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I just don't get it!!

B

Bwildered

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How come, when you have friends, you don't hear from them for ages. Then, when you do hear from them, they ask how you are, wanting to know everything you've been doing, etc etc, whats new, gossip, chat, etc. So you write them everything, not getting heavy or anything. But you tell them all your news, say its great to hear from them, and how are they, and whats their news etc.

and then...

and then, you don't hear a word from them??????????

Makes me feel like, whats the point, why do I bother to respond to them, if they don't ever respond to anything I say in any shape or form??!!!

Now, this seems to happen no matter whether I've spotted a second hand book they've been after and have posted it off to them as a nice surprise, or have told them their latest group are performing and would they be interested in seeing the group, or, if some common catastrophe has happened for example a bus route we both use is on strike and they didn't know about it, or if they've told me they've a problem in their family and what would I do and I tell them my inner most thoughts, IT STILL HAPPENS!!

What is going on?

These people (not here, but in my life away from the computer) I just don't get it.

I think the one that got to me the most was being emailed how are you, would you like to meet up, come to a show, etc, and I mailed back saying sorry its a bad time there's been a death in the family, and I haven't heard from that person since.

The others that get to me are the ones who live abroad and tell me they really miss eating Opal Fruits, so I send them some in the post and I get no nothing back - that is, they don't bother to acknowledge me in any shape or form.

Even when I don't go out of my way todo something nice for them, they are the same. No response at all.

When I get emails or phone messages or requests etc I do respond, it's nice to, and I like sharing things with them, and I believe its part of being polite and friendly to, with friends.

So why don't they?????

Sometimes I think if I don't contact them at all anymore maybe in a years time they might suddenly remember I was supposed to be their friend and contact me again.

But I don't like the thought of being totally isolated, and I don't want to play games either.

Just sucks sometimes when I get nothing back. I don't mean items, I mean simply acknowledging me, or talking/contacting me back, that's all.

:mad:
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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That's tough - though I do admit to being hopless at keeping in touch with people but that just makes me as hopless as my friends. We all accept this and so get on okay on the odd ocasions that we get together.

All I can suggest is some new friends and to say that we will never ignore you here! I know of people here who have made some great new friends through the forum both in the virtual and eventually the real world - so you never know!

Take care,
Honey, xx
 
ellamental

ellamental

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friendship

no no it is rude not ot say thank you if a friend has gone out of th way to send a book...you are clearly a very thoughtful person and a good friend. Having said that I am rubbish with birthdays and a friend I have had since school tells me she finds it hard when people forget her birthday becasue she alwasy goes to such a big effort with everyones borthdays and is a super organised person...cards lined up in date order etc I know all this and yet I still forget everyones birthdays including hers but then if I see something small I know she will love I will get it for her and strangely I alwasy remember the anniversary of her mothers death and give her a call on this day. I guess friendship is about compromise isnt it and recognising that this person is always late but will alwasy remember my birthday whereas another friend who annoys me becasue she will never offer to buy a drink yet drinks the most and I dont drink...but then when in a state one day and stuck in a car park not able to stop crying about the end of my marriage drops everything in the middle of a meeting, comes down with hot chocolate and then asks another of her friends to join us who knows all about separation and the law and so on...she is a great lateral thinker when my head is all pickled sometimes. Different friends offer different strengths dont they. You know the ones you can party with but they are not necessarily the ones you can trust with your deepest secrets. I am always late for everything and apologised to one friend after keeping her waiting for ages...it seems the longer I give myself to get ready the later I am...she said that she had accepted that I will always be late, she alwasy allows for it in her mind now when arranging with me ..but that when i get there I am more than worth the wait!! How lovely is that. One great friend i met when we worked briefly together over twenty years ago have kept in touch and have met for lunch once a moth ever since, we share a love of chinese and prawns...we dont do cards or presents but when things are tough in her life I buy the lunch and vice versa, we gently puch each other to explore areas we are a little uncomfortable with and real changes are often the outcome. I know she would be there for me whenever I needed her and because the last few months have been hard separating from my husband after 25years together and changes with work, moving house, bipolar diagnoses etc etc each time we meet she brings me bubble bath (partly because she was cross that my x felt it was a luxury we couldnt afford). She would make a point of saying that it was very cheap or in the sale..look..often with the price on and that I must not now start to buy her bubble bath. It is a small gesture but to me it has meant so very much because it is acknowledging that you are having a tough time and that someone cares enought to think about you to go that extra distance. I said this and we talked about our easy friendship over the years and I mentioned my hair and that maybe it looked a bit severe now all one colour and i should add some movement/highlights no older....she said ...I am a real friend Ella....do not worry...when you start to look odd I will tell you!!! And she will! Sorry for going on. The opal fruits are appreciated but you might find out a different way. Alternatively you could adopt my mums way when she has a conversation with herself while I am listening...aw thanks mum for making my lunch, you are so lovely to me...thats Ok hon, I am kind arent I....you always go to such an effort and I alwasy forget to say thank you....yes but I know I am fab si uts ok and I am sure you meant to tell me didnt you but you were racing around, was that it etc etc she hamms it up with a lot of adjectives...thanks beautiful, lovely, cuddly mummy etc so the message is heard but with humour! End of my rant for today :clap:
 
