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i kinda want to scream

H

helloabcde

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Sheffield
Hi! Ok, this is my first time writing on here and I've set up an account just for this, because I'm at my wit's end!!
First of all, I'm really sorry if this brings anyone down!
Ok, so there are two parts of this.
Part one:
I'm a woman in my second year at university and I feel completely alone. I very quickly became left behind by my coursemates apart from a couple of people including my best friend, but he makes me feel absolutely terrible (not that I am blaming him because I shouldn't have got into this situation). In my first semester of uni I lost a stone in weight from the stress and in my room in the flat would get panic attacks. Anyway, basically, last year it got so bad that I attempted suicide. What this now means is that I still feel alone and in fact my friend makes me feel even worse, but then now I'm meant to be incredibly grateful to him. It's strange because don't get me wrong, I really am, but I am NOT going to be anyone's fucking ''pity'' friend or something and it makes me feel sick and angry?! It's not fair on anyone! But i'm also not going to be made to feel like that while being called ''psychotic'' (I've got depression and anxiety and I suppose linked to the anxiety are a few ''ocd'' type behaviours, which is really embarrassing and I know a bit weird? and I once ''had'' to turn a light on and off and he was there and saw and called me psychotic), ''psycho'', ''actually crazy'', ''paranoid''- ALL THE TIME!... he doesn't tell me things and acts suspiciously and lies a fucking lot but then if I say anything I'm paranoid, asked if I thought I had schizophrenia and later said it was a joke and that that was his sense of humour, said out of the blue that ''I'm not TRYING to gaslight you'' (?!!), told I should become a hooker and that I should see that as a compliment, criticised for my diet even though he is overweight and I'm not, ''stupid'', and apparently told another friend that I have ''emotional goggles'' which is patronising as fuck and so rude, as well as telling him to ''stop telling me anything'', even though me and him are closer friends than he has ever been with this other person and who he takes the piss out of. He would also stay at mine and stuff would happen which he would then never address, and be really secretive, and i'd find out he'd stayed at another coursemate (girl!)'s house the next day and I would seem unreasonable for being concerned and shocked as i couldn't say that anything had happened with us. It made me seem like an obsessive fool when actually I felt that I couldn't spell out what was what and address my anxieties. He lies to me constantly and although I don't want to admit it, I feel extremely anxious and judged by him and have done for quite a long time now. He also does things like suddenly walk out of the room even if we have been joking and laughing, for no reason, or leave if we are going to watch a programme and just not come back or even text me to say he's not any more or apologise, and it is humiliating. He will never admit he is wrong or apologise, and gets really angry and shouts at me to fuck off if I disagree with him, making me feel embarrassed for saying anything. It is all just so humiliating and rude and I have never ever felt this horrendous in a friendship. I do not believe that any friendships should operate in this way, and wish that I could either improve things for myself and try and mend the situation, or just fucking die. I'm exhausted and humiliated and also am terrified about bringing others down.

Part two.
This is actually possibly even more complicated and I'm just so overwhelmed and confused.
But actually I feel trapped feeling suicidal. I'm sorry this is so depressing and sounds so defeatist, but I've just sat in the shower for about 40 minutes crying my eyes out and silently screaming on the floor because I feel so desperate and afraid. My selfish reaction to all of this is to either stand up for myself and reach out to more people or to fucking attempt suicide (and MAKE sure it works), but there is another person, who's also a girl, and who told me last year that she had tried to kill herself. I've never before had a friend who's said that, and so I obviously feel protective of her. The issue though is that it transpired that she was getting into legal trouble in her flat, which as a whole sounded very aggressive, and I couldn't make head or tail of it. She asked me to live with her about half way through the first semester out of the blue after having met me once on a bar crawl ages before. Me and friend A had already planned to live together and he refused to live with her (which actually probably is fair enough haha!) and so I ended up living with him and a few others, but I still feel guilty and don't know what to do or if I should reach out to her again. She said that one of her flatmates had tried to go into her room and another one had to grab him and shove him out. Her sister had cancer (but is now all clear!!:)))))) ) and this flatmate knew this and said that all people with cancer deserve to die and so she hit him with a pan that she was holding !! She's told me three different versions but I'm sure it was intentional and she changed the story because she feared my reaction. When we were all going to discuss housing, she asked me to come and help her get there because apparently he had stabbed her, but to me it didn't look like a stab wound. I have no fucking clue what a stab wound should look like though... but I was terrified if not a bit confused and begged her for me to go to hospital with her or to call an ambulance or something and for us to tell the police but she said no because she doesn't trust them? I don't know if i'm stupid but I really don't know if she was lying or not. I am so confused and i'm not trying to seem like little miss innocent but I am just so baffled and wish I knew what was going on. I feel so stupid all the time and my brother's autistic and I wonder if I have some traits. I just can't tell what is happening and it is scaring me. The police kept going to their flat. One time she said she was having an argument with a flatmate and had to get a train so left and then said that he locked the door and she shoved him out the way and when she got back he'd called the police and they were angry that it had been a massive waste of time and that if anyone should have got in trouble it should have been him for locking the door. They seem to have been a few times though and know her! I was with her once, probably talking about housing ! , and a police car came and it was nothing to do with her but she ran and hid in the bathroom because she automatically assumed it was?! She also said that she had thought about poking holes in her boyfriend's condom because she was jealous of her boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who was younger than us and got pregnant and she was jealous because she thought her boyfriend's mum preferred the other girlfriend?! I obviously told her that that was an AWFUL idea and to not do that and that she was at uni so to try and focus on that instead and enjoy that and get her degree and join societies?! Didn't know what to say.

