• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I honestly have no idea what I'm talking about.

U

Unsustainable_High

Guest
I'm 23, from about the Chicago area and frankly, I feel fine but I also feel like I'm lying when I tell you that.

Life was perfect. Life is perfect. I met the absolute love of my life. I have the most perfect child on the face of the planet and nothing could possibly have gone wrong if these disabling panic attacks hadn't come back.

My boyfriend calls me "mentally ill." I'm on three different medications to manage this. I know that Xanax is my "rescue drug" but I have no idea what the other two are. I tend not to take things when I know what they are. There's too much on the internet about side effects that I can psychosomatically develop.

I can't work. I can't be in class. I need to be constantly aware of possible "triggers." My labels include PTSD, OCD and Major Depression.

I find that OCD is something of a gift when used properly. My Roger's condo is perfectly clean. I have inhumanly good physical health. My five year-old never gets sick. I'm not quite sure what you would call my "obsessions." Things feel slimy or sticky to me when others claim they're not. I need to clean them. If I'm out in public for extended periods of time, I feel disgusting and need to shower. Even my car is a germ-free, smooth and sanitary haven.

I think I'd call my fixation on death a part of it. I learned everything I can about nutrition and I always know a rough estimate of what nutrients I'm feeding my child and Roger, who didn't know the meaning of the term "healthy" before he met me. He is a perfect person and thus, needs to live forever and the healthier we are, the longer we will live.

Major Depression seems like a joke. I never feel it.

PTSD is a living hell. The Panic attacks and the flashbacks are insufferable. At times, the nightmares are worse. That was the diagnosis that destroyed me. I have everything I've ever wanted. My life should be perfect. It is perfect. I'm not. I'm a high-maintenance, draining and generally difficult person to live with. My five year-old requires less supervision than I do.

My boyfriend, the love of my life, claims that I'm not too much trouble but I can tell that he's nearing the end of his abilities. He's put too much into this already and he's realizing that no one ever gets anywhere with me. I am certifiably both insane and impossible.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Messages
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Hi

Welcome to the forum.........

A lot here have simalar lives, have a look around........

I have a journal , it like a blog many here do, it helps us keep track and look back how far we have come when we dont see it, or you can just vent there, or join in a descussion any where you feel you have somthing to add.......

......... Chillout Cafe, is the silly area.........:p

... have fun ......... boB ...........(y)
 
G

grace68

Well-known member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
599
Location
yorkshire
:welcome:

i'm sure you'll find many people here who can relate to what you're saying.
i have very different struggles from you, but, like you i have lovely children, and a comfortable life, so there is no obvious reason for my mental health problems. but i've learnt not to fret about why i struggle, in the same way that it's futile for cancer patients to wonder about how or why they got ill.

you have made a good step in coming on this forum. the way forward is in gaining understanding of your condition, and yourself, and in developing coping strategies. iffybob is right, a journal is a great part of of this. i got really ill back in april, and started a journal then. i've had 6 months off and during that time, this forum was greatly helpful. now i'm back at work, and much better, but had to make adjustments- reduced hours, and lots more rest than previously- that's my coping strategies.

take care, and hope to see you again on here! :grouphug: grace x
 
U

Unsustainable_High

Guest
My biggest challenge is deciding in which category I should place these potential threads. That isn't an easy task, seeing as I'm across the board on every front. I wake up with my thumb in my arm every so often. I find great solace in using curling irons. I don't even think my OCD remotely fits into the usual OCD category but seeing as I tend not to hang around with OCD nuts, I don't particularly know.

My best friend has serious Dissociative Identity issues. My favorite ex girlfriend has serious issues in general, including a phobia of Centipedes and they live in a house with a dirt crawlspace but aside from that, not so much. My baby brother is a complete nutcase. He cuts himself for fun. I've never even done that. In fact, "Father" is a Schizophrenic nutjob and they wonder how I turned out crazy. We all are.

Then, where do I go about posting things like that, or perhaps the fact that my child is being traumatized with situations like: "Daddy, did you know that your skin is melting?"

No, thank you, dear. Skin does that, sometimes? What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Sometimes it just feels good to melt yourself a bit. No, that wouldn't work. Boiling water kills germs. Let's not give the kid any ideas. I really, really love you and I want you to stop idolizing me because I am a complete whack job and you deserve better. That would be perfect, except for the fact that five year-olds can't process abstract thoughts. Now, where does that leave me?

