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i hurt and i hurt and i hurt

D

doyouhavethetime

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
15
Location
everywhere and nowhere
i really want to die right now.
at this moment in time, i want my existence to cease.

that’s it.
that’s all i can say.
because nothing besides death can capture my complete and utter incompetence at living. my full and absolute loss of caring.
i don’t see a purpose in it all anymore.

and everyone will ask me,
“what about god?”

i know about god.
i know he’s there.
i know he can see me.
i simply have the deep and inarticulate desire to see him right now.
to ask him
“what about me?”

“what about me, though?”
i often ask myself as well.
what is it about myself that causes my constant pain.
my relentless disembodiment with the courage to persist in life.
my tendency to look up at the sky and fall
and fall
and fall.

and i’ll always fall farther than before.
i’ll always push the boundaries.
and as i catch myself and crawl back to surface level each and every time,
i will wonder about those boundaries.
where are they?
when will i reach them?
what will happen when i fall so far that i could not possibly fall any further?
what will i hit?

will it be over then?
how close am i right now?
how close am i to the end?

can this be cured?
will i ever be okay?

that word always makes me cry.
“okay”
it’s so foreign to me.
even when i do feel okay, i can’t help but doubt it.
am i really okay when i’m okay?

i don’t know.
i don’t seem to know a lot of things lately.
and there truly is nothing i can do about it.
there never will be.
 
D

doyouhavethetime

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
15
Location
everywhere and nowhere
i'm sorry if this is so vague, but i didn't know what else to say.
i'm trying to find ways to explain how i'm feeling, but clearly i'm not doing so well.
i just wanted to talk to people who feel/have felt the same way i guess.
 
Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 12, 2020
Messages
1,456
Location
United States
It like its empty but full at the same time. Full of things I dont want to feel and empty because I have nothing left to give. I cant hold up the wall that keep it under control anymore. Im empty.
 

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