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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I Just need help

Pengi_Syd

Pengi_Syd

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I've been dating this guy for a year, and while there were some "red flags", it never was anything relationship ruining. We got really good with our communication and talking through things. Then a few months ago I found out that he had a girlfriend when he and I met. I also found out he was still with her several months into the relationship, and I only found out because I found him actively cheating on me with another girl. Since then we've tried to mend things... My my trust, my heart, and my soul are so utterly broken. I love him with everything in me... But I don't feel like I'm healing
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

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Hi Pengi_Syd, I'm sorry about your problems with your relationship. You say you and him had a good communication. Did he ever open up about his cheating to you in a sincere way? I personally don't think i could forgive someone for cheating on me but everyone is different and relationships are complicated. It sounds like this has affected you very badly. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel and tried to find a way to make it work? I hope you can find a way to feel better. Take care and stay strong.

M
 
Pengi_Syd

Pengi_Syd

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Hi Pengi_Syd, I'm sorry about your problems with your relationship. You say you and him had a good communication. Did he ever open up about his cheating to you in a sincere way? I personally don't think i could forgive someone for cheating on me but everyone is different and relationships are complicated. It sounds like this has affected you very badly. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel and tried to find a way to make it work? I hope you can find a way to feel better. Take care and stay strong.

M
After I found out, he said he was relieved, he said he'd been living the lie so long and didn't know how to get out of it. We've had hours upon hours of conversations about it where I believe he's being honest, what's the point in lying anymore, right? However, some of those hours were filled with crying and screaming and asking why I wasn't good enough, what didn't I fulfill for him that he had to get it elsewhere, and him saying it wasn't about me not being enough and it was just him. I've forgiven him, though I don't know if I can ever fully move on and trust him again and I'm wondering if staying with him is even worth it.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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You love him?
Why?
Do you want a life of misery, worry, doubt?
Get rid of him, find someone who will cherish you.
 
Pengi_Syd

Pengi_Syd

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You love him?
Why?
Do you want a life of misery, worry, doubt?
Get rid of him, find someone who will cherish you.
I do love him, immensely. Because despite finding out he cheated, we had so many good times, and I was completely loyal to him, so yeah, maybe things were unbalanced, maybe he doesn't really love me, but I love him.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Love is a sensible choice, where you choose a man who is going to treasure you, for the rest of your life, 50 or more years of being with this person, it is the biggest decision you will ever make. This man might be father to your children, is he a good role model? No.

There is no way i would even go for a drink with a man who did that. No way never. He does not love you if he does that.

There are so many decent, faithful, good, hard working men. He has not grown up yet. He is a foolish man if he does that sort of thing. You are foolish to love him.
 
Pengi_Syd

Pengi_Syd

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Love is a sensible choice, where you choose a man who is going to treasure you, for the rest of your life, 50 or more years of being with this person, it is the biggest decision you will ever make. This man might be father to your children, is he a good role model? No.

There is no way i would even go for a drink with a man who did that. No way never. He does not love you if he does that.

There are so many decent, faithful, good, hard working men. He has not grown up yet. He is a foolish man if he does that sort of thing. You are foolish to love him.
Then maybe we grow up together? We're both young, and we've both fucked up. I don't think it's your right to tell me I'm foolish for loving him. Love doesn't just stop because the other person hurt you
 
N

Nukelavee

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IT's your call, but, he is a cheat. He's hurt you once, and he will again. It's what cheaters do.
 
N

Nukelavee

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From his point of view, cheating isn't a mistake, because you let him get away with it. The lesson he's learned is if he pretends to be sorry, he gets what he wants.

the question is - will you learn from your mistake of trusting him?
 
S

swillis

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I agree with Tawny and Nukelavee, Relationships are complicated, but they shouldn't be made any more difficult or complicated than they have to be. Cheating is a deep gap in the bond that you and he should have with eachother. Your in a one sided relationship, where you seem to care for someone who doesn't care for you.

To put it in perspective, It's like when someone trys to get in a relationship, but gets rejected by the other party. The other person just isn't into it. But in this case, he just has no loyalty and may be seeing you as an option unless he finds someone else. I'm not sure the nature of your relationship, but it's the equivalent of him faking it almost, as much as he tells you he likes you or loves you, he can't really if he's prepared to betray you. One of the worst traits of any human is betrayal, especially from someone who is supposed to be your confidant.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Sorry, i was so exhausted so writing bluntly.