I suppose the last paragraph was God's idea of humor. That is charming. Roger apologizes that he doesn't find that funny. I don't think that's a big problem, here. I think the biggest, most pressing issue is the fact that I find these actual acts to be fun. I get a thrill from watching my own flesh melt away or falling off of a bridge, in front of a semi or even waking up with my thumb in my arm. Allegedly, that means needs I need to file my nails but I'd sooner file them if they weren't able to do that. They're my last and most effective line of defense when I'm jumped, which hasn't actually happened in a few months but its coming. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut and most real assholes don't appreciate that. That leads me to another question, entirely. Why do I injure myself when I could just walk into any bar on the face of the planet and get killed by the masses that I've pissed off over the last five years or so?

Of course, "Daddy was severely mentally ill and impaled himself in the pavement" sounds a lot better than "Daddy got into a fight with a gang of assholes."

That's why.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Messages
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Location
England
Ummm

Well a lot of people here do stupid stuff, we are known for it, we have it cataloged and filed........ and the scars under line it.......

..... thats life.......

what a lot of us are aiming for is to not keep doing the stupid stuff, and learn better ways of expressing our anger, frustations or any other thing that makes us do it....

....... and from experience watching your flesh melt under the lump of burning plastic leaves a hole that takes weeks to heal.........

..... boB .........:p
 
U

Unsustainable_High

Guest
I don't entirely understand why its a bad thing. Its my chest, my entire back and my arm so what business of anyone else's is it that I want to "melt" it?

Then I see that it traumatizes my kid and I want to do something even more extreme to remind myself not to do that again, which defeats the purpose, entirely. I've always wanted kids. I never realized how much they over-complicate self-destruction.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
England
Natural

Children have a natural and corect view that to be hurt or to hurt others is a bad thing, and seeing some one hurt themselves is both upseting and incomperhecable to them.

That it is your child you do these things in front of is not a good thing, and if you insist on doing them, not in front or in the awareness of a child is a rule you are going to have to make and stick to fro yourself. It is traumatising and TOTALY unfaire to that child, esp your own child..... and if you can not 'understand' that you are going to have to learn 'just not to do it'.

You have to live with your pain, what you are doing is passing it on, to a child who has no way of comprehending why you do what you do.

There is a thing called generational abuse, where the abused , abuses there child the way they were abused, there is also another form where the person abuses there child in a different way than they were abused, it is still abuse, your child witnessing you self abusing is abuse of that child, it will find it extremly distressing. I take it that that child cries when it sees you doing what you do...... why should/would you cause a child to cry.......?
 
U

Unsustainable_High

Guest
This is seriously becoming extremely triggering.

I don't notice that I'm doing it. I don't make that connection. I am "emotionally retarded" as coined by my dear baby brother. Hurting Lucian is the last thing I would ever want to do but it seems it is what I am wired into. He really would be better off without me but he holds onto an attachment to me for reasons that I've yet to even begin to fathom. The only thing keeping me alive is that his mother is even crazier than I am and she would destroy him in a day.

I, on the other hand, will wear him down over years of this "abuse." I keep reminding myself that death would be a very selfish alternative right now. Sometimes, I just can't help it, anyway. Sometimes, I seriously look out the window of the condo and imagine what it would feel like to fall.

Then, I have this little voice in the back of my head that says: "You've survived everything so far. That wouldn't kill you, either." Those thoughts terrify me.

I never deserved a kid. I knew that. Just one night of stupidity and I had one. I hate myself for that. He is just too perfect for me. He is too sweet, too innocent and too good. I'm not meant to have that.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Messages
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Fine

Ok, your life HAS been a bag of crap, but you do have a child, and as you have said that child only has you.

So use it, make a better life for both of you.......! ( all three including other half)

If you end yourself , no resoning is EVER going to console your child.

But you can change things, it is choices, as you said you have survived it all, and are still alive, you DO have a purpose to help your child have a better life than you by being there and recognising the dangers, by knowing what NOT to do to a child, by loving understanding an just being there for comfort when the world upsets him.

