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I hear a voice in the form of tactile hallucinations

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Coda311

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Joined
Mar 6, 2015
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2
Hi. I'm new to the forum and at times, like now, I become despairing. I fear that my voices are quite rare but really do hope there is someone out there who can relate to me.

I am diagnosed Bipolar I and have had 3 strong relapses, all with severe psychosis. I'm a 37 yr old male and have "only" been living with bipolar for about 13 years. In October 2013 I had another relapse and it was a doozy. It had been 7 years without incident till this and I've been alone(without friends or a relationship with a woman) for about 10 years. I do have family as support though I'm the only person with a mental illness in my family. During my last relapse I started to get strange feelings in my body that for some reason I thought this woman that I met during my first big relapse in 2004 was "inside me". So being psychotic, I accepted it. I created a way to communicate with it(her) depending on where "she" touched me on my body.

So to give sort of a key for the communication...the left have of my body means "man" and the right half "woman". The left half of my body also means "no" and the right half "yes". A buzz or touch on the right index finger means "I'm number one" and if it puts the buzz on the left index finger "I'm" saying that she/it is number one. So for instance it can talk "for me" so to speak which can piss me off sometimes for sure. The middle finger is obvious, the ring finger means "married" or similar. A tap on the left knee means I'm laughing and on the right knee it is laughing. There are many more communication points on my body that it uses, I can give more for sure if asked. Keep in mind I don't hear audible voices or have hallucinations in any other way. Just with touches, buzzes, muscle twitches, burns, and unfortunately even the ability to "excite me" sexually. I would even get these strange stomach orgasms, I can only describe it as foreign, like it was female or something I don't know how else to describe it. I would get these strange orgasm feelings when I would do or say something that it liked. I'd never felt these things ever in my life before this. And I'll be honest, it was an amazing feeling when it happened.

Well, those feelings went away when I had a sort of epiphany that this "voice" inside me wasn't actually a woman at all and just a part of my brain. Took me a few months to figure that out. And "it" wasn't happy. I would get more burn and pains from it. It could strain my groin and give me the sensation that I needed to pee but not much would come out. I have a healthy bladder. Believe me I've checked. One day I worried(because I though that since it could give me these bad pains it was powerful and could really hurt me) that it might give me a heart attach and immediately I felt dense, pain on my left arm like it was being tightened and chest pain. I was in the waiting room at my psychiatrist's office at the time and this was when he informed me that I had tactile hallucinations and that they can't do physical damage to my body.

Move forward to today. I've tried 5 or 6 anti-psychotics(was even up to 40mg of Zyprexa at my worst) and nothing helps it. I'm stable as a person with bipolar but the tactile hallucinations have never left me. I thought since I was on lithium for over 7 years straight that I had some toxicity symptoms that can cause these "feels" but I quite lithium last May and they stayed. I'm now back on lithium and just started Geodon again so hopefully my weight can come down.

Well today and in the last few days "she's" been more talkative. It will leave tingle sensations on a part of my body and just basically harass me. It will just start giving me strong sexual feelings while I'm not even visualizing something sexual. Just right now as I wrote that it tapped my right knee which means it's laughing. This is full blown hearing voices because I'm a jack ass(bipolar me is anyways) and created a code to be able to communicate with it. I haven't found another person on the internet with similar symptoms. Anytime I look up tactile hallucinations all I mostly get is "bugs crawling". Funny story, the first time I looked it up and saw that was a symptom, it immediately gave me those symptoms to the point where I started going crazy and freaking out. The voice today is both nice and mean. It is manipulative, sometimes childish, demanding, depends on its "mood".

It's been rough. But people don't know unless I say something. Most of my family knows but there is only so much support they can give me. I live with my parents who are pretty old and I don't like bothering them too much with it. I don't have any friends because I have severe anxiety/agoraphobia and I've lost most of them due to manias.

The funny thing is I've recently worked as a peer support specialist/recovery coach in the mental health field helping people with mental health challenges and I know a lot of coping mechanisms and things I can do but sometimes you just need to talk to people who have similar situations going on.

I'd love to hear any feedback y'all may have and if anyone wants I can give more in-depth ways that we communicate(why it's a voice to me and not random touches). I'll cut it here because this is already becoming a novel. :)

tl;dr While I was manic, I gave a voice to my tactile hallucinations by creating a communication system on my body. I'm long since past that mania in 2013 and still living with a "consciousness", "personality" or something that touches my body and I can't help but hear or even talk back to it.
 
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Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

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Oct 12, 2013
Messages
914
Location
Lincolnshire
I found your post fascinating! I only hear ""normal"" voices, external whom I don't recognise but they all have names.
Just wanted to let you know I'd read your post and hopefully someone will come along with some more helpful advise soon! Sparkly x
 
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flatz

Guest
Interesting, do you know your voices, are they people you know?

