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I ink my partner has bi polar - very grateful for any advice or guidance

B

Beckarichard

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Joined
Nov 19, 2014
Messages
8
I ink my partner has bi polar - very grateful for any advice or guidance

I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years, we met at school when we were 18 and have been together ever since – although it has been a very difficult relationship to be in a lot of the time.
I think I have always thought that someone hasn’t been quite right with him, he suffers with OCD and has always expressed quite often strange or unrealistic views about things. He seems to find it hard to maintain any meaningful long-term relationships with friends, and a lot of the time because of his behaviour, I get the impression a lot of people don’t like him or think he’s a bit of an a**ehole – which he can be at times, but knowing him better than anyone else, I see past this not so nice side of him, and the person I love is a caring, happy and fun person to be around and he is my best friend in the whole world.
One of the things over the years that has made me question whether there is something more to his behaviour, is his inability to stick at anything, including our relationship. I know he loves me, but from about 1 year onwards, nearly once a year he’d start to be really horrible to me and tell me he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore, I’d be devastated, but this might only last a couple of days, then he’d be really sorry, tell me he did love me and we’d go back to normal again. About 5 years ago, having been in a really good job, earning good money for about 4 years, he decided he wanted to pack it in and go into the army, this involved him taking a salary that was half the amount he had been earning previously, and I knew he would hate it – he had this totally unrealistic view on what it would be like, he would be thinking about the parades and all the glory and pride associated with this job and not the reality of what it would be like day to day. I tried to reason with him over it, but when he has something in his mind, everyone around him could think what he is doing is crazy, but it will make perfect sense to him and there is no reasoning with him at all. So he left his job, joined the army and after about a week I was waking up to messages from him absolutely desperate, hating it, needing to come home – which is what happened after 4 weeks, this was the earliest he was allowed to leave. After he came home, he was lucky and managed to re-join his previous line of work quite quickly, we went through a period about a year of things being really good and probably the most settled they have been.
He then changed his job again last October, which was a sensible move for progression, but quite a big change, and this totally unsettled everything again. About a month before he started, I found he had ordered some form of anti-depressants via an online pharmacy, he was obviously feeling quite bad at this point and didn’t feel able to go to the doctors to be paying £100 for a prescription, when he could have gone to the local GP! I was really concerned, but tried to support him, he wouldn’t tell me exactly what he was taking, but he was a little better for about a month, but he stupidly finished the prescription, thought he didn’t need them anymore because he felt better and didn’t take them anymore – things have just spiralled in the last year from this point.
When he started his new job at the end of October last year, he met a girl on his training course, who he began an affair with. He was normally a very health conscious person and had a lot of anxiety issues usually around ‘needing’ to go to the gym and eat healthily etc. this all stopped, he stopped exercising, ate rubbish and began going out with her after work or back to her house and drinking (large amounts) every night – half of the time he wouldn’t come home, he was getting into trouble at work for their stupid behaviour – all totally out of character for him. We were arguing a lot about the amount of time he was spending with her and he would just insist he was having fun and she was a friend. I think she was an escape from his real life and facing up to his responsibilities. I felt I was losing the person I loved and my best friend, he was becoming unrecognisable. When I would quite rightfully question his behaviour if he’d not been home for a few days, he’d blow up – he just wanted to come home and have a ‘nice time with me’, he try and blame me as the reason for his behaviour and why he wouldn’t come home. This went on until March, I think it was the glimpses of the person I loved that I would see occasionally for a couple of days that kept me going for that long, but when I found out for sure that he had been cheating on me, our relationship ended and he moved out to be with her.
He was only there a few days, said their relationship was never going to work out and he ending up staying with his parents. I kept my distance from him for about 3 months, I was terrified of seeing him, because I knew I’d take him back. After about 3 months, he was contacting me a lot, full of remorse, he seemed like the person I fell in love with again, eventually I agreed to meet and it was amazing just to see him and be with him again, and we got back together and he moved back home very shortly after that – probably too quickly in hindsight.
During the time we’d not been together, he told me of how he had slept with a lot of different women, but that it wasn’t what he wanted, he loved me and that was all he wanted to focus on now. After a great first month together, where we’d booked a holiday for a few weeks’ time, he heard from the girl he had cheated on me with, went to meet her and told me he was leaving me again. He went to her, but then came back after a couple of days, saying he did love me and wanted to be with me.
Since then, this has probably happened about 8 times – I know if people knew they’d think I was crazy for staying with him, but I know that this isn’t really him. I know deep down he loves me and he wants our relationship to work more than anything, but when he goes through these cycles of mood swings, he will say he knows he is doing the wrong thing and he’ll regret it, but he can’t stop himself. After a couple of days he can come back and be totally he old self again – it almost feels like I’m in a relationship with two totally different people. His relationship with this girl has also got him into more trouble at work and he is currently being investigated for gross misconduct and could lose his job as a result, which isn’t helping his stress levels – or mine!
There is so much more, but I am certain that he behaviour is the result of a condition such as bi polar, he is under the doctor at the moment, but just for depression, he is taking citalopram, but I don’t think he tells the doctor half of what is going on really – I think he just says he feels low etc. so the GP prescribes him the anti-depressants, which he doesn’t take properly a lot of the time. He’s gone from being on 40mg to stopping them dead and then feeling really unwell as a result. He has been taking them again at 20mg now for about a month, but I don’t think they are really helping him. He stopped letting me go to doctors’ appointments with him, so I can’t tell the doctor what I have witnessed behaviour wise etc.
I realise this is a really long post, but I am desperate now and have no idea what to do, I have suggested that he may have something like bi polar and he dismisses it, I don’t think he has a concept of ‘reality’ at the moment and doesn’t realise he is on the verge of ruining his life. I understand it must be hard to accept that you have something like this, but I think that’s because he doesn’t really know anything about the condition and doesn’t want to be labelled as having something like that. He will often say that he knows he is all over the place and that it’s a nightmare to be him and be inside his head, but I just want him to get proper help.
Any advice anyone can give would be so much appreciated, it is really lonely to be in this relationship at the moment, I don’t feel I can really tell my friends and family because a lot of them would just think he is treating me really badly and think I shouldn’t be with him, I don’t think they would accept that his behaviour might be caused by something like this. I love him with all my heart and I’m not ready to give up on him yet, but I am terrified if he doesn’t change, that he will ruin my life and his own.
 
