for help when I know I need it. I do it because like I said, I am scared, but also because it's the right thing to do, and yet, I still get frustrated once I am getting help because that's one more day I need to stay around. I get frustrated thinking "why is it such a big deal for me to leave anyway? Why can't anyone just let me go?" I hate myself for thinking that when I'm the one asking for help. The truth is, I would if I really could, and I hate that I feel like I can't because there is nothing more I want than some relief.

The thing about wanting relief, in my sense at least, is that I don't feel as if I'm rejecting any possibility for things to improve, I don't feel as if I'd be using a permanent "fix" for something temporary. Even in my best moments, the thought always lingers that not having to be around and feeling love and enjoyment would be better than feeling at all.

Living with depression is such a hard thing to do, I just can't wait for the day I won't have to.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
102
Location
California
#2
I think a lot of people with depression feel this way. You have expressed it very eloquently, the pull that so many of us resist, all the while wondering why? I’m hoping for better days for all of us. Hang in there.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
40
Location
California, USA
#3
Hello helloitsme,

So sorry about your situation! It is so heartbreaking. I know I'm not the first to admit that life can suck! And sometimes you just can't win in life, but sometimes you can. Depression is a bummer. It makes you lose motivation, feelings, and spark in life. Depression has made me think in ways that I would never want to think! While I believe it's important to live for those who need you, it is also important to live for yourself. It's hard...I know. It will take effort. Find what makes you thrive. Please continue to seek help. I always tell myself that I only have one life to live. And I'd be pissed as hell if i didn't get to live it the best way I can especially when I have the chance. I wish the very best to you. Please let me know how you're doing. You're not alone in your experience. You can get better.

-Reverie