B

Bwildered

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:) thank you both for your beautiful posts, they are sooooooo meaningful and helpful.

Still not heard a word from the so-called friends in any shape or form. Don't want to waste my thoughts on them, if that's what they think is the way friends are then sod them. Pure and simple. I got other fish to fry in my little lifetime.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Well done you. There are plenty of people who would really appreciate both your friendship and your caring nature. Go for it.
 
Bluemoon

Bluemoon

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I remember a friend I had right through High school, best friend really. When I went to college and he went to work we kind of grew apart and although I rang him every few months or so for a chat about anything he never seemed interested or rather had nothing much to say to me at all. I just thought that it's because he's working and I'm studying so we didn't have much in common anymore with our day to day lives. Then when I went to university I used to email him every now and again but always got very short replies back. I was happy to tell him what I'd been up to etc but he told me little in return. It was always me making the effort so I began asking myself why I bothered. In the end I gave up and I never heard a peep for two whole years. When I had finished my course in 2000 and came home I got an email from him out of the blue. It was insultingly short and comprised of a few questions such as "What grade did you get on your results ?", "Where are you working now and what job are you in ?" - very personal questions from someone I hadn't heard from in two years. I was so angry that I just replied, "I'm doing fine, thanks." and sent it back. I haven't heard from him since, I think he got the message.

I've also had old friends get in touch and then start to bombard me with questions, like, how many girlfriends have I been with since we was last in touch and how much do I earn - not that it's any of their business anyway. The last time I filled them in on these details ( except the earning one that is ) they vanished without a trace and they were obviously just being nosy and fishing for gossip :mad:.

Another thing is that some people will "use" you for a time and move on or will just get in touch when they are suddenly on their own again and need someone to tie them over until they meet someone new. I have no time for people who do this because it's really all about them and what's in it for them ( the trademark of a me, me, me type ). Of course when you first meet someone you have to give them one chance because how else are you going to know what they are like ? When they blow it, they are history as far as I'm concerned. I have two current friends that I've known for around eight months or so and so far they are very "two way" in that it's not me doing all running around and making the effort. These types I appreciate and I look after them because they seem to be getting harder to find - where I live anyway.

Ok. . . phew - rant over, blew of some steam there as well as stating the obvious but I feel better for it (y) :tea:.
 
B

Bwildered

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Blue Moon, wow, I feel for you and know where you're coming from, and I for one am glad you ranted :)

The bit where they are there when they need someone to tie them over rings bells with how I feel about those that aren't there at all anymore in my life.

Feel like I want to go into great details but I'll refrain from that at the moment. Instead what I will say is one "friend" was actually very domineering - seeming to know what was best all the time, taking over and butting in conversations/thoughts of mine, and never shutting up to listen, also wearing me out with "opinions" but without experience of LIFE (and death) d'you know the kind I mean?

Or with others when I make a stand against something immoral with them continuing to make excuses for the thing done that was out of order, and the end result is I got sent to Coventry.

