• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

I honestly don't know whats going on in my head Trigger warning

K

Kieran21

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2018
Messages
1
Hi, I'm Kieran and I've constantly battled my own brain. I don't really know where to start with this.

So I'm only 21 and doing reasonably well for myself with my own flat and a good paying job but my constant daily battle has been going on a lot longer since moving out which I had push myself to do at the age of 20 due to a complications at home with my mum being bipolar. Over time I've seen that it wasn't that bad at home but my brain thought it was 10x worse than it was.

So getting more onto why I am here and writing this which I don't want to but I'm taking this as my first step to finally accept I might actually have a problem as I'm to proud to go to my GP. So in the past couple of months this has gotten a lot worse where I am talking to myself a lot more not like the normal sort of stuff but actually contemplating different things but out loud its got to a point where I generally ask myself if I am taking in my head or out loud.

I am also the sort of person who has to have more in life where it takes over always looking at the next step how can I move forward improve to the point that my job is my life. I question ever day am I actually happy or not as I don't think I ever feel happy not truly. I contantly feel there is a pressure on my trying to push me to the bottom of the barrel.

Despite not knowing if I am happy or not I sacrifice my happiness in order to make people who are close to me happy. Not that I have many close people anymore I can actually count on both hand how many close people I have and thats two friends and my girlfriend then the rest are just family.

I use to be quite an anxious person specailly in a social scenario but when starting work I was able to over come that slightly with talking to people daily to try and help myself but I've slipped back where I can't talk to people sometimes where I just can't relate to them or even I just can't talk I get a choking feeling but other times I'm fine. Sometimes I just get sad for no reason at all and want to be left completely alone and not have to face the world but I still do the bills have to be paid.

I have self harmed in the past.

Things that might have contributed to some of this issues could be constantly bullied through school. Also from when my stepdad use to discipline through using the slipper or a metal spoon on the head to me even now it was just discipline but my girlfriend believes it might have something to do with some of this issues she so kindly points out. By the way I have nothing against that man he is now a lovely person who is very supportive and caring. Also my girlfriend has BPD so I always have to deal with the hot and colds of her.

Thats all I'm gunna really say for now just want someone elses opinion who doesn't know me in person.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Hello there Kieran, welcome to the forum:welcome:

I've read your post. You have done so much for yourself:) so give yourself credit for that. Good on you.

I think, like quite a few of us here, you have had bad times. Difficult with your mum and also step father.
I know you are putting a good perspective on it, but it's been really stressful for you I think. Understandably so.

I'm not a fan of your step father from what you say. :mad: His treatment of you as a child shocks me. that is not good parenting at all, that is not gentle loving discipline. It's also a criminal offence to hit children like that, it's assault dressed up as a punishment for being naughty. The work of a bully really.

How would he like it if I came round and hit him on the head with a spoon and a slipper?
Is he more pleasant now that you are a man rather than a child? That is my guess, and not a criticism of you at all, but of him.

You sound a really caring person, but I think that you have forgotten in all of this, that YOU are important too.
You do not have to please everyone all of the time, it is ok to say what you want to do.

Keeping everyone happy, as well as the job, the flat and bills, is a lot of pressure.

I think perhaps if you could talk to your GP, maybe show him/her your first post here? Your post is clear and sums up the situation well. I'd suggest you might want to ask for some counselling/therapy to talk things through and build up belief in yourself. What do you think?

You have done the right thing talking about it, don't bottle it up, talk it through definitely.

Hope we can help here by listening, and sending you all good wishes.
Exyz :)
 
Top