Grape

Grape

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Sorry i don't have the attention span to read all of that, but the part i did read, erm, we aren't all 'horrible' 'assholes' lol I don't think either of those are symptoms of bipolar disorder. I will check the DSM though, just to be sure.

If you are worried about him, get him to see his GP.
 
B

Beckarichard

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Nov 19, 2014
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8
I appreciate it is a long post, if you had read it, you would have seen that it is not what I have said at all, in fact I have said the opposite. I think when someone behaves the way he has this year, most people are forming that opinion about him, because many don't realise that there may be underlying causes or reasons for his behaviour
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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You may be right, I have Bipolar 2 and BPD and I can relate to a lot of this. This constant falling in/out of love with you and suddenly jacking his job in and doing something left field sounds like a manic phase decision. I once went out to buy a new car (that I needed) and ended up buying four! It all sounds very BP to me.

However the one thing he definitely has that most people with BP do not have is a loving, supportive partner. Most of us definitely do not have that because it is really hard for the partner, especially pre diagnosis and they are unaware of the problem. You must remember that I wouldn't draw any conclusions and start self diagnosing, that can lead to further problems if he does have issues.

I would push for a psychiatrist appointment because if he is BP and starts a manic phase anti depressants are the very last things he should be on. If he agrees, go with him to the GP and explain all the weird stuff and try to get a referral, although most of us need to be sectioned before we get that!

The hypersexuality thing is a big red flag here. It's the most common symptom of a manic phase in BP people apparently. It's really not easy to deal with for both partners and in a highly delusive state all sorts of things can happen, my old BP support group meetings were 100 times worse than jeremy kyle! Not that i'm saying he is up to anything, of course.