What i meant was, you deserve to not have to go through that. I have put up with some stupid men, looked for the wrong things in men, been too nice, and so now i am determined to make sure younger women really look at the men they are considering a relationship with.

It is really important you make the right decision and not waste your time on someone who is not going to marry you, not going to take care of you, treat you how you deserve to be treated.

It is true that none of us are perfect, absolutely, and maybe a great man deserves better than you or i, but if i were 20 years younger, i know i would 100% not get involved with him.

I have never dated a man who cheated on me, but i have dated men who were not suitable for anything other than fun. I have let some amazing men go, and i regret it deeply.

I am over 40, not married, no children, so i know what i am talking about when i say be careful, choose wisely, find a good man, get married, have babies asap, grow together, but make a great choice, don't settle for something because you feel you don't deserve better

- or you think he is really nice and poor him and none of us are perfect oh but he is really nice etc you don't know him.

We all know that it can take a lifetime to undo the bad examples of our parents. Even though i have a mental illness, i would be very cautious dating someone with problems like that, like impulse control when it comes to sex. This is your whole life, not his, it is about your happiness.

You did write this on a forum, inviting people to comment, to give their opinions, so you sort of asked me to comment ;)

I will leave you now
Sorry about earlier bluntness, i have slept since, until now, but i hope you understand my message and it was just because i don't want anyone to spend their life unhappy with their choice.

Only you know you and you know him. You described him to us, so that is all we know of him.

Lack of ability to say no to sex is a bad one and not something that can be surgically removed.

I know what i would surgically remove if he did it again though
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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I've been dating this guy for a year, and while there were some "red flags", it never was anything relationship ruining. We got really good with our communication and talking through things. Then a few months ago I found out that he had a girlfriend when he and I met. I also found out he was still with her several months into the relationship, and I only found out because I found him actively cheating on me with another girl. Since then we've tried to mend things... My my trust, my heart, and my soul are so utterly broken. I love him with everything in me... But I don't feel like I'm healing
That's a lot to deal with... you might be blaming yourself for his cheating, possibly thinking you aren't enough. If it helps I very much doubt the issue is with you, and like you already mentioned he was seeing someone before he met you, so I would guess you had something to offer that his previous relationship didn't, and yet he still continued that relationship at the same time as being involved with you... Looking at things from a different angle, what is it you expect from this relationship, and as you are only too aware he has cheated before... Perhaps you aren't fully satisfied with his explanations, which might be why you are feeling the way you are... Is he inspiring you with confidence, are your needs and dependency on him too high? It can be a bit of a mine field trying to get everything straight in your mind :hug:
 
Pengi_Syd

Pengi_Syd

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If I'm being honest, and I always try to be, I'm just not sure where my mind is anymore. I think my expectations and views on this relationship have changed, though I'm not sure how drastically.
 
OmniscientNihilist

OmniscientNihilist

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I've been dating this guy for a year, and while there were some "red flags", it never was anything relationship ruining. We got really good with our communication and talking through things. Then a few months ago I found out that he had a girlfriend when he and I met. I also found out he was still with her several months into the relationship, and I only found out because I found him actively cheating on me with another girl. Since then we've tried to mend things... My my trust, my heart, and my soul are so utterly broken. I love him with everything in me... But I don't feel like I'm healing
a chain is only as strong as weakest link. it takes two to cooperate. so if one person is being a bird brain then there is nothing you can do but descend to that level yourself to match them. and when you feel like it leave them behind and upgrade to someone who will cooperate.

my second GF i wasnt sure exactly what was going on with my first. whether we were together or not or breaking up or what. then i met the second one and i wanted her but it was a bit confusing at first. i didnt know where i was going back with the old one or forward with the new one. this kinda hurt both of them a bit. but it was confusing for me to. i wasnt doing it on purpose. i didnt know what to do. eventually me and the first one broke up and i went solo with the second one and never cheated on her. but after a few years things got rocky and we were kinda breaking up and i met another girl. so i dont know if that counts as cheating. but i never cheated during the middle of the relationship. i was happy with having only her. it was only the beginning and end because of circumstances outside my control.
 
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