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I keep having thoughts about running away and going missing

M

Moonlight92

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Joined
Nov 23, 2018
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2
This is really serious as I have a child to think about and I am also married, but I am having these awful feelings about running away and never wanting to be found.

I want to run away, change my identity, live by myself, have my own garden and just live a comfortable lifestyle, be by myself and I don't want to be disturbed by anyone. I will text my parents now and then but using a basic phone so I am not tracked. I am planning on opening an account and putting away money each month just to keep me going when I do run away... Its all I ever think about 😟

I know I am mentally ill. I have been for years. It runs in my family and I've has trauma from my childhood and from when I was in secondary school, I used to get bullied and called names. My own family picked on me. Previous ex boyfriends spoke shit about me, cheated on me. So many other things.

I've got no friends. I have one who I trust but she's got her own worries and life to think about. I can't confide into her about how I am feeling. I have had a private online mental health assessment and I appear to have health anxiety, depression, and ruminations (OCD). I am on edge all the fucking time. I wake up in the night, I fidget, I have diarrhoea because I am constantly anxious and worried.

I can't confide into my husband either. He is the last person to understand my feelings. He just says I should be grateful I have such a "loving" family. My child is the world to me but he deserves better. I don't give him the attention he needs and deserves because my MH is taken over. He is fed, clothed and is not neglected in any way at all but he still deserves a good mum to give him a better life. I know my husband and family will take care of him and I know for a fact they won't give up on him.

If I was such a good parent, why on earth do I want to run away? Why do I want to leave? I don't want this shit in my life anymore. I just want my own independence and life back before I settled down. I can't cope with family life. I am so introverted I just want to be by myself.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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Because life so hard and responsibility is so hard, especially when you have mental health problems. Especially, so much more so, when you have the enormous responsibility of raising a child perfectly in this very very imperfect world.

You are doing well. It is hard just to get up in the morning sometimes isn't it.

These thoughts are common, my friends, my cousins, they find it all so hard too.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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My thoughts are usually to give up with everything too. Give up paying direct debits. Stop washing and washing up. Stop brushing teeth, stop eating well, stop flossing, get off this hamster wheel and lay still. Drink vodka and not water. Put music on, turn phone off, give up.

Is that your sort of thinking?
 
S

Sugold

Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Switzerland
You sound like you're absolutely "fed up" with your life.
The more interesting question is:
What are you going to do from here? What do you want?
 
A

Am33

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Sep 28, 2020
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Location
Fiji
We can't runaway from ourselves the problems will always follow us .Seek therapy you can make your life manageable takes time, work many people have overcome their limiting beliefs and are doing better now .
 
Annelis

Annelis

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Dec 26, 2019
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205
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Slovakia
I've had thoughts about running away ever since I can remember. Even as a child, I had these... Just imagining how I'd like to just go away, and never be found.. I actually attempted it a few times, not really having plan, but just leaving home and running, not knowing where. But my family and my best friend were calling me and texting me nonstop to come back. So I always did, out of responsibility, or sometimes, because I really didn't know where I could go. So I understand your feelings. However, I found out that even when I did leave home for most of the week, when I lived at a dormitory, it wasn't better. My mental health stuff was even worse! So unless you have a private island where you could live by yourself, even though you would be away from those that are around you now, there still would be many people around you. People who don't suffer like you do and will never understand you and perhaps will judge you.. and your husband and child would miss you more than you can imagine. I think that by staying with them, you might not solve your own mental health stuff, but you can make their lives fuller. Don't you think that you leaving might cause a trauma to your kid and harm his mental health? I know it feels like it's not enough to do stuff for others when you suffer, but would you really feel better if you ran away?
 
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