ok so morals wise. OBVIOUSLY is wrong to hit someone with frypan. But she said guy was going to go into her room when really drunk which I think she meant in a sinister way. But she was vague so I am not entirely sure if it had been meant to be friendly. She also said that he had said awful things about people with cancer knowing her sister had cancer at the time, which is despicable. She also said he stabbed her but then that was a bit confusing as she didn't want to go to the hospital or anything and it *looked* a bit like selfharm but I don't KNOW! And that was after but it suggests her flatmate was awful, right? And so the flat might have been ''dangerous'' before. Police went to their flat a lot, but res life did say she caused a lot of problems. Like when I was there, she ripped up the res life agreement which seemed nice but maybe a tiny bit passive aggressivey, written by another flatmate but who was the other one's friend but just saying about having a nice atmosphere or something and threw flour into his cupboard.

What her asking me to live with her has done in a weird way is further reinforce my own depression with regard to my own course because my friend refused to live with her before I could untangle everything she had told me and made me decide and I was already suicidal by then, while also trapping me into having to fucking live because she tried to make me promise when we were both drunk which was extremely manipulative and unfair that we'd live together and that if it all didn't work out that us two would live together, and lashed out when I said I couldn't promise anything, and I feel guilty. Also, I want her to be alright but I just want the right thing(s) to happen and don't know what to think wrt her? Just to be clear, in terms of my best friend, I am not blaming him for making me feel this way either because I should have stood up for myself more and been more sociable in general and cannot fucking believe I have got into this mess and am being treated this way by him. But it feels like I am being trapped into this awful fucking suicidal lonely situation at uni and don't even have the ''right'' to fucking die because I am not living with someone else who has attempted. Thinking about it, I'm not sure what to make of her. I'm so damn sorry this is so dark !!
I want to scream and scream and scream and I am so sorry this is so awful and humiliating and pathetic but I cannot cannot cannot see what in hell's name I am supposed to do

So essentially, I'm lonely at uni and my closest friend is fucking horrible to me and I'm too embarrassed to admit it and feel it's my fault, but I can't kill myself because I feel a sense of responsibility towards someone who is aggressive and keeps getting arrested and whose morals I do not know at all because I know they have mental health issues as well and they asked for us to live together! I haven't met up with them though for about 8 months, but the situation still plays on my mind in a way!? It is so damn complicated and I don't know what any of this says about me as a person, and I haven't got a clue where to go from here. Somehow though this whole situation makes me feel like a massive hypocrite and I think that's one of the reasons why I ''allow'' my friend to be so horrible, because I feel guilty not living with another person with mental health issues and he knows that? Does any of this make sense? Am I a shitty person myself in this? I am so confused and the stress of this causes me to occasionally make myself throw up because I feel like a hypocrite in a way, even though I'm very different from person B in a way. But can you see? In another sense, i'm scared because I fear that i'm not living with someone who actually has it much worse than me and so I'm a bad person in that respect and so need to (re?)establish a friendship in a way with them? But I won't be friends with a nasty, aggressive person... but I still don't completely get what happened with her flat last year, yaknow? Of course it is awful for someone to hit someone with a fucking pan but she said he had tried to go into her room and implied he was a bit dangerous... Oh my god I wish I could properly have grasped the situation, which is why I think it is good that i'm not living with her, just in case? and deffo everyone else because it obviously wouldn't be fair on them if she was an awful person. But I wish i'd understood better either way. Because if she is a legit shitty person (and I know that's massively generalising but still), then it means I need to ask myself why I couldn't properly see that, because then it would suggest that my friend is right and that I am stupid and not right in the head? But it is very very hard to unpick such serious situations like that of her flat and yeah, i'd only met her once before she messaged asking about living arrangements.

