• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I hope you can offer some advice. I'd be very grateful.

J

jonny2015

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2015
Messages
3
Hello.
My name is Richard. My Father suffered from what was then known as manic depression and attempted suicide when I was six. He wasn’t the best Father and used to beat my Mother and myself though my Mother far more. He wasn’t a well man despite being successful prior to the attempted suicide that left him brain damaged and after that, I haven’t seen him.

I thought I’d provide that as a back drop and all the way through life I’ve struggled to hold down jobs and struggled with an increasing desire to drink and smoke marijuana to feel happier. I think that’s why I do it anyway, though I’ve always thought maybe I’ve just an addictive personality, though I’ve never really taken to any other drugs.

Over the last few years in a good job I noticed I was procrastinating, not just on work issues but life in general. Having said that I’ve also had periods where I’ve been much better. In fact there was a period a year or so ago when I was exercising religiously and not drinking or smoking anything during the week. This soon came to an end.

Last month I was made redundant and things have got much worse. I don’t want another job, in fact I’m terrified of interviews and the thought of having to join a new place and start again. I’ve been getting extremely short tempered and move from happy to angry at the silliest of things. My fuse is so short now I’m getting worried if someone on the street was to be rude to me I may well lose it and though not suicidal, nor do I feel I even contain the guts to do such a thing, I often feel like there’s nothing left for me here.

The odd thing is, it occurred to me since I’ve been redundant and unable to afford any marijuana that maybe I’ve been self medicating without knowing it. Now a few beers starts off well then I get down and often angry. If I smoke a joint I’m incapable of anger and all the thoughts and stresses vanish.

I’m scared to go to a DR as I’m terrified of becoming like my Dad or having that confirmed and I’m terrified of all the man made drugs depressed people are given.
I’m ok now though a bit stressed over a minor thing earlier and so this is the first time I’ve seeked help. Perhaps I need to just talk to someone, perhaps I need more. If anyone can relate to this or offer some advice, I’d be most grateful.

I thank you in advance and wish you well,
Sincerely,
Richard.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

To me, it sounds like you have some unresolved anger issues stemming from what happened when you were a child, that are exacerbated in times of stress, e.g., you being made redundant. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you are currently going through. You can make things better though. I think going to the GP would help you immensely.

I know you're scared because you don't want to end up like your dad, though. Think about it this way: if you get help for your anger issues before it becomes such a problem that you hurt the people around you, then you're not like you're dad at all; you're actually 100% stronger. Do you know what I mean? If you take the step to make your life better, then you're instantly more courteous to yourself and to others than (unfortunately) your dad could have been while you were growing up.

You might've learned to 'demonise' mental illness from what you've been through, and seen your mother go through, with your dad; but it only gets that bad if people don't deal with their problems, so I hope you can see the benefit of dealing with yours.

I wish you all the best; you deserve it after everything you've gone through.
 
J

jonny2015

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2015
Messages
3
Thank you Jruth.

I'm 39 now and when I was younger I was pretty aggressive and did get in a few fights. I don't feel for a moment I'd hurt those close to me but I live in a bit of a rough area and those around here tend to try and stare you out and start trouble. That's what I mean, I keep myself to myself but as this goes on I worry if I do react, I'm worried what I may do, not to close people but idiots that tend to live here.

I really appreciate your kind words, I've been very scared I'm losing the plot but people tell me being made redundant is stressful but after things, in my head I feel like it's small in comparison to other events in life.

You made a lot of sense though and I can see how these issues may surface during times like this and maybe that's why my fuse is so short now. I've meditated for 5 years now but since I lost my job I can't do it for more than 30 seconds without going off into various thoughts and so, not meditating at all.

I think I will see my Doctor. He's a nice fellow, thanks for pushing me that way. I'm sure I'll get through this, I'm not one to give up and I'm extremely grateful you've taken the time to reply, that alone has been a great help.

Thank you.
 
J

jonny2015

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2015
Messages
3
Hello Nikita,

Thank you too.

I don't think drink helps. It's a depressive and though I enjoy a beer, too much doesn't help at all. Marijuana does though. In fact I'm the calmest person out when I have a bit, no constant thought or anger over minor things, in fact I laugh at minor things. I don't sit there like a zombie either, I doubt anyone would tell the difference except for the fact I'm calmer.

I also tend to sleep for about 3 hours then I can't sleep after for thoughts of jobs, debts and other issues in life, if I have some marijuana, I'll sleep all night.

I think my concern there is all the news about how those with mental issues are made worse by doing it so on the one hand I'm worried about what a DR prescribes and worried about my albeit, unconscious, self medicating.

I think someone to talk to and get things off my chest is a good idea. Just talking here is major help and I feel a lot better.

Thank you. I'm quite amazed on the binternets at what a caring bunch of people are here.

Thank you, I'm going out for a while so if I don't respond to other comments straight away, I will as soon as I get back to a computer.

Many thanks again.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Thank you Jruth.

I'm 39 now and when I was younger I was pretty aggressive and did get in a few fights. I don't feel for a moment I'd hurt those close to me but I live in a bit of a rough area and those around here tend to try and stare you out and start trouble. That's what I mean, I keep myself to myself but as this goes on I worry if I do react, I'm worried what I may do, not to close people but idiots that tend to live here.

I really appreciate your kind words, I've been very scared I'm losing the plot but people tell me being made redundant is stressful but after things, in my head I feel like it's small in comparison to other events in life.

You made a lot of sense though and I can see how these issues may surface during times like this and maybe that's why my fuse is so short now. I've meditated for 5 years now but since I lost my job I can't do it for more than 30 seconds without going off into various thoughts and so, not meditating at all.

I think I will see my Doctor. He's a nice fellow, thanks for pushing me that way. I'm sure I'll get through this, I'm not one to give up and I'm extremely grateful you've taken the time to reply, that alone has been a great help.

Thank you.
Oh absolutely, I know what it's like to live in an area full of twats - it's infuriating!!! Haha. I know what you mean about not seeing things as being as stressful as they really are, because you've been through worse? The effect of being made redundant can't be underestimated, though; it is a highly stressful situation as it's a total change to your life. So glad you're going to see your GP; he'll be really understanding, and hopefully you'll be able to meditate again soon in no time.

:)
 
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