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I know I need to change

aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Feb 21, 2012
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Sandhurst, Berkshire
I know I need to move on and change and try new things but it's so hard.
I have a brilliant support worker who really understands me and my needs.
Tried to go somewhere today and only got to the door saw some teenagers (I got bullied at secondary school)I then made my escape, she says we can be there support talk to you help you but we can't unfortunately do this part for you.
It's that first scary step I don't know how after 6 months and what I've told and drained her how she still comes back, she's a young person too only a year older than me she's trying to teach me that not all teens and young people are bad and to try and let new experiences come in so the bad memories fade a little as I have nothing else to compare it too. I completely understand her but it's so difficult as she basically holds my hand in everything but I guess she can't with this I have to take the step first then she can support me through it.
I'm just so scared of everyone and everything just even adults now too im so paranoid that everyone is watching staring judging me in reality I know they are not but in my head they are.
I guess I have to take that first step on Tuesday weather I like it or not. I have a social worker meeting in 6 weeks and I think there needs to be some improvement or trying as otherwise I don't know what will happen.
My support worker is so positive and I'm so negative the postivity is when she's around when she goes it's like the hard work she's done just gets wasted.
I just feel like I let her down constantly she said I'm not but its just like a constant battle with wanting to get better or not it's like I have a rope and I'm stuck in the middle not knowing which way to go.
So lost with everything
24 years of being like this not just going to go away lightly but I guess I just have to trust her that last 5% that it will be ok as she will be there.
 
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M

MacLeod

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Hi aleshadxcheryle I think it's great that you have a brilliant support worker, and I think you should trust her that last 5% if she hasn't let you down before she won't now, I understand how difficult it can be and for 24 yrs is horrible but if you carry on doing things little by little it won't always be the way it is now its, not a race but a marthon and having your support worker with you is great and start meeting more positive people ( aventually ) there good not negative people and hopefully over time things will become easier for you.
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Messages
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Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
Thank you for this means a lot.
Yes I think the same she's been with me for 6 months so I've no reason not too trust she will protect me when we are out.
I've made myself a list saying to trust her the last bit, to take the first step and know that she will be there if it were to go wrong.
I guess I just have to stop being paranoid about other people and take that first step that I've put off for so long and trust that it will be ok.
I say all this and then when reality hits and I'm walking into somewhere I just freak out!, just wish I could be strong
 
D

Deliah

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You are stronger than you think. The world is appearing a really frightening place venture into I know and I have felt the same way. I want to tell you, that it is possible to change and slowly things will appear less threatening to you. In my past I was terrified of people too and now I love people and really enjoy them. I recommend mindfulness. It's wonderful that you have someone who can support you to venture out. See it as an opportunity to explore. In time things will get easier. It take great courage for a while, but learning to be in the world, to connect with it is invaluable. Learn mindful practice and positive self talk. What you see comes from you. This is great news. You can change what you see. It is a minds view and if it were true, we would all see the same thing. It's the reason people can respond completely differently to the same thing. We view things with a different mind. Tell yourself some different things, maybe beginning with something like ' I do feel afraid and that ok, but I'm grateful that things can change'. Get a book of affirmations. You can do so much for yourself, you just need to take charge of that mind. love D xxx
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Taking first steps and doing new things is hard, isn't it?
My therapist described it like a baby bird learning to fly. They have to leave the nest at some point, because they can't spend their whole lives sitting there in the nest, so they have to take take that first jump off the branch and test their wings. But, if they don't do very well, or if they bump on the ground, the mother bird is there with a worm or food and she'll go and look after the chick until it has another go.

Your support worker is a bit like that- you have to do the hard bit and take that first step, but she'll be there behind you and with you watching you, so if you do 'bump on e ground' so to speak, she'll be there encouraging you to give it another go. It's a bit like testing yourself - like a baby bird does. Have a go, and then another go, and with each to attempt you get practice and you get stronger, and then eventually you can do it yourself. But all the while your support worker will be there with you.
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Hi pepecat
Yes it is difficult as I've been stuck like this for so long and I've got comfortable being this way even though it's negatively draining as I'm constantly on a rope thinking do I don't i. I'm constantly battling saying can I put myself in what I fear as danger but I know in reality it's not as she's there and if it was that dangerous she wouldn't let me do it.

Thank you for describing this so well! it sounds exactly like the baby bird scenario I never thought about it like that before and it's exactly what my support worker will do and what I need to do too
 
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aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Sandhurst, Berkshire
Hi Delilah
Thank you for your positivity and your experiences these comments have helped me to know that I need to do this and that it can get better over the time.
Thank you for the encouragement I know I now to take control off my mind and don't let it spoil things.
Wednesday's going to be the day but I'm seeing her on Tuesday to plan what we are going to do.
I know I'm going to be so scared but now I know I need to take that first step and she will be there every step off the way,I had a one to one yoga session yesterday which ice been doing for 2 years and she was saying imagine your inner advisor and see what they tell you and I imagined her so hopefully this week will be the week off creeping a little forward I just hope I don't let my mind take over again and the way my body feels with anxiety
 