You love your child, as you should, so you are not that retarded of emotion........ somthing still remains, and all a child realy wants is t be loved ....
 
U

Unsustainable_High

Guest
I do love him. I do everything I possibly can for him. Alas, I slip up. I am unspeakably far from perfect. I hold together for him, wherever I can. Sometimes, like when there's a falling pot of boiling water and I don't have that natural survival instinct to move out of the way, there isn't much of a way to avoid it.

I spend every possible moment with him. I love him. He knows that. He is the reason I'm alive.

I've put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. The damn thing jammed. He is the one part of my life that prevents me from doing that, again. That took a lot to adapt to.
 
iffybob

iffybob

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'Accidents' happen

If I had a gun I would do the same......... but I do not have a child.

I understand about the boiling water and stuff, I am 40 I have been living with this for over 20 years, at some point you just have to make the effort.

You cannot avoid accidents, but nobody is asking that of you, what is being asked is to avoid intentionaly doing yourself harm.

I can take pain, I dont even flinch, even when the others around me feel sick at the sight, I dont get what they feel, but I know that they feel it, I have had others say 'I wish I could do that', I understand how I got here, I tell them sternly 'No you dont', because nobody should go through that, to suffer to the extent that sensation is mutable, and can be ignored, and the thoughts and feeling and memories of hell that go with it, and the nightmares.

The thing is to try ..... that is all, and practice.

This takes a lot of effort, I do it, every day, so that I dont spend half my life at hospital emergency, or nursing a sore whatever for a week. and so that I can look after myself.

I tend to error on the side of caution, that is the right side to error on.

I have rules for myself, mental list of things that are unaceptable or dangerouse to do , both for me 'and' the well being of those around me I care for.
 
U

Unsustainable_High

Guest
You keep hitting the same wall. There is no thought. There is no reasoning. It is "just do" that gets me in trouble.

Are you the only person on this entire forum who actually actively uses it? This is very strange. I see plenty of other people on other threads but you're the only one who dares a conversation with me. Am I that intimidating or just that confusing?
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
England
Few

I am 40, I have PTSD and Depression and Server personality disorder.

and I survived this long, and have not been locked away.....

I have a journal on here

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=7026

the new link for the napac is here.

http://www.napac.org.uk/survivors/finding-your-voice/survivors-voices/survivors_stories/anon6.asp

My IQ is over 150, I recognised what somthings about you, and that you needed help I could give you, I live with what I am, what I can do and 'choose' not to, and that somtimes I dont get it right.

I know the "I was not there to stop me.", I found ways / tricks, to get me by, and try not to cause the distress I was given to others.

and that there may be some I can help............ I hope....... so that they dont have to learn the hard and lonely way I did.
 
G

grace68

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May 12, 2009
Messages
599
Location
yorkshire
no, i am here too! i posted on this thread earlier :flowers:

sometimes if a good conversation strikes up between 2 people on a thread, others will just 'listen in'. the more you use this forum, the more people you'll find!

like i said before, a journal is a good idea, there you are just really talking to yourself- but occasionally others will leave supportive comments. my journal is 'grace's journal' (i was extremely ill at the time i started it, couldn't think of an imaginative title) :)
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
No I don't think you are imtimidating, and I am sorry no one else has replied yet.

What is it you get from the pain you cause yourself? What does it give you?
What does 'slimy and sticky' make you think about that you suddenly want to get rid of it?
Why do you want to get 'clean'?

Look there is no need to answer me or on here, but I wonder if those reasons and thoughts associated with your compulsions are what need to be looked at.

PTSD is not an easy condition to cope and live with. I had it myself for a long time, for me it was horribly distressing and unpredicatable. But the symptoms are much lessened now. Most times I can stop myself at a fleeting thought, it is no more, and has little effect on me. It is possible I believe to recover from it.

I wonder if the want to kill yourself is you trying to assert some control on your destiny or future. As you said you would rather you killed yourself rather than others kill you who you might have pissed off.

But there might be other options available. A life where you feel more in control?

You said you never deserved your kid? Why do you say that?

I think it might be an idea not to overwhelm yourself with guilt about things in times like this. I think from the sounds of it you want to change, and that is what I would concentrate on.

Have you had any form of therapy? Are you getting any support?
 

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