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I just need a place to share

S

something10

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
China
This is my first time sharing what I am going through so I apologize if anything seems confusing or difficult to understand. I am just desperate to get everything in my head out and not focusing on proper grammer.

I am currently a high school student that is going through a tough time. I don't think I face the same problems as most people since I was born to amazing parents, I have friends, I don't get bullied, I don't have any financial troubles and I am rather overconfident than anxious most of the time. I was enjoying my life until I was 16 years old; up until that point I had a great time with my friends, I could talk to my parents about anything, I was able to play organized sports and be fortunate to have all my basic necessities. Right now I feel like I was just born with the purpose of being a no one. All my classmates fit into one of the following categories: the athletic kids, the school-smart kids, the artistic kids, the kids that no one respects, the kids that teachers love, the kids that are complete assholes but have a bright future, the kids that are born into an immensely wealthy family or the kids that no one can be mad at; then, there is me.

I don't have anything relevant that is worth the respect of anyone. I am not the best at any sport that my friends play. I try hard in the sports my school offers and I work the hardest during practices; however it is always the kid that was physically gifted that gets chosen or even gets to play. I often find myself trying to improve my skills while the physically gifted kid is out partying, yet they always end up being better.

I am okay at school. I used to be among the top of my class but something has been preventing that lately. I have the required knowledge and maybe more than required to be among the best in the class however my grades do not justify that statement. In English class, a place where we are welcome to be creative, I often find myself being mocked or being hated for an unpopular opinion or idea. I honestly feel like I am creative but I never seem to be able to draw well. I have embarrassed myself by singing in the past and know better than to even attempt to sing near others. I am popular but its not like anyone is looking up at me or is saying they want to be me. I have a lot of friends (even the ones that are socially referred to as the "cool kids") and none of them hate me or dislike me; it's just I never felt a sense of belonging. I am not the kid that most teachers love. I am not the kid that is an asshole. I care about all my classmates even the ones that piss me off or talk shit about me. I care about everyone I know and can't keep count of how many times I have helped friends get out of a rough situation,even if they care about me, I never felt like it. I am seem like the kid who is likely to live a boring life with a boring life. I am not the immensely wealthy kid. I am a kid that people can be mad at, even the ones I've helped get out of rough situations. I am the kid that is not good at anything relevant.

I struggled with depression for a whole year when I was in grade 11. When it was summer time, I went back to my home country and by the end of summer I started to enjoy life again. But now I've been back at school for nearly a month or two and feel like absolute shit. I used to be a person that found the best in humanity and even defended everyone from pessimists and those who believe humans are responsible for all the crisis that is happening today. I enjoyed talking to people and even loved starting conversations with everyone. Now I honestly don't feel like giving a shit about anything. No matter what I started or what I stopped doing, I just can't find happiness or be proud of myself. I enjoy my time with my friends and even laugh with them and also at home with my parents. But when I am alone, I just hate myself and pity myself. I've done things I usually enjoy doing but every time I get disappointed by thinking of a time where I did that activity better or didn't embarrass myself doing so. I have always felt my whole life that I was capable of more and that I was better than the athletic kids in an underrated way (in basketball my defense is out of this world but no one gives a shit about defense), the school-smart kids in an underrated way (I've realized I am not school-smart but I am smarter than or the smartest among my classmates), the artistic kids in an underrated way (I've always been creative but in an unconventional or unpopular way), etc. Everyday I think about how everyone is special and has that one thing that they are better than everyone at, but I have always felt like I was special for being okay or average at everything.

I always had day-dreams wherever I was. I imagined scenarios about being successful and rich. Scenarios where I was able to buy all the cars I've dreamed of buying. Scenarios where I was able to keep my parents happy by providing them with things I promised to buy them while growing up. Scenarios where I was special. Scenarios where I've had a successful romantic relationship. Scenarios where my presence was relevant. Scenarios where I knew exactly what to do in life. It only occurred to me recently that I imagine all of this while others don't because its what my subconscious knows I won't be able to achieve in real-life.