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aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Feel so drained tired, today for the first time in 10 years I went into a bowling alley and me and hannah( support worker) we played a game of bowling together.
We talked about a course that's she is attending with me to help me socialise it's 2 and a half weeks away !! as I have Aspergers and no friends with people similiar too me she's going with me for the first 4 weeks
And then when she's away my social worker wants me to go on my own,I understand as hannah wouldn't be there anyway as she would be away but hannah said as the weeks go on in the course she will move away a little more each time so I get used to her not being there(so hard for me too hear as it's making it all more real it's really triggered me knowing she won't be there ) I'm so scared it's like she's my rock and I can't be without her in anything.
she's getting married too before she goes away so that's why it's 3 weeks she's away

Before she then goes away I don't want her to go away, she deserves to go away of course she does im just so scared. I know when she goes away the motivation levels will drop and I will want to give up with everything as she's not there pushing motivating me and keeping me positive. I have had a bad experience of being attached to a therapist she went away for 3 weeks and then she came back and that was our last session which was a massive shock as I never knew still dealing with the consequences off that now.

I only survived today and didn't have a massive panic attack today because she was with me none off the other support workers would have calmed me down or even let alone get in the place.
I mean I was panicking but she was encouraging me to keep calm as she was there pushing me and encouraging me gently to do it. I mean it's hard enough finding the motivation when I don't see her for a couple of days let alone her going away for 3 weeks.

I know I rely too much on her I'm attached it's too late it's happened again!. I give up I really don't know what to do we are a similair age she is only 2 years older than me.

Would she care if I died I didn't want to let her go tonight, as the weeks go on -and get nearer to her going as again I know I care more for her than she cares about me she only cares as she gets paid too!. I put an extra half an hour in hoping that she would stay but as she doesn't get paid for it obviously she can't I'm just so emotional and just want to give up.

I'm hanging onto our hugs even more and I don't want the other support workers to know as they will cover her and I feel uncomfortable talking about my attachment with the others and I know it's selfish it's like I don't want them I want her whenever I receive another support worker to cover her I think I want herbjust don't want her to let me go
She has a little girl too she's the most luckiest girl in the world I wish she was my mum or my sister even though she's young don't know what to do feel so lost maybe if I did hurt myself or do something else she might not care she has others to see which again I'm jealous off I'm a horrible person also we've only seen each other for 6 months it probably wouldn't bother her she would be better off without me I am just die no you idiot(me)
 
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aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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I know I will fail her too when she goes away so what's the point just hope someone will hurt me or I'll do it I hope it happens tonight so she doesn't have to put up with me anymore
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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Sorry you are struggling so much. Seems like atm all you can see is the fact that she wont be with you for 3 weeks. I know is really difficult but she will be away whether you are anxious about it or not. I think you need to try and focus on the here and now. I know you are really scared of doing the course as well. Are you able to explain to her that you wont be able to cope with doing the course on your own whle she is away and say you will need her cover to go with you. I think even doing the course is a really positive big step and in my view the most important thing is that you manage to go and stay there every week and if that is only possible with someone with you then they need to try and understand that. I so know it isnt easy. I have tried to do courses in the past and ended up running away and not going back. I am trying to do one at the moment and the only reason i might be able to do it this time is because it is being taken by my counsellor so it feels a bit safer but still very difficult. I know you are also scared of her going away cos of what happened with your therapist. As i said i know it isnt easy but please try and focus on now, not the past or the future. Rally hope you will be ok:hug:
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Sandhurst, Berkshire
Thank you for your advice.
I tried to arrange cover but the social worker thinks I should go on my own after she goes,so I'm not relying on her too much and hannah said to use the 4 weeks she's there to try and get comfortable with the tutor surroundings people etc, so it won't be so difficult.
Yes I understand the feeling you have I hope your course goes well too.
I will try to focus on now like you say it's hard but I suppose I haven't got a choice but to ride through it but I know I'm deep down as it is but when she goes it's like losing a security blanket just hope when she gets back she can pick me back up I just hope I manage to engage with the others whilst she's away and don't hide away I don't want it to make it obvious but I guess they already know anyway they will probably take her away from me as it seems too me it's against the law too get attatched :cry2:
 
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aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Sandhurst, Berkshire
Just really want to do something bad or hurt myself I can't take the pain the feelings and I feel I want to do it just lost can't do it anymore I'm going round and round in circles and I can't escape or get out feel so lost and scared
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Do you have an orange or a lemon, something really sour to suck on? It could help you snap out of the obsessive thinking spiral. Get really active as well, focus all your energy into the job you choose to do, it can help you snap out of that thinking as well. Sitting and brooding is not going to help it. Talk it out here somemore if you need to figure things out too. Huge hugs :hug1:
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Sandhurst, Berkshire
Unfortunately I have no motivation at all after all my appointments and working 3 hours a day I just want to hide away and just sleep especially after today too I have a personal trainer who visits me at home once a week I feel now I'm going out with hannah and my anxiety is being challenged even more my energy is zapped and most of the socialising we do is on a Wednesday I'm still trying to recover now and we were only out for an hour last night so I feel cancelling my personal training might help me have more energy but everyone around me is saying to not cancel it but I don't know I give up with everything
 
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Gajolene

Gajolene

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I have a really hard time with exhaustion and fatique as well. Just do small jobs and in little bits with lots of rest inbetween. Writing or drawing could be something to focus on to if your too exhausted to clean. Maybe a sewing project or small craft you could do on your lap. Anything distracting.
 
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