Please can somebody help me? Essentially, I suppose I want to know if it sounds like person B is a decent person who was in an awful flat or an aggressive bully? Please help. If she is and I couldn't see it very well, that makes me feel terrible! and then I don't care about what person a has to say because I'm an idiot. I've already said to him that I think she might be a horrible person but the thing is, esp with the guy going to go to her room thing it was so personal that I couldn't tell him so nobody knows as many facts as me. But the condom thing was an alarm bell but all she did say was that she HAD been considering it and I said NOOOOOO do NOT do that and she said she wasn't going to!!!!!!!!! PLEASE help. I did talk to our residence life mentors at the time and they really didn't want me to live with her so yeah, im not sure. Please help? xx
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
34,304
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
hi im really sorry I struggle reading long posts
just wanted to welcome you to the forum
love fairy Lu xxx
 
Edinscotbrit

Edinscotbrit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
207
Location
Scotland
Hi! Ok, this is my first time writing on here and I've set up an account just for this, because I'm at my wit's end!!
First of all, I'm really sorry if this brings anyone down!
Ok, so there are two parts of this.
Part one:
I'm a woman in my second year at university and I feel completely alone. I very quickly became left behind by my coursemates apart from a couple of people including my best friend, but he makes me feel absolutely terrible (not that I am blaming him because I shouldn't have got into this situation). In my first semester of uni I lost a stone in weight from the stress and in my room in the flat would get panic attacks. Anyway, basically, last year it got so bad that I attempted suicide. What this now means is that I still feel alone and in fact my friend makes me feel even worse, but then now I'm meant to be incredibly grateful to him. It's strange because don't get me wrong, I really am, but I am NOT going to be anyone's fucking ''pity'' friend or something and it makes me feel sick and angry?! It's not fair on anyone! But i'm also not going to be made to feel like that while being called ''psychotic'' (I've got depression and anxiety and I suppose linked to the anxiety are a few ''ocd'' type behaviours, which is really embarrassing and I know a bit weird? and I once ''had'' to turn a light on and off and he was there and saw and called me psychotic), ''psycho'', ''actually crazy'', ''paranoid''- ALL THE TIME!... he doesn't tell me things and acts suspiciously and lies a fucking lot but then if I say anything I'm paranoid, asked if I thought I had schizophrenia and later said it was a joke and that that was his sense of humour, said out of the blue that ''I'm not TRYING to gaslight you'' (?!!), told I should become a hooker and that I should see that as a compliment, criticised for my diet even though he is overweight and I'm not, ''stupid'', and apparently told another friend that I have ''emotional goggles'' which is patronising as fuck and so rude, as well as telling him to ''stop telling me anything'', even though me and him are closer friends than he has ever been with this other person and who he takes the piss out of. He would also stay at mine and stuff would happen which he would then never address, and be really secretive, and i'd find out he'd stayed at another coursemate (girl!)'s house the next day and I would seem unreasonable for being concerned and shocked as i couldn't say that anything had happened with us. It made me seem like an obsessive fool when actually I felt that I couldn't spell out what was what and address my anxieties. He lies to me constantly and although I don't want to admit it, I feel extremely anxious and judged by him and have done for quite a long time now. He also does things like suddenly walk out of the room even if we have been joking and laughing, for no reason, or leave if we are going to watch a programme and just not come back or even text me to say he's not any more or apologise, and it is humiliating. He will never admit he is wrong or apologise, and gets really angry and shouts at me to fuck off if I disagree with him, making me feel embarrassed for saying anything. It is all just so humiliating and rude and I have never ever felt this horrendous in a friendship. I do not believe that any friendships should operate in this way, and wish that I could either improve things for myself and try and mend the situation, or just fucking die. I'm exhausted and humiliated and also am terrified about bringing others down.