On that theme, don't forget your own needs here. If he won't face up to things and won't engage you need to look after yourself, being with a careering, out of control BP sufferer could hurt you quite badly. There is a reason why the divorce rate where 1 of the couple have BP is 90%, it's brilliant that you are supporting him, it really is but if he doesn't properly accept things you need to look after yourself quite frankly.

In reference to Grape's point above, remember most people here have MH issues and may be on all sorts of medication and sometimes attention span to very long posts is tricky and even triggering so it's probably a good idea to keep your posts a little shorter and broken up a bit more. You will get lots more responses that way I would guess!

Good luck to you both and 90% of the battle is a proper diagnosis and him completely accepting and buying into it
Davey x
 
Last edited:
Grape

Grape

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I appreciate it is a long post, if you had read it, you would have seen that it is not what I have said at all, in fact I have said the opposite. I think when someone behaves the way he has this year, most people are forming that opinion about him, because many don't realise that there may be underlying causes or reasons for his behaviour
Phew that is good news x
 
krista

krista

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it's difficult dealing with a person who does not want to seek help, but wants to make it on his own. like mentioned above, it's great that you are helping him. but he has to not just admit that he's a mess. he has to Want to do something about it. take it seriously, not just jump on and off pills. and ADs can be dangerous in mania state.

I remember myself 10 years ago and I understand that a normal person wouldn't be able to stay with me. I was a mess. not that I am normal now. but I am better. and it takes time and effort to understand your own self, let alone - others.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am really sorry.
 
B

Beckarichard

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2014
Messages
8
You may be right, I have Bipolar 2 and BPD and I can relate to a lot of this. This constant falling in/out of love with you and suddenly jacking his job in and doing something left field sounds like a manic phase decision. I once went out to buy a new car (that I needed) and ended up buying four! It all sounds very BP to me.

However the one thing he definitely has that most people with BP do not have is a loving, supportive partner. Most of us definitely do not have that because it is really hard for the partner, especially pre diagnosis and they are unaware of the problem. You must remember that I wouldn't draw any conclusions and start self diagnosing, that can lead to further problems if he does have issues.

I would push for a psychiatrist appointment because if he is BP and starts a manic phase anti depressants are the very last things he should be on. If he agrees, go with him to the GP and explain all the weird stuff and try to get a referral, although most of us need to be sectioned before we get that!

The hypersexuality thing is a big red flag here. It's the most common symptom of a manic phase in BP people apparently. It's really not easy to deal with for both partners and in a highly delusive state all sorts of things can happen, my old BP support group meetings were 100 times worse than jeremy kyle! Not that i'm saying he is up to anything, of course.

On that theme, don't forget your own needs here. If he won't face up to things and won't engage you need to look after yourself, being with a careering, out of control BP sufferer could hurt you quite badly. There is a reason why the divorce rate where 1 of the couple have BP is 90%, it's brilliant that you are supporting him, it really is but if he doesn't properly accept things you need to look after yourself quite frankly.

In reference to Grape's point above, remember most people here have MH issues and may be on all sorts of medication and sometimes attention span to very long posts is tricky and even triggering so it's probably a good idea to keep your posts a little shorter and broken up a bit more. You will get lots more responses that way I would guess!

Good luck to you both and 90% of the battle is a proper diagnosis and him completely accepting and buying into it
Davey x
Thank you so much for your advice.

I will try and push for him to go back again and to take me with him this time, it's hard to put up with all of the things he does, but the times when he is good, make it seem worth it. I have no plans to leave him, it's just hard to know how to handle it when I know he is cheating and refuses to come home etc. he announced on Friday that someone he had cheated on me with is pregnant, she has had an abortion this week, but it just seems like one nightmare after another at the moment!

I'm a bit concerned now too about him possible being on the wrong type of medication, especially it is can have detrimental effects in a manic phase. It's funny what you said about Jeremy Kyle, I have said this to him before that I feel like he's turning our life into an episode!

Thanks again, I think I would feel a lot happier persevering if he has a proper diagnosis and is starting to get proper treatment. I don't like questioning whether he is actually just a horrible person, which I do frequently at the moment if I'm honest, but I know deep down it's not really him and that he doesn't really want to keep hurting me or behave the way that he does.