Guess I still feel hurt and disappointment, as I thought with those people we were firm friends for life.

I guess now then, I can say, over the last year or so I no longer have anything todo with about a half a dozen people who I'd previously regarded as friends.

I think about the ones who are left. two are much older than me, and I've known them both for years. Sometimes I get scared as I know they won't be around forever (given their ages), but I know deep down they both deeply care about me as I do about them, I feel they're special and I get the feeling they regard me as special too. With them we are each ourselves - swearing, Victor Meldrew's all round, common as muck, but most importantly accepting of each other for the way we each truly are!

There is only one other one left. I don't see her very often, I never did, but it's ok, as we both know when we do see each other it'll just carry on naturally and the time we haven't seen each other is irrelevant. We have this unspoken understanding, but we both know that we each care for each other and trust each other 100%.

3 friends left. At least I got them.

In time, praps I'll get to know others and add a 4th but at least there are 3 genuine ones. And I'd rather have few genuine ones than a lot of superficial ones who can't be trusted and who are selfish and hollow.
 
Last edited:
B

Bwildered

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-accepting of each other for the way we each truly are...

you see, that's it, for some of them (apart from the one who stole money from me a couple of months ago) - accepting you for how you are...

one that I chose not to see anymore was racist and their views were not hidden but broadcast out loud. I gave them a piece of my mind and that was it, nothing todo with them anymore. But with this person it was like they couldn't accept me for the way I think, it wasn't the way they thought, you see.

With another one that I don't see anymore it was a case of me refusing to trust and me refusing to allow them to attempt to take advantage of me; I stood my ground and said NO!! They wanted me to be submissive, in other words, wanted me to be something I wasn't. But I saw it coming and gave them the big heev-ho (and in doing so was sent to Coventry by others)

with another one, it was like I just wasn't interesting enough anymore. And they lost interest because my outlooks and moods and emotions of grief marked me. Because I wasn't who I was before they seem to have just disappeared, either that or they are simply ignoring me, but either way I no longer appeal to them as I did before, maybe because I no longer was the wimp who allowed them to remain the superior one over me, maybe they picked up something about me that gave them a message that I wasn't going to be a certain way anymore (never mind why, though - how cruel and horrible of them to just dump me as a friend like this, how cruel and horrible and cold of them to just ignore me, instead of remembering what really has altered me in some sense is the trauma and witnessing the death of loved ones. When I think about this person who blanks me I do get angry. I'm angry now, but I know when I wake up tomorrow and will talk to my shrink or will eat out for lunch somewhere with hopefully a hint of sunshine up there, they won't be on my mind at all then, I'll be miles away thinking about something totally different.

:whistle::shrug:
 
Bluemoon

Bluemoon

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Blue Moon, wow, I feel for you and know where you're coming from, and I for one am glad you ranted :)

The bit where they are there when they need someone to tie them over rings bells with how I feel about those that aren't there at all anymore in my life.
Thank you :D, it's good to have people understand what it feels like. I think with people who use us in that way, they don't see a problem with it, like it's just acceptable. In actuality, the person getting used ends up feeling bad about it ( not feeling good enough or interesting enough )and I know it can eat away at your confidence if you even blame yourself for it - as I used to once. It's best to just shrug shoulders and move on, don't blame yourself.

Like in nature, and for some reason I'm finding this bit humorous, there are parasites and there are symbionts :).

Feel like I want to go into great details but I'll refrain from that at the moment. Instead what I will say is one "friend" was actually very domineering - seeming to know what was best all the time, taking over and butting in conversations/thoughts of mine, and never shutting up to listen, also wearing me out with "opinions" but without experience of LIFE (and death) d'you know the kind I mean?
Oh I do, really do. I've dealt with those sorts on occasion and are another characteristic of the "me, me, me" type. For example, one of my friends apologizes all the time when he accidentally interrupts me ( we have a lot of conversations that fascinate us both ) and I always end up finding myself doing the same thing. It's all to do with politeness and understanding that it's just plain rude to be like the person you just described. You may sometimes find that the same type will have no problem showing dislike to your opinions and how you see or experience things, yet if you do the same they begin to get annoyed - kind of like a spoilt child, can't take it. Have you noticed that when they begin to talk over you they are usually not looking in your direction/ focusing on your eyes ? Obviously not interested with what you have to say because they are too self interested with what they have to say next. Grrrrr :mad:.

