I just got meds and I'm scared and angry

A

Amphie

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#1
I was gonna write this long winded story about what's going on, but I ran out of energy. And I think this is something I wanna do so I decided to make it quick. I am 23yo she/her college graduating senior. I have situational depression, and panic disorder that was diagnosed 2 weeks ago. I hate this stupid bullshit. It feels like I have no control over myself. I'm not an emotionally open person and this has been the hardest two weeks. I can't sleep because I constantly think I'm either dying or going to have a panic attack. Because of my very frequent panic attacks I have muscle pain CONSTANTLY from tensing and shallow breathing, and all I can think about is how fast my heart is beating. I'm also really embarrassed all the time because I have to call my mom or sisters at 3:00 am and tell them I think I'm dying just so I won't call 911 again. It's getting harder and harder to convince myself that I'm fine especially at night. There are times during the day when I'm with friends working on our project or pleasantly distracted, but as soon as I'm alone with my thoughts for too long my heart starts too race. The reason I'm posting this now is because today I got put on medication. A doctor told me today, "that I may not be able to handle this on my own, and that's okay" that the meds were just there to help. Of corse I believe her, but there's this AWFUL EVIL part of my brain that's telling me that I'm weak. I'm weak for having these thoughts, I'm weak for obsessing about them, I'm weak for not just tossing them aside, I'm weak for not being able to sleep, I'm weak for needing meds. The worst part for me is I REMEMBER 3 weeks ago, when I was fine. I slept like a baby every night for like 8, 9 hours. I didn't ball my eyes out everyday. I didn't think I was dying, or having a heart attack or going NUTS. I wanted to post on here because I feel like I have stigmas around anxiety and depression that I need to break, so maybe I can take this stupid medicine tonight, and not feel awful about it. They're ruining my perception of myself. I feel bad for asking for help, I feel bad about taking medicine, and I'm trying to convince myself I shouldn't, and that this. I just need some help.
Thanks for reading.
-amphie
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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#2
Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad you are receiving help! It's okay to reach out to people, to see a doctor, to take medication to get through this.
I know what you mean about remembering being "normal" just recently - I totally have that same feeling sometimes. Right now, I'm pretty much back to normal, but it is due to taking medicine to get me there. I would not have been able to do it without the medicine.
Why can't we just handle it? Are we weak? No! Something is going on in our minds, causing us to overreact to feelings of fear and anxiety. Until you can get it under control, it is PERFECTLY OKAY to take the medication that your doctor has prescribed.
I hope you take it, and that it starts helping you soon. You will not be in this state of mind forever - you can get back to how you felt before. I promise.
 
A

Amphie

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#3
I'm trying to take my meds now. And I just realized I'm absolutely terrified to take them. What if something bad happens? They make me drowsy, I may not be able to tell someone. It's a really low dose, but my anxiety is winning right now. I'm too scared to take it...
 
L

Lunar Lady

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#4
Amphie, trauma brings on panic attacks - usually because you have locked a whole heap of unexpressed emotion in a cupboard in your mind. I had the most terrifying panic attacks following sudden bereavement - because I wasn't good at expressing my feelings or even acknowledging them. I'm the product of 'stiff upper lip' parents who despised weakness, so I became incredibly proficient at burying my emotions and always assuming the role of being 'the strong one'.

Something has happened to trigger your situational depression and it will be the same trigger of these panic attacks. Nights are always the worst because your mind has the opportunity to relax and let emotions take centre stage when you least want that to happen but there's no distractions.

Abandon any ideas of sleep hygiene for now - put the television on or watch a film until your eyes close. The tablets will help and nothing bad will happen to you. You're not going to choke or stop breathing - those are mental manifestations of anxiety and panic.

You need to talk through what has happened to you until you shed the unspent feelings associated with it. Either arrange counselling or avail yourself of helpline numbers to get things out of your system.

I can tell by the tone of your voice that this all seems irrational and utterly humiliating to you - which makes me think you've accelerated through a personal trauma without so much as a glance in your rear view mirror. Emotional healing takes time and patience - the panic attacks are your body's way of demanding that nurture and attention.

You will be fine tonight - the tablets will relax you and you'll sleep, trust me.

Don't be so harsh with yourself - both body and mind are delicate instruments that need care.