I love watching movies and sometimes find it the only way I can escape reality. The one thing I have noticed is the following; every movie or TV show has a character that I completely hate. I am a huge Marvel fan, love every installment and a huge fan of Thor. I loved Avengers Endgame but hated like absolutely hated Thor in this movie. Recently I realized I hated Thor in Endgame because he reminded me of ME. I loved the Thor that didn't try to please others, I loved the reckless Thor, I loved the Thor that was good at everything he tried, I loved the Thor that girls called attractive, I loved the Thor that could get any girls he want, I loved the Thor that everyone followed into battle, I loved the Thor that could destroy anyone and then Endgame changed that. I found myself hating a character that was made to resemble me, the Thor that was a loser, the Thor that I felt like was not getting respected, the weak Thor, the Thor that always got friend-zoned or bro-zoned, the Thor no one trusted to make the right decision even though he 100% would have, the Thor that was no longer considered attractive since he gained some weight, the Thor that couldn't solve any of his problems and most of all the Thor that was a laughing stock. I've realized that I've hated any character that even reminded myself a little about me and this was when I completely started just falling apart; all these characters I thought were losers were modeled exactly like me.

I was emotionally broken with my head being torn apart by more than one thought at a time. I needed a place to share all the random thought in my head and after typing everything above, I have come to terms with the fact that I was born with the specialty to be an average at everything. I apologize to everyone that was burdened by my organized chain of thought. Thank you!
 
S

something10

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
China
Hi it's me again,

after writing the post above, I had come to reality that I was just never going to be what I wanted. I was watching Avengers Endgame before I wrote the above post and decided to continue watching it. Thanks to my post my head was clear and I could focus once again. I began to appreciate this new version of Thor and decided to give him a chance. When I got to the scene (*spoiler alert if you haven't watched Endgame) where Thor met his mother Frigga, the line "everyone fails at who they are supposed to be, Thor" I realized something, I realized I WAS THOR. I realized for the past few years I was exactly Thor. Not all my wishes come true but the one I really wanted yet knew would not happen actually came true. The moment I realized I became exactly like Thor, I just burst out crying out of happiness. I wanted to be like several superheroes, several NBA players and several successful people, it might seem childish but the fact that I was actually able to become Thor is just turning my head upside down now. I simply cannot express how happy I am right now. I really do not know how to end this but I would like to thank this forum for providing me a place to express my thoughts.
 
R

Resolution

New member
Joined
Sep 21, 2019
Messages
1
Location
West Midlands
This is my first time sharing what I am going through so I apologize if anything seems confusing or difficult to understand. I am just desperate to get everything in my head out and not focusing on proper grammer.

I am currently a high school student that is going through a tough time. I don't think I face the same problems as most people since I was born to amazing parents, I have friends, I don't get bullied, I don't have any financial troubles and I am rather overconfident than anxious most of the time. I was enjoying my life until I was 16 years old; up until that point I had a great time with my friends, I could talk to my parents about anything, I was able to play organized sports and be fortunate to have all my basic necessities. Right now I feel like I was just born with the purpose of being a no one. All my classmates fit into one of the following categories: the athletic kids, the school-smart kids, the artistic kids, the kids that no one respects, the kids that teachers love, the kids that are complete assholes but have a bright future, the kids that are born into an immensely wealthy family or the kids that no one can be mad at; then, there is me.

I don't have anything relevant that is worth the respect of anyone. I am not the best at any sport that my friends play. I try hard in the sports my school offers and I work the hardest during practices; however it is always the kid that was physically gifted that gets chosen or even gets to play. I often find myself trying to improve my skills while the physically gifted kid is out partying, yet they always end up being better.

I am okay at school. I used to be among the top of my class but something has been preventing that lately. I have the required knowledge and maybe more than required to be among the best in the class however my grades do not justify that statement. In English class, a place where we are welcome to be creative, I often find myself being mocked or being hated for an unpopular opinion or idea. I honestly feel like I am creative but I never seem to be able to draw well. I have embarrassed myself by singing in the past and know better than to even attempt to sing near others. I am popular but its not like anyone is looking up at me or is saying they want to be me. I have a lot of friends (even the ones that are socially referred to as the "cool kids") and none of them hate me or dislike me; it's just I never felt a sense of belonging. I am not the kid that most teachers love. I am not the kid that is an asshole. I care about all my classmates even the ones that piss me off or talk shit about me. I care about everyone I know and can't keep count of how many times I have helped friends get out of a rough situation,even if they care about me, I never felt like it. I am seem like the kid who is likely to live a boring life with a boring life. I am not the immensely wealthy kid. I am a kid that people can be mad at, even the ones I've helped get out of rough situations. I am the kid that is not good at anything relevant.

