I hope I die soon

I

idk73

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#1
I'm tired of waking up, I'm not depressed, it's something else. It's like this certainty, a clarity

I'm tired of the episodes of people reading my thoughts, I'm tired of the disassociation, I'm tired of the lack of desire and passion, I'm tired of the on and off brain fog, I'm tired of interacting with people, I'm tired of living altogether. I have nothing, and I don't want anything anymore, not even my own life or any life at all.

Life is beautiful, I've just been alive way too long.


I've lost interest in everything and nothing is "worth it" anymore.


Sure I still have those faint biological pulses of wanting to find a woman, to create something positive, etc- though all of those impulses pale in comparison to wanting to die. All the episodes and back and forth with this disease, spiritual condition or whatever it it, I'm done with it.


I don't want some polarized pity speech or piece of advice that I already know, I want to die.
 
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Mayflower7

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#2
Hi Idk73,
I'm sorry your feeling this way, please get some help from your mental health care team. Tell your CPN how very low your feeling etc.
Take care
 
Mark Dixon

Mark Dixon

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#3
I know how you feel but if life is beautiful for you and if you are not depressed, it would be a waste to kill yourself. It sounds like you might actually be fatigued and I'd suggest you try to get help for that.
 
I

idk73

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#4
Hi Idk73,
I'm sorry your feeling this way, please get some help from your mental health care team. Tell your CPN how very low your feeling etc.
Take care
I don't have a CPN nor do I know what one of those is, I can assume and by assumption tell you that I don't care to have one.

There's no reason for you to feel sorry about anything happening to me.
 
I

idk73

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#5
I know how you feel but if life is beautiful for you and if you are not depressed, it would be a waste to kill yourself. It sounds like you might actually be fatigued and I'd suggest you try to get help for that.
It wouldn't be a waste. I'm willing to volunteer as fertilizer or mulch or compost or something.

I'm not fatigued. I have plenty of energy, energy that I no longer know what to do with, energy that no longer has a meaning or purpose.

thank you
 
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Mark Dixon

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#6
It wouldn't be a waste. I'm willing to volunteer as fertilizer or mulch or compost or something.

I'm not fatigued. I have plenty of energy, energy that I no longer know what to do with, energy that no longer has a meaning or purpose.

thank you
You are welcome, but it would be waste because there are people who actually do not find life beautiful at all and are depressed, who'd kill for some of that jazz, man. If life is still beautiful to you you really shouldn't waste that gift. You should enjoy its beauty and try to share it with people who might not be able to see it themselves.

Also ALL LIFE HAS VALUE.

And, OK, maybe you are not fatigued. You sound like you have a bit of an existential crisis there. Perhaps you need something new to focus on, to give life meaning?
 
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P

pansdisease

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#7
I hope i die soon to. I'm trying to find a not so tortorous way to do it but i don't have one yet. There should probably be assisted suicide available if people are going to pump more folks into this earthen paradigm.

GOT BASS CHOPS !? - YouTube
 
J

Jonathan_P

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#8
Please Don't Give Up

For what it's worth, I've had moments in my Life where I wanted to die too. At the time I didn't see my Life or illness getting any better.

However if I would of taken my own Life, not only would it has devestated my Family, it would also mean that I would miss out on everything that's wondetful and amazing in Life. And I'm so glad that I didn't decide to end it.

Sometimes the strom can be long however ultimately it does past.

Peace. : )
Jonathan
 
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Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

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#9
For what it's worth, I've had moments in my Life where I wanted to die too. At the time I didn't see my Life or illness getting any better.

However if I would of taken my own Life, not only would it has devestated my Family, it would also mean that I would miss out on everything that's wondetful and amazing in Life. And I'm so glad that I didn't decide to end it.

Sometimes the strom can be long however ultimately it does past.

Peace. : )
Jonathan
I'm with you, Jonathan :)

Life with it's many uncertainties and hazards - and fun and tranquillity too - is to be experienced, embraced and, indeed, enjoyed :)
 
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Jonathan_P

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#10
Life with it's many uncertainties and hazards - and fun and tranquillity too - is to be experienced, embraced and, indeed, enjoyed :)
Exactly. : ) Thanks Ardua.

Something I forgot to mention is that I remember reading a News Article about a place that several people used to commit suicide. Although it looked temping, it wasn't enough for them to die - they just experienced injuries. And almost all of them, afterwards, said that the moment they attempted they regetred it.

As Ardua said: Life is to be experienced. And, although a lot of it is "bad", a great percentage of it is good too. And that's what makes it all worthwhile. (IMO.)

Peace : )
Jonathan
 
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R

Rodrigo

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#11
Same here

i feel the same way man. I dont feel very emotional about it,its just a tiredness i feel when i think about living. Life gradually since i was a teenager became less appealing, it became more of a duty to myself, my family and society. i engaged in philosophical thoughts and reasoning and came to the conclusion that life is not worth living if you mathematically compare the merits of death in contrast to that of living. Every pleasure in life is merely a brief escape from the enormous pain that accompanies the human condition. These days i dread waking up in the morning because i feel like today is yesterday and tomorrow is today. I struggle for meaning in life and have searched for it in religion,family, love and self improvements through education, but all i found was endless madness, a chase of unending quests to fulfil biological needs.i questioned why we even have to go through this life. . A girlfriend wont solve it,maybe for a while you would be filled with positive feelings but in time the darkness creeps in and you cannot deny its prevalence. I urge you to engage in more deeper thoughts about your life without prejudice and emotional influences, read different thought provoking ideas from people who experienced the pain you're going through,it would help you understand more.

. I hope you find peace.
 
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P

pansdisease

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#12
You feel this because you are without something that you need.