Thank you for your well wishes.
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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Messages
756
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Isle of Wight
it's difficult dealing with a person who does not want to seek help, but wants to make it on his own. like mentioned above, it's great that you are helping him. but he has to not just admit that he's a mess. he has to Want to do something about it. take it seriously, not just jump on and off pills. and ADs can be dangerous in mania state.

I remember myself 10 years ago and I understand that a normal person wouldn't be able to stay with me. I was a mess. not that I am normal now. but I am better. and it takes time and effort to understand your own self, let alone - others.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am really sorry.
Amen, sister.
 
R

redrachel

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Joined
Apr 29, 2013
Messages
98
I have BiPolar and in relationship (of sorts) with someone else with BP. At times like the present when he is not well, yes I do make some allowances... teeth grinding hand banging against wall kind of allowances. HOWEVER there have to be some boundaries and ideally I think these get discussed at the time when the other person is feeling relatively well. EG I personally would not accept affair. OR a joint bank account!!!
You still have to care for yourself. As the old adage goes(I think) if you keep lying down in front of someone, then they are just going to treat you like a doormat and wipe their shitty shoes on you time after time after time. It's an exhausting business being in a relationship with someone with BP. They may seem more exciting and passionate than any other 'run of the mill' kind of person but the downside is these other kinds of behaviours.
Although I've just noticed that your bloke doesn't seem to have a diagnosis. If it were me, I think I'd be insisting on a bit more sharing of info (at a time when he's feeling OK) if the relationship were to continue. It's up to you.
BP ( if indeed he has it and only Psych can say so) is NOT a 'get out of jail free' card.
Surely you need at least one friend who you can tell honestly about the situation you're in. I've just bought a box of chocs for my friend who listens to me (can't tell anyone else the true picture) cos I value her so much. it was a small price to pay!!
good luck! you sound like a lovely caring person....
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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Messages
756
Location
Isle of Wight
Thank you so much for your advice.

I will try and push for him to go back again and to take me with him this time, it's hard to put up with all of the things he does, but the times when he is good, make it seem worth it. I have no plans to leave him, it's just hard to know how to handle it when I know he is cheating and refuses to come home etc. he announced on Friday that someone he had cheated on me with is pregnant, she has had an abortion this week, but it just seems like one nightmare after another at the moment!

I'm a bit concerned now too about him possible being on the wrong type of medication, especially it is can have detrimental effects in a manic phase. It's funny what you said about Jeremy Kyle, I have said this to him before that I feel like he's turning our life into an episode!

Thanks again, I think I would feel a lot happier persevering if he has a proper diagnosis and is starting to get proper treatment. I don't like questioning whether he is actually just a horrible person, which I do frequently at the moment if I'm honest, but I know deep down it's not really him and that he doesn't really want to keep hurting me or behave the way that he does.

Thank you for your well wishes.
Okay, he's not bad hunny, he's ill. However if he refuses to behave like a man and stand up and admit it and seek help then he is bad quite frankly.

Do you really think it's alright to be with someone who is quite happy getting other women pregnant? That means unprotected sex, are you having unprotected sex with him (don't answer, rhetorical question)? What if he gives you something awful?

Personally, from my own experience, I would hope for the best but plan for the worse, if he won't get help do you want to spend you life like this? I would think very carefully about where your line is.

If he is BP and manic he should NOT be on antidepressants.

You are amongst friends here so dive in and we will help as best we can
Davey x
 
B

Beckarichard

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2014
Messages
8
it's difficult dealing with a person who does not want to seek help, but wants to make it on his own. like mentioned above, it's great that you are helping him. but he has to not just admit that he's a mess. he has to Want to do something about it. take it seriously, not just jump on and off pills. and ADs can be dangerous in mania state.

