- Feb 4, 2020
I’m just going to give you all my story and I hope you will respond with some advice or answers because I’m really struggling here and posting on here is really the only thing I could think of. So when I was really little weird little sensory things would really upset me. If I was wearing multiple layers of clothing the under layer sleeve had to be pulled out of the jacket or sweater and I always was pulling my socks up and making sure they stayed very tight. I also always had to have my shirt pulled down over my pants. If I got really upset at the way the fabric felt on my skin or my socks were too big or my shirt was riding up as I was running around I would get so irritated and my face would turn red and I would start sweating and sometimes start to cry or freak out and throw myself on the ground. It felt so weird because the certain feeling of something on my skin triggered extreme emotional responses and felt like a searing flash of Anger in my head and a horrible ear ache. Now, many years later I sometimes get annoyed with certain fabrics or wearing beanies or gloves that are too big but for the most part stuff like that hardly bothers me anymore. When I was younger certain smells would also send me into this uncontrollable state of hysteria. I also developed a phobia of people burping near me and would literally have a small panic attack anyone did. I would cry and usually try to get as far away from that person as possible. With both of these things I have been able to gain control of or I just have become tolerant to them overtime. I also have some body focused repetitive behaviors that aren’t healthy at all. I am so ashamed to even say this but often I suffer with dermatillomania and that causes problems with my face and scalp making them sore. I chew all the dead skin off my lips until they are sore. I bite my nails and make them sore. I am constantly popping my joints like my back, shoulders, wrists, fingers, toes, and ankles. I don’t do this anymore but when I was little I would run my tongue over my teeth for hours and hours making my tongue and my jaw very tired. I also made a tongue clicking noice all the time. I started self harming in 7th grade and continued this semi regularly for three years. I have hundreds of scars on my forearms and upper arms and a few on my thighs from all the self harming I did to my skin. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but the meds I was put on made me feel terrible. I was only able to tell my psychiatrist a small portion of what I am writing on this post because I am far too ashamed to admit these things to her. I also have gone to several different therapists for CBT or DBT talk therapy as well as group therapy but I strongly disliked both because I just felt like I was being judged the whole time. Please just let me know your thoughts.
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