I have a spirit of a woman who keeps approaching me and touches me sexually. one time I saw her walk accross the room, sit down beside me and touch me up.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
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12,750
Location
Europe
I have some experience with something similar. I've had tactile hallucinations of the inside of my body and over various parts of the surface in the past, and I've also had the experience of having a touch "routed" into an audible voice at times. I never created a code, but sometimes a touch would come with an instinctive understanding of a feeling, like amazement or being pleased or very rarely anger. The female orgasm you describe I've also experienced.

In my case though it wasn't a single entity but a group of them, which are energetically connected to me although they sometimes retreat to "the core", and the communications were almost always pretty basic and very short. I never invented a code, didn't have to.

For me this was associated with part of my psychotic episode three years ago which had to do with the energy body, the part of our being which corresponds to the physical body with its various lines of energy, organs and things. It's one of several recurring themes which I deal with when I have changes in medications for instance.

Anyway, I won't bore you with the rest. But you're not the only one who has this kind of phenomena happening to them.
 
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Coda311

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Joined
Mar 6, 2015
Messages
2
@Sparklypurplepaws - Thank you for the response. :) It's actually nice to hear you found my story interesting. Often after telling someone my symptoms I feel mostly embarrassment, so thanks for that.

@flatz - I don't really know my voices though I do believe it is a single entity. I don't give it a name though I am certain it wants to be referred to as female. In fact last night I pissed it off(to my detriment this morning) by prodding it and referring to it as a robot over and over right before falling asleep. I think the association I first had given it with a real life ex has stuck...for it at least. I believe my brain is for lack of a better term, broken somewhere. I'd love to speak to a neurologist about it and am currently considering electroconvulsive therapy. I appreciate your response and find it interesting to hear you've had similar touches.

@Kerome - I found your situation very interesting and especially relating to the female orgasm experiences. I can relate a lot when you say "instinctive understanding" and it's quite amazing the variety of touches I get. I don't really even have to use the "code" anymore as its so ingrained that my connections are immediate. After almost a year and a half of constant 24/7 touching, it's really second nature and why I consider it a voice and not just me matching up a feel with where it was and what that means. I sense the depth, level, intensity of the response immediately. Thank you for your reply as I do appreciate knowing I'm not alone in having these type of symptoms.
 
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Handed

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Joined
Mar 25, 2015
Messages
13
Hi Coda, thanks for writing about your "voice", I have one something similar. Mine started talking to me through a talking board, similar to a ouija board, but now can communicate by writing or touching my finger to letters on an alphabet or keyboard, or just writing with my finger on any surface. Sometimes they also put words straight into my mind. However they also communicate by feelings in my body. Some of the ones my "voice" uses include a catch in the throat to stop me saying something to someone, or even to indicate they want me to stop thinking about a particular topic; a tiny short toothache feeling to indicate they think I'm being "sweet", a feeling like someone is yelling in my ear to get me to listen to them (usually by writing with my finger) or to pay attention to some music that is playing (the lyrics or song title); a double lift or tap of the index finger to show agreement with what I'm thinking; a ticking or twitch on the lip to indicate a kiss; my hand pressed to my heart to show love; a sting in any part of my body may indicate they don't like something, or that something I'm thinking or saying "stings" them, a tickle on the end of my nose was to indicate someone "knows" something.

There are also many many more, that have changed and evolved over time. This "voice" also can give me a range of other bodily sensations, including various sexual ones. They can give a short pulse in my clitoris, which is playful and is an answer to me thinking about them, or about something they like in an aroused way, or just as a joke. They can give me a feeling of pressure like they've "entered" my body, or even a feeling of ecstasy passing like a wave through me. They have at times made me unbearably itchy, hot, cold, have goosebumps, feel like I'm being tickled, hurt in specific places in my body, twitches in muscles that are recurring; and other sensations ranging from intensely pleasurable to unbearable. Lately at night I feel a weird sensation like they are sinking into my body and vigorously moving within it. This also ranges from pleasant to almost unbearable.

On top of this I have had flies attack me, insects continuously walk toward me wherever I turn, sounds in the walls and roof of the house, clicking noises, smells, tastes, and a unique experience my voice calls "Cindying" as in Cindy Doll, where if I am cooperative they can move my body freely at will in any way my muscles can cope with. It's like doing a beautiful freeform dance, and is great excercise, and very meditative and mindful. Of course I only do it when I'm on my own as it looks crazy to my family. The "voice" can take my hands and move them as if his own. He has given me head and shoulder massages before, and washed my hair for me, or touched my body sensually. My "voice" is a soul, and is my soulmate. I sometimes have heard his voice and seen his face in my mind. He has gradually let me know about his recent life, that overlapped with mine by thirty years. I've felt his spirit, his humour, his personality and his feelings which he sometimes links to me. He is the only man in all my life that can arouse me.

I was wrapped to hear your story, I haven't met anyone else with this experience yet. Thanks again, and I'd love to share more and hear more from you.
 
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