Probably having to do with your third eye not getting it's nutrients as usual with most people.

If we do not lack as a living thing we would not feel or think these things.

But most of us are born not even knowing what it is we need as people, like the whales being born as sea world don't know they are getting sick because they live in a stupid fucking tank when they and their souls need the things of the oceans.

when we are fed in our physical and our chakras get plenty of nutrition we never feel these ways or think these things. We're just fine at that point.
 
I

idk73

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#13
i feel the same way man. I dont feel very emotional about it,its just a tiredness i feel when i think about living. Life gradually since i was a teenager became less appealing, it became more of a duty to myself, my family and society. i engaged in philosophical thoughts and reasoning and came to the conclusion that life is not worth living if you mathematically compare the merits of death in contrast to that of living. Every pleasure in life is merely a brief escape from the enormous pain that accompanies the human condition. These days i dread waking up in the morning because i feel like today is yesterday and tomorrow is today. I struggle for meaning in life and have searched for it in religion,family, love and self improvements through education, but all i found was endless madness, a chase of unending quests to fulfil biological needs.i questioned why we even have to go through this life. . A girlfriend wont solve it,maybe for a while you would be filled with positive feelings but in time the darkness creeps in and you cannot deny its prevalence. I urge you to engage in more deeper thoughts about your life without prejudice and emotional influences, read different thought provoking ideas from people who experienced the pain you're going through,it would help you understand more.

. I hope you find peace.
im starting to think that finding everything meaningless and illusory is the logical end to that kind of thinking, if its genuine.
 
I

idk73

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#14
You feel this because you are without something that you need.

Probably having to do with your third eye not getting it's nutrients as usual with most people.

If we do not lack as a living thing we would not feel or think these things.

But most of us are born not even knowing what it is we need as people, like the whales being born as sea world don't know they are getting sick because they live in a stupid fucking tank when they and their souls need the things of the oceans.

when we are fed in our physical and our chakras get plenty of nutrition we never feel these ways or think these things. We're just fine at that point.
obviously. though i wouldnt know the specifics because i lack just about everything that constitutes as "life" or "living" in this world.

i dont care to explore existential or spiritual "tangents" anymore. its pointless.

i hope i die soon.

i hope you hope that i die soon too.
 
M

mGzel

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#15
I feel like this almost all the time. There have been months where I didn't, then weeks, now I'm lucky to have a day when I don't feel this way.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

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#16
I don't have a solution to your problem but I can tell you my story. Maybe because of a difficult childhood, I always wanted to die. I remember as a child saying over and over again," I wish I was never born, I wish I was never born." But I was afraid to kill myself. I was brought up Catholic that at the time taught me that you will go to hell if you kill yourself. Since I figured hell would be much worse than earth, then killing myself would be a bad idea. Eventually I stopped believing in God, but I was still afraid to kill myself so I never did it. I went through life, getting by, still wishing I was dead. I grew up. Even when things were going well I would often stop in the middle of it and think, this is nice but would I still rather be dead? And I would always answer to my self, yes, I would rather be dead. I eventually started believing things in life that I later looked up and discovered were existencial and moral nihalism. It's funny that I thought of these ideas on my own first, then discovered they were ideas that already existed and even had a name for them.

I developed schizophrenia eventually, and throughout my life I teased myself with the idea of suicide, but never seriously tried it because I was still afraid to kill myself. I was hospitalized a few times for this. Finally, my brother killed himself, and it hurt my family so much that I decided i could never put my family through it again, so then I finally decided I would never kill myself. But I secretly still wished I would die every day of natural causes or an accident. I don't think I was depressed. I just thought that death would be much preferable to life.

Then one year a delusion from the schizophrenia grew in me until I had a breaking point and was almost hospitsalized. I thought the government was surveilling me, and had people and cameras watching me. It got so bad that I soon thought the government wanted to assasinate me. I was full of fear everywhere I went and everything i did, watching over my shoulder for signs for my imminent death. I was so full of fear that I would be murdered, that I discovered that I really didn't want to die. I wanted to live. Somehow the fear of being put to death made me realize that it was something that I didn't want.
So I was almost hospitalized, but my psychiatrist decided not to, and changed my medication, and over the next few months this delusion mostly went away. Now it has been two years since then and I must admit I live a much happier life now knowing that I don't really want to die any more. Well, actually I think I live in a more of a balance now. At times I still feel like I want to die, but usually I think I want to live more than I want to die. I feel lucky that my delusion sort of cured me of my desire for death. It took a hugely powerful fear of being killed to make me realize it was something that I didn't want.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

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#17
I still struggle every day with the negative symptoms and some positive symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't really find pleasure in much of anything and I find life pretty meaningless because of this. But somehow now, because of my delusional experience I posted above, I somehow just know in my heart and mind that I would rather live than die now.
 
T

tomghanini2

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#18
I still struggle every day with the negative symptoms and some positive symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't really find pleasure in much of anything and I find life pretty meaningless because of this. But somehow now, because of my delusional experience I posted above, I somehow just know in my heart and mind that I would rather live than die now.
Maybe we need a "list of lifes little pleasures" in the chill out zone, so anyone who feels this way, could go down the list and maybe find something they'd not thought of trying before.

GOOD to hear you'd "rather live than die now" though. :flowers:
 
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Reggi

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#19
I am not interested in living any longer. I simply do not want to continue. I have had a decent life. Had some fun. Met some cool people am satisfied with my experiences. Am late Forties and am just starting to feel the onset of getting old. NOT INTERESTED. I am hoping for a heart attack or maybe the randomness of getting hit by a drunk or something. Don't be sad because I'm not. 🙂
 

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