I struggled with depression for a whole year when I was in grade 11. When it was summer time, I went back to my home country and by the end of summer I started to enjoy life again. But now I've been back at school for nearly a month or two and feel like absolute shit. I used to be a person that found the best in humanity and even defended everyone from pessimists and those who believe humans are responsible for all the crisis that is happening today. I enjoyed talking to people and even loved starting conversations with everyone. Now I honestly don't feel like giving a shit about anything. No matter what I started or what I stopped doing, I just can't find happiness or be proud of myself. I enjoy my time with my friends and even laugh with them and also at home with my parents. But when I am alone, I just hate myself and pity myself. I've done things I usually enjoy doing but every time I get disappointed by thinking of a time where I did that activity better or didn't embarrass myself doing so. I have always felt my whole life that I was capable of more and that I was better than the athletic kids in an underrated way (in basketball my defense is out of this world but no one gives a shit about defense), the school-smart kids in an underrated way (I've realized I am not school-smart but I am smarter than or the smartest among my classmates), the artistic kids in an underrated way (I've always been creative but in an unconventional or unpopular way), etc. Everyday I think about how everyone is special and has that one thing that they are better than everyone at, but I have always felt like I was special for being okay or average at everything.

I always had day-dreams wherever I was. I imagined scenarios about being successful and rich. Scenarios where I was able to buy all the cars I've dreamed of buying. Scenarios where I was able to keep my parents happy by providing them with things I promised to buy them while growing up. Scenarios where I was special. Scenarios where I've had a successful romantic relationship. Scenarios where my presence was relevant. Scenarios where I knew exactly what to do in life. It only occurred to me recently that I imagine all of this while others don't because its what my subconscious knows I won't be able to achieve in real-life.

I love watching movies and sometimes find it the only way I can escape reality. The one thing I have noticed is the following; every movie or TV show has a character that I completely hate. I am a huge Marvel fan, love every installment and a huge fan of Thor. I loved Avengers Endgame but hated like absolutely hated Thor in this movie. Recently I realized I hated Thor in Endgame because he reminded me of ME. I loved the Thor that didn't try to please others, I loved the reckless Thor, I loved the Thor that was good at everything he tried, I loved the Thor that girls called attractive, I loved the Thor that could get any girls he want, I loved the Thor that everyone followed into battle, I loved the Thor that could destroy anyone and then Endgame changed that. I found myself hating a character that was made to resemble me, the Thor that was a loser, the Thor that I felt like was not getting respected, the weak Thor, the Thor that always got friend-zoned or bro-zoned, the Thor no one trusted to make the right decision even though he 100% would have, the Thor that was no longer considered attractive since he gained some weight, the Thor that couldn't solve any of his problems and most of all the Thor that was a laughing stock. I've realized that I've hated any character that even reminded myself a little about me and this was when I completely started just falling apart; all these characters I thought were losers were modeled exactly like me.

I was emotionally broken with my head being torn apart by more than one thought at a time. I needed a place to share all the random thought in my head and after typing everything above, I have come to terms with the fact that I was born with the specialty to be an average at everything. I apologize to everyone that was burdened by my organized chain of thought. Thank you!
Maybe you need to be able to talk to someone independently like a counsellor where you can check out with support how you are presently feeling without fear of being judged glad you have shared and good luck with your future take care.
 
S

something10

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
China
Maybe you need to be able to talk to someone independently like a counsellor where you can check out with support how you are presently feeling without fear of being judged glad you have shared and good luck with your future take care.
Thank you very much!
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
1,297
Location
Sheffiield
I would like to thank this forum for providing me a place to express my thoughts.
That's what we're here for, sometimes we have advice and sometimes people work through their troubles on their own just by writing down their thoughts and feelings.

I love how you used superheroes in your thought process, Stan Lee would be proud of you I'm sure.

I'm glad you're feeling better and wish you all the best for the future.
 
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