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I hope I die soon

boudreauj4

boudreauj4

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 6, 2017
Messages
812
I don't have a solution to your problem but I can tell you my story. Maybe because of a difficult childhood, I always wanted to die. I remember as a child saying over and over again," I wish I was never born, I wish I was never born." But I was afraid to kill myself. I was brought up Catholic that at the time taught me that you will go to hell if you kill yourself. Since I figured hell would be much worse than earth, then killing myself would be a bad idea. Eventually I stopped believing in God, but I was still afraid to kill myself so I never did it. I went through life, getting by, still wishing I was dead. I grew up. Even when things were going well I would often stop in the middle of it and think, this is nice but would I still rather be dead? And I would always answer to my self, yes, I would rather be dead. I eventually started believing things in life that I later looked up and discovered were existencial and moral nihalism. It's funny that I thought of these ideas on my own first, then discovered they were ideas that already existed and even had a name for them.

I developed schizophrenia eventually, and throughout my life I teased myself with the idea of suicide, but never seriously tried it because I was still afraid to kill myself. I was hospitalized a few times for this. Finally, my brother killed himself, and it hurt my family so much that I decided i could never put my family through it again, so then I finally decided I would never kill myself. But I secretly still wished I would die every day of natural causes or an accident. I don't think I was depressed. I just thought that death would be much preferable to life.

Then one year a delusion from the schizophrenia grew in me until I had a breaking point and was almost hospitsalized. I thought the government was surveilling me, and had people and cameras watching me. It got so bad that I soon thought the government wanted to assasinate me. I was full of fear everywhere I went and everything i did, watching over my shoulder for signs for my imminent death. I was so full of fear that I would be murdered, that I discovered that I really didn't want to die. I wanted to live. Somehow the fear of being put to death made me realize that it was something that I didn't want.
So I was almost hospitalized, but my psychiatrist decided not to, and changed my medication, and over the next few months this delusion mostly went away. Now it has been two years since then and I must admit I live a much happier life now knowing that I don't really want to die any more. Well, actually I think I live in a more of a balance now. At times I still feel like I want to die, but usually I think I want to live more than I want to die. I feel lucky that my delusion sort of cured me of my desire for death. It took a hugely powerful fear of being killed to make me realize it was something that I didn't want.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 6, 2017
Messages
812
I still struggle every day with the negative symptoms and some positive symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't really find pleasure in much of anything and I find life pretty meaningless because of this. But somehow now, because of my delusional experience I posted above, I somehow just know in my heart and mind that I would rather live than die now.
 
T

tomghanini2

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 13, 2015
Messages
1,596
Location
England
I still struggle every day with the negative symptoms and some positive symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't really find pleasure in much of anything and I find life pretty meaningless because of this. But somehow now, because of my delusional experience I posted above, I somehow just know in my heart and mind that I would rather live than die now.
Maybe we need a "list of lifes little pleasures" in the chill out zone, so anyone who feels this way, could go down the list and maybe find something they'd not thought of trying before.

GOOD to hear you'd "rather live than die now" though. :flowers:
 
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R

Reggi

New member
Joined
Nov 13, 2017
Messages
1
I am not interested in living any longer. I simply do not want to continue. I have had a decent life. Had some fun. Met some cool people am satisfied with my experiences. Am late Forties and am just starting to feel the onset of getting old. NOT INTERESTED. I am hoping for a heart attack or maybe the randomness of getting hit by a drunk or something. Don't be sad because I'm not. 🙂
 
EddieH

EddieH

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 29, 2017
Messages
1,299
Location
Melbourne, Australia
I really feel much the same, just pure apathy to life. I've had all the suicidal thoughts probably most of us have at times, a few attempts. Had a routine test on my heart the other day and it was not good. Doctor tells me expect no more than the age of 60, I'm 46 now. Still feel the apathy but it sort of put me back in my box, life on this world is pretty short and maybe it's worth battling on even if it does suck pretty bad.
 
D

depressesd

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2019
Messages
2
Location
CALIFORNIA
I have nothing going for me...I'm alone, my family lives 400 miles away, have no friends other than those on FB, nobody ever comes to visit me (except my parents semi-annual visit) or call me, nobody special in my life, have a job that is boring AF & I hate, have had depression & anxiety for the past 20 plus years. So sick of waking up every morning to the same ole sh!t. Tired of living...wish I could just die & be done with this disappointing, boring life of mine.
 
W

Wounded

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2019
Messages
10
Location
belgrade
try to find someone who can talk with you. its extremly hard, but if you find. your life will become 25% more easy.
 
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