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i just need someone to talk to. i don't want to live anymore

H

hellocoldworld22

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
16
Location
cincinnati,ohio
hi I am new here and I just need to talk to someone. I have been depressed for many years and its getting worse. my dad died in 2016 and my family has just got more dysfunctional and they have been my whole life. they have just gotten colder and more rude and extremely mean. my mother has always been mean to me since I was 12 years old but she is incredibly hateful now. she was being crazy today and made an rude comment towards me out of nowhere and then I stood up for myself and she continued to tell me how much of a horrible person I am and it ended with her attacking me. my phone is not working right now or I would have called the police. she has always been violent towards me and threw a chair at me 6 years ago. I am so depressed and just wish I wasn't alive. she blames me for everything that she does and always acts like I am the bad guy when she continues to bully me and emotionally and mentally and verbally and now physically abuses me. she is insane and I just cant take it anymore. I just want to die. I feel so alone. if anyone could please talk to me with no judgment that would be great. I am so sad and feel so useless and like I have no one. thank you.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
10,676
Location
UK
Can I give you a hug? :hug:

I could have written this post myself 20 years ago. I can relate to everything you have said about your mother. My father was a gentle man and I often wonder if the stress of living with my mother delivered the fatal heart attack that took him from us.

You are not alone, I promise you. Your mother is a stereotype - she is a particular mould that psychiatrists can recognise in an instant and your fellow sufferers of abuse will nod and know exactly what you are talking about.

You are not to blame.

Things feel desperate now because of so much pent-up hurt and anger and frustration and misery. You must find someone you can talk to - a counsellor that can listen and start you on the road to healing.

Your mother is not going to spontaneously change. What can change is how you understand her and subsequently deal with her. You will not feel like this forever. I promise you - you will be happy and will get out from under her shadow.

Do you live with her?
 
P

Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
2,245
Location
England. Derbyshire
Hi,
things sound really rough for you with your mother.
Do you live with her?

You say she has been mean to you since you were 12.
If there was a specific reason for this, and you want to tell me about it
ONLY IF YOU WANT TO I am hear to listen.

Please keep in touch.
There are many on the forum who have had similar problems
and also people who will just chat generally.

Dont feel alone.
 
P

Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
2,245
Location
England. Derbyshire
Hi again, Lunar Lady and I must have been replying at the same time.

Lunar Lady always gives great advice so try to take on board what she is saying.
 
H

hellocoldworld22

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
16
Location
cincinnati,ohio
Can I give you a hug? :hug:

I could have written this post myself 20 years ago. I can relate to everything you have said about your mother. My father was a gentle man and I often wonder if the stress of living with my mother delivered the fatal heart attack that took him from us.

You are not alone, I promise you. Your mother is a stereotype - she is a particular mould that psychiatrists can recognise in an instant and your fellow sufferers of abuse will nod and know exactly what you are talking about.

You are not to blame.

Things feel desperate now because of so much pent-up hurt and anger and frustration and misery. You must find someone you can talk to - a counsellor that can listen and start you on the road to healing.

Your mother is not going to spontaneously change. What can change is how you understand her and subsequently deal with her. You will not feel like this forever. I promise you - you will be happy and will get out from under her shadow.

Do you live with her?
 
M

Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
1,294
Location
South America
@hellocoldworld22 I had horrible parents and left home as soon as I could. While I was still living with them I ignored them and built "my own little world". However this situation was precisely what inspired me to attend university and get a degree. I saw that as my only way out. When I graduated and got my first job I inmediately left home and I fell so proud of myself!!!!
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
10,676
Location
UK
@hellocoldworld22 :

I think you might have tried to reply to my post but it has only captured the quote box. x
 
H

hellocoldworld22

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
16
Location
cincinnati,ohio
Can I give you a hug? :hug:

I could have written this post myself 20 years ago. I can relate to everything you have said about your mother. My father was a gentle man and I often wonder if the stress of living with my mother delivered the fatal heart attack that took him from us.

You are not alone, I promise you. Your mother is a stereotype - she is a particular mould that psychiatrists can recognise in an instant and your fellow sufferers of abuse will nod and know exactly what you are talking about.

You are not to blame.

Things feel desperate now because of so much pent-up hurt and anger and frustration and misery. You must find someone you can talk to - a counsellor that can listen and start you on the road to healing.

Your mother is not going to spontaneously change. What can change is how you understand her and subsequently deal with her. You will not feel like this forever. I promise you - you will be happy and will get out from under her shadow.

Do you live with her?
hi sorry I am trying to figure out how to reply! you can give me a hug. I need a hug. I am so sorry to hear that happened to your father. my dad drank and I have a feeling it was because of the stress of my mother. thank you for making me feel less alone. she is mentally ill and i have no doubt that she is a certain stereotype and I have been told she is a textbook narcissist and is a psychopath. I definitely believe that. I feel like I am to blame just because I have been made to feel I am the cause of everything and a loser. I know I do need to talk to a therapist I just have a hard time opening up. I do have a lot of hurt and anger. yes I agree she is never going to change. in fact I think she gets worse and worse as the days go by. I know I need to deal with her better and I try. it just gets me upset when she talks to me however she wants to and says lies about me. its irritating and she acts like I can never get aggravated and when i do get aggravated she wants to act like im being "snotty" I hope you are right I hope I will be happy one day. and yes unfortunately I live her. I help take care of my aunt who has health problems. right now shes threatening to leave and of course blaming me for all of it even though she started it all with her rude comment today calling me "snotty" when she is more like that then me, shes mean to me and my aunt everyday. it is all just so crazy and im so sick of all the stress. I want to cry so much. I hate my life and myself. thank you for being kind *hugs*
 
H

hellocoldworld22

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
16
Location
cincinnati,ohio
Hi,
things sound really rough for you with your mother.
Do you live with her?