Lots of love xx
 
A

Amphie

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#5
I wanted to thank both of you. I needed support and I still do. I’m going to see my doctor today to get some reassurance about my meds. I wasn’t able to take them last night and had 3 panic attacks thinking about it before I gave up. I’m gonna try tonight though. I’m also going to see a counselor this Friday. Again thank you for your kind words of support. I really needed them.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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#6
I'm so glad you are going to see your doctor. Hopefully, they can reassure you about this medicine, or help you choose a different course of treatment. Hope you're feeling better soon. :hug:
 
A

Amphie

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#7
Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now, and take these meds. I took them in the office with the doctor, and I had a panic attack but, nothing bad happened I just got relaxed and sleepy. I'm still scared, but I'm gonna take them. I may have a panic attack and that's okay, because nothing will happen to me, and I can always call someone to feel better. I won't choke, I won't have a heart attack. I will be fine. I'm going to get to sleep.
 
A

Amphie

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#8
I'm having a bad night. I was feeling so much better today after nearly 9 hours of sleep which I was so proud of. Then at 11:30 I found out that my step-grandfather passed away. I'm worried about my Grandma, and I'm worried about my dad. I love them, and I know they're so upset for the loss and for each other, but my anxiety is all health related so I feel like a self-centered ass for sitting here being anxious and unavailable for them. I'm afraid if I go around then I'll break down and have a panic attacks and make everything worse. They don't need that bullshit, but the may need me...My heart won't stop pounding. I'm so scared and frustrated, and I can't stop fucking shaking. I downloaded an app called DARE and I'm trying my best to listen cause it's all really great advice, but every time I start to feel better it comes back again. I normally call my family for support on panic and anxiety, but they're so racked with all that's going on I don't want to shove my problems on them, and I don't know what to do.
 
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Lunar Lady

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#9
You need to cry, darling.

Stop distracting yourself or trying to jam your head with control techniques.

Think about your loss and have a damn good cry - shoulder-heaving, nose-running, body wracking sobs....

it lets all of the tension out :hug:

So sorry you're going through this xxxx
 
A

Amphie

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#10
I tried to go to sleep and had a panic attack. I can't stop sobbing now, and any time I do my heart flutters and it scares the shit out of me. I called a mental health hotline and it helped, but when they hung up I felt all alone again. I just keep flopping between I'm dying and He's gone. Like He'll never call me Jahzzy again and add that weird 'h' noise to my name, and he won't be there to sign those really old country songs at campfires, and he won't be there for my grandma either. She must be so scared and feel alone too. I tried to call my mom but she's asleep. I just can't calm down. I'm so scared and upset and uncomfortable.
 
L

Lunar Lady

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#11
Amphie - you're not dying - nothing bad will happen.

The more you panic, the faster your heart will race.

Listen to me: Breathe through your nose only. Don't gulp air.

Sit down on the floor and take a slow breath through your nose to the count of five.....

breathe out through your nose to the count of five...okay?

I'm here with you......
 
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Lunar Lady

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#12
Close your eyes and just focus on breathing in through your nose slowly and evenly....then out slowly and evenly to the count of five..............
 
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Lunar Lady

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#13
Imagine you are balancing a jug of water on your head - you need to sit absolutely still and breathe shallow and slowly so it doesn't fall off

This will control your breathing and slow your heart rate down.

All that's happening is that you are panicked and gulping air in ragged breaths and too much oxygen increases the sensations of panic
 
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Lunar Lady

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#14
When you've settled your breathing down, you should start to feel heavy and tired.

That's good.

Using both hands, very slowly massage the centre of your foot - use your thumb to squeeze and massage slow circles in the centre of your foot. Keep the movements slow.

You can relax your entire body by massaging your feet.....
 
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Lunar Lady

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#15
Use your hands to squeeze your toes hard and then release until you feel the tension leaving them....
 
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Lunar Lady

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#16
I'm here - just follow the instructions and trust me because they work....

Very slow breathing through your nose......sit absolutely still on the floor........

when your pulse settles and you start to feel tired, work on your feet.....

:hug: I'm not logging off - I'm here

Follow the instructions....
 
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Lunar Lady

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#17
I'm here - don't respond until you have done these slow breaths for at least ten minutes

I'm staying with you :hug:
 
L

Lunar Lady

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#18
Now consciously let your shoulders slump....

Fear will have pulled your shoulders high and tight....

Consciously drop your shoulders and let your arms go loose.....
 
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Lunar Lady

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#19
I think that this is what’s happening

Your mouth is just dry from gulping air....

Your throat just feels tight through tension...

You're totally safe - you're not going to choke or stop breathing.

You're totally safe Amphie :hug:
 
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L

Lunar Lady

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#20
When you're ready, tell me how you're feeling x
 

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