Or with others when I make a stand against something immoral with them continuing to make excuses for the thing done that was out of order, and the end result is I got sent to Coventry.
I know what your saying, annoying isn't it ?

I think about the ones who are left. two are much older than me, and I've known them both for years. Sometimes I get scared as I know they won't be around forever (given their ages), but I know deep down they both deeply care about me as I do about them, I feel they're special and I get the feeling they regard me as special too.
It's how I think of my family right now, I have an older brother but my parents are both pensioners and I dread the day I loose them. I worry about my brother too.

There is only one other one left. I don't see her very often, I never did, but it's ok, as we both know when we do see each other it'll just carry on naturally and the time we haven't seen each other is irrelevant. We have this unspoken understanding, but we both know that we each care for each other and trust each other 100%.
Sounds nice :).

In time, praps I'll get to know others and add a 4th but at least there are 3 genuine ones. And I'd rather have few genuine ones than a lot of superficial ones who can't be trusted and who are selfish and hollow.
Me too, I seem to cope best with a small group of friends than larger numbers as I can find it to be quite stressful - but I'm also not one to turn a potential friend away without a very good reason.

re: to your second message, mainly to "accepting of each other for the way we each truly are"

Yes, this seems to be a recurring problem with me sometimes as well - especially with acquaintances. When I build up a picture of someone with all their likes/ dislikes etc - it's just the way they are and that's it. Trouble is, it's not always "two way" and I find that as soon as your back is turned with some, then the Chinese whispers do their rounds and it gets back to me - that people can say some very nasty or hurtful things because you have different interests/tastes in music, tv programmes, hobbies etc and even what you spend your money on. I'd rather someone just tell me to my face and be honest, which can be achieved without being rude and falling out, and then we can just agree to disagree and carry on. . . if it was a perfect world that is.

I can also relate to your other experiences in your post as well.
 
dollylama

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I totally get what you mean. The trick though, is to NOT tell them what's been happening in your life esp. by email or some other medium than by face. Because there'll be nothing to talk about if you tell them everything before you get to meet.

The next time someone sends you like an email asking you what's up, just tell them that things are alright and you're doing ok and then make a plan to meet somewhere and hang out.

You can tell them more about what's been happening in your life when you meet.
 
Bluemoon

Bluemoon

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Yes, your right of course - exhaust everything in an email or on-line leads to awkward moments when you meet up. It's something I really must remind myself to do in the future. I've never been one for updating my status every hour on Facebook or putting all my personal business on there - it's just to keep in touch with a few friends that live elsewhere as well as family. Some people from High School that I never even spoke with have wanted to add me on their friends list -and out of politeness I accepted, some have spoken with me, some haven't. I guess the ones that haven't spoken yet are just trying to up the number of friends they have listed on their profile. Anyway, that's probably a good conversation with another topic - I'll start one after this post on that.
 
I

IL_Artist

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Honestly, I'm probably a lot like one of the friends you tried to keep contact with. A lot of people I knew from high school will send me messages on facebook and whatnot. I might send a short message back, but I'm not really interested in keeping contact with them. I knew these people during a part of my life that I really hated and that I would rather not remember. I just want to detach myself from that part of my life. I don't know if this applies to the people you talked to.
 
Bluemoon

Bluemoon

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I just want to detach myself from that part of my life. I don't know if this applies to the people you talked to.
Yes, in a big way - it does. I get superpoked a lot from some people but others just don't interact with me in anyway. I get the feeling that a couple added me just out of curiosity to see where I am in my life now. If that is the reason, they have wasted their time because aside from some party photos etc I haven't put any personal details down, except my birthday.

I'm currently thinking about canceling my Facebook account now anyway and maybe creating a Myspace account or an account on some other networking site in order to just add current friends and family - it's a great tool for that, but I'm not interested in adding strangers or people from my ( fairly ) distant past anymore. Time to move on.
 
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