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I just want help

A

AnxiousMonkey

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2017
Messages
1
I was diagnosed last year. For the most part I was able to stay stable with the help of my meds. I made one attempt at counseling and stopped going because in all honesty I didn't like the way my counslor looked at me. I live in a small town with very little mental health resources, the other counseling center stopped returning my calls after I told them I had BPD. So I just stopped trying. Even on meds I went through several jobs and lost a handful of friends but I managed. I started dating someone and fell in love (maybe who knows) I was happy for once so much so that he talked me into going off my meds because he could make me happy, I believed him.. .of course he left after the first outburst of anger appeared. That was two months ago and I'm still so angry at him that it almost physically hurts.

That was hard for me to handle. I went down pretty fast. Lost two jobs since and of course the insurance that goes along with it. I tried to go back on my meds but with no coverage I can't afford them. I went to my GP for help and he told me I had no reason to be depressed I got angry and left. I applied for medicaid but was denied because I started working before the process was complete. My job offers no coverage because it's a not for profit org, still couldn't afford insurance because I was making min wage.

Things starred to get worse my substance abuse issue started kicking in. I feel normal when I'm high so I continued but even that couldn't help. After a few days of missing work because I just couldn't get out of bed I was laid off and advised to seek medical help and stabalize before I could return.

So here I am, no insurance, broke and no local resources. The counseling center has a 3 month waiting period and I can't find a new Dr to see because health coverage is still pending. I spent hours on the phone calling evert treatment facility in a 50 mile radius and was turned away at every single one because I'm not suicidal. I even had a woman on a crisis hotline tell me to fake it. I can't bring myself to lie about that I've made attempts in the past but I'm not planning on it yet. I'm just not stable and my drug use has become uncontrolable. I'm now techically homeless and couch surfing. Some times I sleep in my car behind the local floodwall. I'm suffocating with all of this stress I obsess over it yet I don't care either fuck it. My support system is all but gone I've ruined every personal relationship I have aside from my dealer. I try to talk to my mom she thinks I'm just faking it all. I'm trying to find a job but so far no luck with my work history.

Almost at my rock bottom and the sad part is I still cannot get over how my ex left me and I blame him but I know it's my own fault.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
AnxiousMonkey, welcome to the Forum. It sounds like you're really struggling to keep your head above water. I'm so sorry things have worked out this way for you. It's so unfair that you cannot get the help you need. Many people aren't even trying to get help and meanwhile, you try and nothing materializes. It's super sad that your mom isn't empathetic. I don't have any suggestions because you're smart and already know everything you could try. But you are only complecating the situation doing other drugs. That's only going to make it worse imo.
 
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