I remember myself 10 years ago and I understand that a normal person wouldn't be able to stay with me. I was a mess. not that I am normal now. but I am better. and it takes time and effort to understand your own self, let alone - others.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am really sorry.
Thank you for your message, i'm really glad that after time you are doing much better, its encouraging to here that things can improve over time with the right medication and help. The more i read on sites like this and try to understand about what he may be suffering with, the more I understand him and his behaviour.

He definitely knows he 'isn't right' as he puts it, and while its a nightmare to be with him a lot of the time, i think he constantly battles with himself over it everyday. He is unhappy because of it, i think he does want to change, i think for him accepting he may have something like BP will be a big step.

I think another factor is that he worries about the effect a diagnosis would have on his job, he is a police officer and he is worried that this will affect his future...i have no idea whether this would create a problem for him or not..i would imagine they cant discriminate, but i don't know?

Thanks again for your advice, it is much appreciated x
 
B

Beckarichard

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2014
Messages
8
I have BiPolar and in relationship (of sorts) with someone else with BP. At times like the present when he is not well, yes I do make some allowances... teeth grinding hand banging against wall kind of allowances. HOWEVER there have to be some boundaries and ideally I think these get discussed at the time when the other person is feeling relatively well. EG I personally would not accept affair. OR a joint bank account!!!
You still have to care for yourself. As the old adage goes(I think) if you keep lying down in front of someone, then they are just going to treat you like a doormat and wipe their shitty shoes on you time after time after time. It's an exhausting business being in a relationship with someone with BP. They may seem more exciting and passionate than any other 'run of the mill' kind of person but the downside is these other kinds of behaviours.
Although I've just noticed that your bloke doesn't seem to have a diagnosis. If it were me, I think I'd be insisting on a bit more sharing of info (at a time when he's feeling OK) if the relationship were to continue. It's up to you.
BP ( if indeed he has it and only Psych can say so) is NOT a 'get out of jail free' card.
Surely you need at least one friend who you can tell honestly about the situation you're in. I've just bought a box of chocs for my friend who listens to me (can't tell anyone else the true picture) cos I value her so much. it was a small price to pay!!
good luck! you sound like a lovely caring person....
Hi, thanks for your message. It is a nightmare and I realise I am being a doormat a lot of the time and I don't want to accept the affairs etc. he lies a lot, but I generally catch him out and we obviously argue etc. when he's in a better phase he will be remorseful and tell me he wants to start a fresh, but then he can change again so quickly.
I have thought about showing him what I posted on here when he's in a better phase, maybe seeing it all written down and other peoples responses might help to make him realise he needs to do something.
We've been together a long time and own a house together etc. and I really do want to make it work, we have had long periods of being really happy and I still hope with the right help and support we could get him back to that together.
I will try talking to a friend, it's just a lot of bad stuff has happened and I don't want anyone to judge him or make me feel like I shouldn't be with him.
Thank you! x
 
B

Beckarichard

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Joined
Nov 19, 2014
Messages
8
Okay, he's not bad hunny, he's ill. However if he refuses to behave like a man and stand up and admit it and seek help then he is bad quite frankly.

Do you really think it's alright to be with someone who is quite happy getting other women pregnant? That means unprotected sex, are you having unprotected sex with him (don't answer, rhetorical question)? What if he gives you something awful?

Personally, from my own experience, I would hope for the best but plan for the worse, if he won't get help do you want to spend you life like this? I would think very carefully about where your line is.

If he is BP and manic he should NOT be on antidepressants.

You are amongst friends here so dive in and we will help as best we can
Davey x
I know there's the lovely person that I fell in love with still in there somewhere! But I do need him to start addressing it properly now.

I don't think it is right to accept being cheated on, but I haven't really known the best way to handle it, when I get upset or angry over something he has done, he changes with me again and then stops coming home etc. because he can't deal with any consequences to his actions. I think there's a fair bit of guilt etc. there too and he doesn't know how to handle his feelings, so he runs.

I agree, there should be a line, I feel like he's probably crossed it, but I think I need to try and see if getting the proper help he needs could make him better again. I feel like to walk away after all this time without him getting a diagnosis or treatment would be a mistake. But getting him to that point is difficult!!

I can't imagine my future without him, so I will keep trying for a bit longer!
 
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