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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I just need general help

G

global_10

Member
Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
8
Location
America
I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to rant. I haven't seen my psychiatrist or therapist in over a year because of COVID19, and I feel like I'm about to explode.

About a week ago, I planned on killing myself. I didn't end up doing it and instead, I threw all the medication in a trashcan in a subway stop.

I have OCD and bipolar disorder, and I'm transgender and queer. Every day I wake up, and I have to constantly pinch my nose because otherwise I get uncomfortable, and I have to close the bathroom door with a lock and at least check the lock 7 times because otherwise, I get uncomfortable, and I have to check my watch for 20 minutes non stop, just compulsively looking at my watch, then I have to spend time in the bathroom making sure my socks are the exact same height, and I have to wipe my glasses so much my hand hurts, and my belt has to be exactly in the middle of my pants, and the buttons on my shirt have to line up in the middle too, and I usually redo my tie 3 times, and I have to make sure there is the same amount of weight in each jacket pocket, and I have to make sure my pens are all organized on my table, and that's just before I even head to work. There are just so many tics and compulsive actions that I have that I've lost count - I use to have a list, but I stopped when it got to over two pages.

I hate being around humans, every time I walk into a room full of people all I can think about is the sweat, saliva, mucus, all the disgusting things about the human body, but at the same time I think about sexually dominating and harming others and it's absolutely disgusting. I can't even hug someone without feeling nauseous and yet I desire touch so much. I hate it. I can't even get physically aroused because of hormonal problems but yet I have so many uncontrollable thoughts and I am so repulsed by myself. There was this one time where I was in Singapore with my family, it was supposed to be a fun trip, but the entire time I just thought about how I wanted to cut my brother's ears off so his head would be smooth and how satisfying that would be. I hate myself for it.

And my compulsions go beyond the physical. I just want to be purely logical and always just think about science and math, and that anything other than logical is irrational, sensitive, weak, degenerate, unimportant. I just keep telling myself this every single second, even though I want to stop, even though I know it's not healthy, even though I know it's not true but I still can't get it out of my head, there's just this constant voice that's always reminding me how irrational I am. That logic and rationality are the only things that matter because emotions are bad, they are useless and a waste, it is a biological burden, a primal instinct, and we should use our best efforts to completely get rid of it, and I just keep telling myself "how obsessed do I have to be with material flesh that I constantly worry about humans and myself instead of bigger things?"

I'm a programmer and I do web penetration (basically hacking other people's website to test their security), and I get so much digital paranoia that I have to check my VPN 5 times before I feel safe, I have to constantly check my firewall, I change my passwords every two days and if I don't I can't focus on anything else, and I just get so much fear around modern devices that sometimes it affects my job. I quit my previous job and started freelancing because my boss got really pissed at me for freaking out in the middle of a project.

So, I want to kill myself. I don't want to act like this anymore, I want someone to fix me, because this is just too tiring. I want to hear you guy's advice for what should I do and how should I cope, and how do I get rid of suicidal thoughts.
 
G

global_10

Member
Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
8
Location
America
Correction: I quit my job and I started to work at a small company alongside with freelancing, not just freelancing.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,433
Location
Nashua NH
Hi global, it really sounds like you do need to be working with a therapist to help you manage these disturbing thoughts and excessively obsessive feelings that you have. I see that you have worked with a therapist in the past. Did you find that helpful at all? I would think that some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would help with the OCD. I’m not sure you can practice that on your own but I’m sure there are some good books out there. I’m not sure what to tell you except that it seems like help is really needed in this case and it seems too much to try to handle on your own. Is telehealth (counseling by phone) available to you? xo, j
 
G

global_10

Member
Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
8
Location
America
Hi global, it really sounds like you do need to be working with a therapist to help you manage these disturbing thoughts and excessively obsessive feelings that you have. I see that you have worked with a therapist in the past. Did you find that helpful at all? I would think that some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would help with the OCD. I’m not sure you can practice that on your own but I’m sure there are some good books out there. I’m not sure what to tell you except that it seems like help is really needed in this case and it seems too much to try to handle on your own. Is telehealth (counseling by phone) available to you? xo, j
Hi J!
Therapy didn't really help that much, neither did medications...telehealth is available but I have not tried it yet. I'll go check it out.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Messages
8,433
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Nashua NH
Hi J!
Therapy didn't really help that much, neither did medications...telehealth is available but I have not tried it yet. I'll go check it out.
Did your therapist work with you on CBT at all?
 
G

global_10

Member
Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
8
Location
America
Did your therapist work with you on CBT at all?
Only a bit... I've only worked with her for a few months before covid, and we only did a bit of cognitive therapy. I've changed a lot of therapists since I move around a lot for family reasons. It didn't really help, and I'm looking into ERP (it seems a bit painful?).
 
Karmaman

Karmaman

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2021
Messages
776
Location
North West
@global_10 I've been close to taking the ultimate step. It's always present but one thing I know thankfully they pass. There will be new days ahead. I can see your in the middle of this thing right now - keep going. There is an answer to this. It may not be the perfect one but it will be something.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,433
Location
Nashua NH
Only a bit... I've only worked with her for a few months before covid, and we only did a bit of cognitive therapy. I've changed a lot of therapists since I move around a lot for family reasons. It didn't really help, and I'm looking into ERP (it seems a bit painful?).
Ive never heard of ERP before. Could you share a link?
 
G

global_10

Member
Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
8
Location
America
I’m a new member so I can’t post links, but ERP stands for exposure and response prevention, maybe you’ve heard of it?
Ive never heard of ERP before. Could you share a link?
 
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