You say she has been mean to you since you were 12.
If there was a specific reason for this, and you want to tell me about it
ONLY IF YOU WANT TO I am hear to listen.

Please keep in touch.
There are many on the forum who have had similar problems
and also people who will just chat generally.

Dont feel alone.
hi! things are rough. I do unfortunately live with her. I take care of my aunt who has health problems. she has always been mean towards me about my weight and called me fat when I was 12 and continued to make comments the rest of my life. shes always had this hatred for me. I have a feeling she never wanted me to begin with. she hated my dad the same time she was pregnant with me and there is almost this resentment she has with me that doesn't make sense. she has always treated me bad for no reason and out of nowhere. its just so hurtful because I adored her until she started hurting me. thank you for talking to me I appreciate it so much
 
H

hellocoldworld22

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
16
Location
cincinnati,ohio
@hellocoldworld22 I had horrible parents and left home as soon as I could. While I was still living with them I ignored them and built "my own little world". However this situation was precisely what inspired me to attend university and get a degree. I saw that as my only way out. When I graduated and got my first job I inmediately left home and I fell so proud of myself!!!!
that is awesome. you should be proud of yourself. I wish I was like you. I always wanted to leave but I stuck around to take care of my nephew and niece because they weren't being taken care of properly by their mother who was a drug addict and then I started taking care of my dad because he was hit by a drunk driver and left a quadriplegic and in a wheelchair and I couldn't abandon him. and then right after my dad died in 2016 my aunt started getting health problems and I couldn't abandon her with my crazy mother. my life has basically consisted of taking care of my family and then being treated like trash. anyways I am so happy you left your situation and made something of yourself. that is amazing. I hope I can leave my situation soon.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
10,676
Location
UK
hi sorry I am trying to figure out how to reply! you can give me a hug. I need a hug. I am so sorry to hear that happened to your father. my dad drank and I have a feeling it was because of the stress of my mother. thank you for making me feel less alone. she is mentally ill and i have no doubt that she is a certain stereotype and I have been told she is a textbook narcissist and is a psychopath. I definitely believe that. I feel like I am to blame just because I have been made to feel I am the cause of everything and a loser. I know I do need to talk to a therapist I just have a hard time opening up. I do have a lot of hurt and anger. yes I agree she is never going to change. in fact I think she gets worse and worse as the days go by. I know I need to deal with her better and I try. it just gets me upset when she talks to me however she wants to and says lies about me. its irritating and she acts like I can never get aggravated and when i do get aggravated she wants to act like im being "snotty" I hope you are right I hope I will be happy one day. and yes unfortunately I live her. I help take care of my aunt who has health problems. right now shes threatening to leave and of course blaming me for all of it even though she started it all with her rude comment today calling me "snotty" when she is more like that then me, shes mean to me and my aunt everyday. it is all just so crazy and im so sick of all the stress. I want to cry so much. I hate my life and myself. thank you for being kind *hugs*
Narcissistic parents are professionals at making us feel at fault. Should we dare to have a moment of strength to stand up for ourselves, they'll catalogue every bad or embarrassing thing we have ever done . It's like looking in a warped, fairground mirror - they distort your past..re-write it completely to make themselves the hero or the injured party...attribute all their own ugly emotions to you...vividly recall your one emotional outburst whilst they conveniently delete their hundreds of rages and vicious attacks...they'll badmouth you to every family member and isolate you...the list goes on and on.

And d'you know what? We always feel guilty. We always doubt ourselves...because they have conditioned us to.

And we always go back and make amends...because we have craved love and approval from this person for our entire lives and we never stop seeking it.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and change her for you - but I can't. What I CAN do is give you a true reflection of yourself. You are not weak or stupid or spiteful or promiscuous or evil or useless or an embarrassment or a trouble maker or a disappointment or a loser...or any of the other things she tells you.

You are an intelligent woman with a warm heart and a beautiful soul.

The reality is she is probably jealous of you.

We can support you here - and you will meet lots of lovely people who can help restore your faith in yourself and your belief that this is temporary. You can count on me and you're welcome to PM any time.

I know this is of little comfort right now - but believe me when I tell you that these experiences will make you such a strong and competent adult...and your past becomes valuable as a tool to help other people.

First step - please...find some counselling for yourself. You need that support.

HUGE hug and lots and lots of love to you. xxx
 
M

Marianda

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2019
Messages
1,294
Location
South America
@hellocoldworld22 at some point you have to leave and live your own life. I understand taking care of your father, but as you said he passed away. It is so sweet of you to take care of others, but I must remind you that you are the most important person in the world.
 
H

hellocoldworld22

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
16
Location
cincinnati,ohio
I went through similar circumstances, but everyone,s experience is unique. even though you feel like this is your life, its not. it is a period in your life. just as good things end, bad things end to. i used to self harm when i was 12 til 15 because of my parents and my life. but when you get to a certain age and good surroundings you will be great.
you are right I know its only a period of my life guess it just feels like its going to last forever. I hope all these bad things end. I was about like you I self harmed from the time I was 15-19. because of all the bad people I had around me. family bullying me. friends bullying me. I felt the most alone back then. I just need better people around me. I wish I knew good people. I hate myself a lot. I feel like a loser and like I am useless. my massive anxiety keeps me from living life and depression also.
 
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