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I just need answers from people who know what they're talking about

I

Iostdaia

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Torbay
tw: mental verbal physical sexual abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts,

Okay hi I just signed up here and it's because I have some questions. First of all, I am 18 (is it okay to post my age? I really don't mind), and since I was young (well about 13) I became interested in psychology. I was already not very well, as a victim of mental and verbal, and occasionally physical, abuse from my mums (ex) husband, from a young age I guess I was just not in a very good place, especially getting into unhealthy music (Emilie Autumn anyone?) AND psychology. I was different, and I knew it, so I got into that. Looked things up. After a while I was convinced I was all these things, and making stuff up in my head, and all the while I wasn't noticing what I was actually doing. Putting my headphones on, hood up, ignoring people in school, freaking out when my friends touched me, getting scared about people. I don't know. I remember my friend once said I was having a paranoid episode or something so she took me to the nurse. I used to self harm (I still do, just at particular times which I'll probably come to), and cry, and be sad, whatever. So since then, I was in and out at CAHMS for a few years, and I didn't get anywhere. Mum left her husband just after I started college and that was nice and I thought I could do okay. But I was still sad, still hurting, and still scared of things. So I did what any idiot does and started taking drugs (properly, I dabbled before but now it was worse). Anything to fucking stop me feeling like this for a few hours. Let me say now if it wasn't for my mum, I probably wouldn't be alive, despite attempts. It wasn't a lot, and I quit after a little while. But I couldn't handle my moods, my thoughts, the way people looked at me and the way I completely felt. And in between all of this a guy I thought was my friend raped me, and left me completely broken (I cant really talk more about it I think it's just necessary for the post and info?) Now, last September, I (I'm probably going to say a lot of stuff about suicide here so please take note for triggers or whatever) stood a for god knows how long, and I put myself in a stupid situation. Someone found me. A friend. They took me home, and there was a family intervention. They phone the people who spoke to me about two months ago (because my mum asked me to, I gave up because I had poor treatment from CAHMS), and ask for them to chat to me. I go, and they basically say to me if I'm not about to kill myself or have a plan they can't do anything at the moment, and if I did I'd have to go to a mental health ward/institute (im not sure what they're called). After starting my job I had a panic attack, and phoned them (this was another couple months down the line so November) and said I needed to talk to someone and they said they would get back to me within two weeks. I haven't heard a thing. I'm screwing up my job because (and I quote from a coworker) 'One day you come in and you're so happy you're next level shit and then a few days or even a couple hours later you're just down there, and it's really hard to handle'. I've even completely missed shifts due to not being able to get out of bed, or just being so distracted I completely forget despite working the day before! If I get fired I'm screwed because I have to move out and the cost of living is not nice...The only thing that's been determined about me from these people is anxiety and depression but they won't medicate me and want to know more before they do/put me anywhere.

I really don't think I can tell you anymore without writing out all my journals but I'm just so tired of doing this and living my life, I just wanted some answers and some help but I just keep getting nowhere, I'm fucking sick of being angry.

I'm sorry for the long post... I guess I just needed to get this out, also
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Messages
13,529
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First of all, welcome to the forum.
We have a minimum age limit of 18, so don't worry, you're fine to post here. :)

So these people who you've spoken to more recently, do you know who they are?
You've said they aren't from CAMHS. I'm just wondering if it's now the adult community mental health team you've seen or if it's the crisis/home treatment team.

From what you're saying, I reckon it's the crisis/home treatment team because they really don't offer you anything at all. They might put you in hospital if they've got space but other than that, they're not really that good.

Have you gone back to basics and spoken to a GP? I'm thinking they'll be able to get you a referral to the community mental health team, which hopefully will put you on the path to getting more support and help.

I'm really sorry to hear about your past experiences of abuse and assault. Have you talked to anybody about that? These things don't just get forgotten.
Yes, we as humans are pretty good at burying things, but eventually they'll resurface.

Oh and also, you said if you lost your job you'd have to move out? Who's saying this to you, your Mum?
I don't mean to judge but that doesn't sound very supportive and that's putting pressure on you that you don't need.
 
I

Iostdaia

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Torbay
Thank you for replying and sorry for my absence!. They're part of the adult recovery place im sure but they really dont care!! mum has asked for me to go to the doctors so i may but as i cant rely on them to actually do what they're job properly (even though i think there must be nothing wrong with me because i've had no letters or meetings still). If I were to explain things I doubt anyone would believe me (because no one in my life does anymore, everyone is waiting for me to kill myself and i don't know why I haven't done it yet. Am I a coward? Am I just waiting? I don't know but every thought more I argue and conversate about my life inside me and I just can't do this much longer). One thing which is the easiest thing and I think more simple thing to explain without you guys sending someone to find where I am is that sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of my body. Or perhaps that is the wrong thing?
Imagine looking from where you look, and then take a few steps back, and it feels like you are sinking, being dragged, or pulled out the back of your body but you can just about see. You are a puppet of whatever has taken over you, and your body and mind are not one. You could be floating or being dragged but you're not sure. which thought am i??? im considering the fact im possessed because i feel too full , does that make sense?
as for my job i have to move out wether i lose it or not becaise mum's moving out the country im prerty sure
shes wantes to get away from me since she left her husband anyway, but someone at work told me my mood swings are too 'mental'and its hard to deal with but ii really thought i was doing okay but now im not sure and myself doesnt lke it
basically im still struggling alone and my friends are lying to me and on my birthday they just kept lying to me so i left and i /tried/ again but genuinely my friend wouldnt stop banging on my door so i got up before my mum did, and im left wondering why she would do something like that, both stop me from doing that and possibly waking my mum up? further proves my point of all my 'mates' trying to push me over the edge right now and i just want it all to fucking stop
 
I

Iostdaia

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Torbay
im afraid that didn't make much sense...
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
Your post did make sense.

First of all I want to say that this forum doesn't send people to find you, so don't worry about that.

It sounds like you've got a lot to deal with and it's all adding up, so it's not surprising you're becoming increasingly anxious.

As for that strange feeling you describe that makes you feel you aren't in control of your body, it sound to me like you're possibly experiencing depersonalisation or derealisation.
Obviously i'm not a doctor, but I can relate to that feeling because it's something I experience it on a daily basis. There's not really anything that can be done to treat it. Because that feeling of not being in your body is driven by anxiety and/or low mood, generally if you can make yourself feel better that feeling will fade.

I still think you should see a doctor or a GP. You might not have had great experiences in the past and you might be worried that they'll misunderstand you, but even so, I think it's important that you talk to someone professional and hopefully get referred to the mental heath team.
That way, you'd be able to access help and get a long-term plan sorted (with stuff like where you're living, work, benefits etc.).
 
I

Iostdaia

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Torbay
I went to my doctors and requested an appointment and they got me one quick, it was a different person from last time and he was super worried so going to get me on medication I think
Sorry for that, I wasn't in a very good place, but thank you for the reply, I have read about depersonilasation I just never considered it something that happens to me (despite it being a sign of anxiety, but I know what to expect now)
 
I

Iostdaia

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Torbay
they put me on citalopram! didnt realise you had to pay for medication, but hey if they want us to pay to be alive then fuck em
 
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