Part two.
This is actually possibly even more complicated and I'm just so overwhelmed and confused.
But actually I feel trapped feeling suicidal. I'm sorry this is so depressing and sounds so defeatist, but I've just sat in the shower for about 40 minutes crying my eyes out and silently screaming on the floor because I feel so desperate and afraid. My selfish reaction to all of this is to either stand up for myself and reach out to more people or to fucking attempt suicide (and MAKE sure it works), but there is another person, who's also a girl, and who told me last year that she had tried to kill herself. I've never before had a friend who's said that, and so I obviously feel protective of her. The issue though is that it transpired that she was getting into legal trouble in her flat, which as a whole sounded very aggressive, and I couldn't make head or tail of it. She asked me to live with her about half way through the first semester out of the blue after having met me once on a bar crawl ages before. Me and friend A had already planned to live together and he refused to live with her (which actually probably is fair enough haha!) and so I ended up living with him and a few others, but I still feel guilty and don't know what to do or if I should reach out to her again. She said that one of her flatmates had tried to go into her room and another one had to grab him and shove him out. Her sister had cancer (but is now all clear!!:)))))) ) and this flatmate knew this and said that all people with cancer deserve to die and so she hit him with a pan that she was holding !! She's told me three different versions but I'm sure it was intentional and she changed the story because she feared my reaction. When we were all going to discuss housing, she asked me to come and help her get there because apparently he had stabbed her, and I know this sounds terrible and is maybe tmi but it looked like a few razor blade lines bc there were like three lines in a row type thing. I have no fucking clue what a stab wound should look like though... but I was terrified if not a bit confused and begged her for me to go to hospital with her or to call an ambulance or something and for us to tell the police but she said no because she doesn't trust them? I don't know if i'm stupid but I really don't know if she was lying or not. I am so confused and i'm not trying to seem like little miss innocent but I am just so baffled and wish I knew what was going on. I feel so stupid all the time and my brother's autistic and I wonder if I have some traits. I just can't tell what is happening and it is scaring me. The police kept going to their flat. One time she said she was having an argument with a flatmate and had to get a train so left and then said that he locked the door and she shoved him out the way and when she got back he'd called the police and they were angry that it had been a massive waste of time and that if anyone should have got in trouble it should have been him for locking the door. They seem to have been a few times though and know her! I was with her once, probably talking about housing ! , and a police car came and it was nothing to do with her but she ran and hid in the bathroom because she automatically assumed it was?! She also said that she had thought about poking holes in her boyfriend's condom because she was jealous of her boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who was younger than us and got pregnant and she was jealous because she thought her boyfriend's mum preferred the other girlfriend?! I obviously told her that that was an AWFUL idea and to not do that and that she was at uni so to try and focus on that instead and enjoy that and get her degree and join societies?! Didn't know what to say.

ok so morals wise. OBVIOUSLY is wrong to hit someone with frypan. But she said guy was going to go into her room when really drunk which I think she meant in a sinister way. But she was vague so I am not entirely sure if it had been meant to be friendly. She also said that he had said awful things about people with cancer knowing her sister had cancer at the time, which is despicable. She also said he stabbed her but then that was a bit confusing as she didn't want to go to the hospital or anything and it *looked* a bit like selfharm type cuts but I don't KNOW! And that was after but it suggests her flatmate was awful, right? And so the flat might have been ''dangerous'' before. Police went to their flat a lot, but res life did say she caused a lot of problems. Like when I was there, she ripped up the res life agreement which seemed nice but maybe a tiny bit passive aggressivey, written by another flatmate but who was the other one's friend but just saying about having a nice atmosphere or something and threw flour into his cupboard.

What her asking me to live with her has done in a weird way is further reinforce my own depression with regard to my own course because my friend refused to live with her before I could untangle everything she had told me and made me decide and I was already suicidal by then, while also trapping me into having to fucking live because she tried to make me promise when we were both drunk which was extremely manipulative and unfair that we'd live together and that if it all didn't work out that us two would live together, and lashed out when I said I couldn't promise anything, and I feel guilty. Also, I want her to be alright but I just want the right thing(s) to happen and don't know what to think wrt her? Just to be clear, in terms of my best friend, I am not blaming him for making me feel this way either because I should have stood up for myself more and been more sociable in general and cannot fucking believe I have got into this mess and am being treated this way by him. But it feels like I am being trapped into this awful fucking suicidal lonely situation at uni and don't even have the ''right'' to fucking die because I am not living with someone else who has attempted. Thinking about it, I'm not sure what to make of her. I'm so damn sorry this is so dark !!
I want to scream and scream and scream and I am so sorry this is so awful and humiliating and pathetic but I cannot cannot cannot see what in hell's name I am supposed to do

