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I inflict harassment on others.

latethirties

latethirties

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
5
Location
seattle
So i've never been part of any forum before but i need to get this off my chest and hopefull talk to someone and get some ideas. I will be seeking counseling again.

I feel like a case. i dont even know where to start, childhood? my dad?. jeeze, i feel stupid.

i'm a harasser, a pathetic harasser that likes it because it makes me feel better about myself. 1 sexual harassment from an employer that got me fired before the pandemic and i've been out of work since. I feel frozen. im supposed to study for school but i feel frozen there too. i got charged with a anti-harassment order today. it started with me feeling like i was ignored by a employee at a resturant by where i live (literally across the street) I would go by and give them dirty looks. it started because I felt invalidated by an employee whom I said hello to and they just looked right through me, not giving me the time of day so i made it my point to harass them and give them dirty looks even flipping them off as i walked by. Just stupid stuff like making my presence know because i know it made the employee uncomfortable. a year or so went by and i was givine service papers to appear in court for harassment (civil not criminal) basically the judge threw it out because there wasn't enough evidence i was doing it. After that i was approached and threatened by the owner, taunted and called names. That just fueled me more to retaliate and make my presence overly know and uncomfortable. walking by, flipping them off, posting negative reviews on google. I have a history of instigating this behavior. so fast foward a year of my childish acts of harassing. 3 weeks ago i was getting out of my car and was approached by the owner and threatened again, we went rounds and i taunted him. He threated violence towards me and actually freaked me out. So here i go calling the cops and going to district court to file stalking charges. went to court next day and got a temporary order agaist him, he was served to show at the hearing 2 weeks later and he did. Boy did he! Him, his entourage of friends and customers who all made statements of my past behavior. basically, my stalking order i requested was dismissed and the judge reopened the case tat was filed aganst me a year ago for the harassment, place a restraining order on me and here I am. Miserable. I know i did this crap to myself. its like i get caught up acting like a schoolyard bully and when im bullied i go and cry and what do you know? BACKFIRE! background on me, ive been together with my wife 11 years on the 25th of nov. 1 bio son 5 years old, 2 step kids not living with us. ( thats a whole other saga) no job, studying to be a personal trainer (trying) getting distracted with everybody else and their wrongdoings to avoid looking at myself. I feel ridiculous writing this. im embarresed of how i act. i dont want to be this way anymore. diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, PTSD and i take a cocktail of medications. maybe this is best suited for a professional, im sure. I don't like who ive become.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,972
Location
US
Hey, @latethirties, welcome to the forum. A fellow Seattleite. I'm also BPT, anxiety, PTSD, as are a lot of others on here. Hope it will help you be a bit easier on yourself to know we all mess up, that our emotions can get really intense and we do stuff we later regret and pay consequences for.

I do feel like with age it becomes easier living with the intensity of BPD, evidence has shown this and for me I think it's true. Until then, are you seeing someone who practices DBT or are you familiar with it? It can be helpful in bringing down the intensity of emotions, offers a lot of practical and easy quick fixes that often help.

Really hope you find it helpful on here. It's a supportive group. xx
 
latethirties

latethirties

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
5
Location
seattle
HI 2much2feel, I am not familar with it, but ill google. thanks for replying and your kind words
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,972
Location
US
HI 2much2feel, I am not familar with it, but ill google. thanks for replying and your kind words
yeah, they also have YouTube videos on it and if you're interested, Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training workbook on amazon is helpful. xx
 
latethirties

latethirties

Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
5
Location
seattle
yeah, they also have YouTube videos on it and if you're interested, Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training workbook on amazon is helpful. xx
Brand new day! Man yesterday keeps running through my head, within 5 seconds of me waking up it haunts me. I’ll research this afternoon. Thank you
 
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