So essentially, I'm lonely at uni and my closest friend is fucking horrible to me and I'm too embarrassed to admit it and feel it's my fault, but I can't kill myself because I feel a sense of responsibility towards someone who is aggressive and keeps getting arrested and whose morals I do not know at all because I know they have mental health issues as well and they asked for us to live together! I haven't met up with them though for about 8 months, but the situation still plays on my mind in a way!? It is so damn complicated and I don't know what any of this says about me as a person, and I haven't got a clue where to go from here. Somehow though this whole situation makes me feel like a massive hypocrite and I think that's one of the reasons why I ''allow'' my friend to be so horrible, because I feel guilty not living with another person with mental health issues and he knows that? Does any of this make sense? Am I a shitty person myself in this? I am so confused and the stress of this causes me to occasionally make myself throw up because I feel like a hypocrite in a way, even though I'm very different from person B in a way. But can you see? In another sense, i'm scared because I fear that i'm not living with someone who actually has it much worse than me and so I'm a bad person in that respect and so need to (re?)establish a friendship in a way with them? But I won't be friends with a nasty, aggressive person... but I still don't completely get what happened with her flat last year, yaknow? Of course it is awful for someone to hit someone with a fucking pan but she said he had tried to go into her room and implied he was a bit dangerous... Oh my god I wish I could properly have grasped the situation, which is why I think it is good that i'm not living with her, just in case? and deffo everyone else because it obviously wouldn't be fair on them if she was an awful person. But I wish i'd understood better either way. Because if she is a legit shitty person (and I know that's massively generalising but still), then it means I need to ask myself why I couldn't properly see that, because then it would suggest that my friend is right and that I am stupid and not right in the head? But it is very very hard to unpick such serious situations like that of her flat and yeah, i'd only met her once before she messaged asking about living arrangements.

Please can somebody help me? Essentially, I suppose I want to know if it sounds like person B is a decent person who was in an awful flat or an aggressive bully? Please help. If she is and I couldn't see it very well, that makes me feel terrible! and then I don't care about what person a has to say because I'm an idiot. I've already said to him that I think she might be a horrible person but the thing is, esp with the guy going to go to her room thing it was so personal that I couldn't tell him so nobody knows as many facts as me. But the condom thing was an alarm bell but all she did say was that she HAD been considering it and I said NOOOOOO do NOT do that and she said she wasn't going to!!!!!!!!! PLEASE help. I did talk to our residence life mentors at the time and they really didn't want me to live with her so yeah, im not sure. Please help? xx
That`s a lot of text, you have rambled on a bit.

First things first, your best friend is not your best friend, no friend should behave like that! So you definitely should not be living there.

You need to contact someone in Authority, the dean, housing department at the University and explain your situation and see if you can be reallocated somewhere else, you need to be explicit with the issues you have encountered so they can help.

I believe most Uni`s have a mental health department or such like you can contact, this you need to do quickly.

This "other" woman, she has some serious issues and no way in hell should you even think of becoming roomies, that would be even worse than what is happening with your so-called best friend.

Cut them both out of your life, simple as!
 
H

helloabcde

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Sheffield
Hi, thank you! I think I'll try and focus more on uni work and spend more time with others. I think I should be able to bumble along as I have other friends, and don't want to cause unnecessary fuss. I also am grateful to my friend. I'm really sorry as well if that was really depressing- I just got worked up and for some reason started worrying about a nonissue as well so talked about two things, not one. Sorry that I overcomplicated it!

Also, yeah- I am sorry this is ridiculously long and rambly… I sent it pretty late and I don't think I stayed particularly coherent! Is there by any chance a way of editing it ?

Thank you!
 
H

helloabcde

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Sheffield
hi im really sorry I struggle reading long posts
just wanted to welcome you to the forum
love fairy Lu xxx
hi im really sorry I struggle reading long posts
just wanted to welcome you to the forum
love fairy Lu xxx
Aw, no worries! It is far, far, far too long and extremely rambly!! Thank you tho!:))xx Do you know if there is a way I can edit it as it's written atrociously and i'm really embarrassed!! haha thank you xx
 
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