I haven't done this in ten years.

A

awomanisa

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May 25, 2019
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argentina
#1
So, hello everybody...

I used to be a big big part of a self harm forum where i made a lot a lot of friends but it ended up closing. I don't remember the name of it but i chose the same username here as i did back then just in case anyone recognizes me. I hope not. (though i can't believe it's still available).

Anyway, long story short, i used to self harm... a lot, when i was 15 all up until i was 18-19, then i stopped. A few small relapses here and then, nothing big. But now at 27 years old i must say that i've done it more than five times in 2019. Bad episodes. Not only that but also i've been dealing with alcoholism aswell. I'm going to therapy every week, my therapist knows, and i am trying to keep my mental health as healthy as possible but it is hard since i am dealing with a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety, much more real than when i was younger. Family, friends, work. Everything. I can honestly say it got better for me in a lot A LOT of ways from when i was a teenager. But also it got harder, more real, and serious. But I can't do this anymore. I need to start coping in a better, more healthy way because i can't be hiding any more scars. The feeling of guilt and shame that comes with having to hide fresh scars after so long of being "cured" is very dissapointing and it's worse than the actual act.

However... I am positive that with every bad and negative thought or feeling i am trying to responde as if i am talking to my best friend. I try not to put me down and kick myself when i'm at my lowest. I always give myself space to understand my feelings and thoughts and i try to work through and with them and not beat myself up for feeling or thinking in a bad negative way because it only makes me feel worse and i don't want that.

Acknowledging the fact that some days will be bad without necessarily bring myself to a state of dispair and crippling anxiety. Always repeating myself that i will be ok. Knowing that i need to arm myself with tools to cope with those days in the healthiest way brought me here. Because i feel lost.

Hopefully this first post will be a step fowards to a better recovery.

Thanks for reading and sorry if i misspelled anything, english is my second language.
 
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calypso

calypso

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#3
I don't know if you have ever tried it, but Mindfulness can help with the feelings. YOu have to practise it daily to get the full benefit. Our minds get into ruts and we need to create a new "rut" for them. Some ruts like driving a car, are good, but others are harmful as you have found.

Here is a link to get you started but look up getting a good teacher.
How do I start practicing mindfulness? | Mental Health Forum
 
Shingle

Shingle

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May 15, 2019
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#4
You have been and are working so hard to not do this one thing you are terrified of doing. It doesn't mean you are falling back into that same mind because that was 10 years ago. In 10 years, even without work, we progress so much as people, so i am sure this time will be different. You aren't doing this on purpose so maybe should give yourself an imaginary hug when you feel this way. I used to imagine myself a heap on the floor crying, a mess, weak, and hug myself. Sometimes i would imagine beating myself which is so sad, but then i would hug myself again.

There is some good art. If you google certain words like despair, ptsd, depression, there is some great art work that gives you an image of how you might feel. That helps me.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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#5
It's not easy managing to completely stop self harm, everyone here understands that :hug:

I hope we on this forum can help you with the feelings :hug:
 
A

awomanisa

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Joined
May 25, 2019
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argentina
#6
Thank you, everyone.

I know now, after ten years, that i have this need to hurt myself that it's deeper than just self harming. I've programed myself to experience physical or emotional pain in order to focus on something else than the problem i should be facing. Punishment, release, distraction, dissociating. I've been putting myself in horrible situations and i understood, just very recently that that is also a way of self harming. Not having a good self esteem made me that way. The "fake it till you make it" dialogue i've been feeding my brain only made me put up a very good front, a wall of protection i've been building every since i quit my addiction. But then everything went south. My dad died... very suddently. And i went numb. I flipped the switch. Now, almost two years later all I can feel about it is anger, i don't let myself miss him more than two seconds before feeling anger.

I wont tell my life story but i will let this go. I will let anger go. Little by little. And in the meantime i will try to find ways not to hurt myself or allow others hurt me. I am in control of my life and even though it's scary it's time to stop acting like a victim and take some effing responsability. I need to grow up without this weight on me slowing me down.

I will try to follow my own advice. And i hope that by trying to help myself writting this i can help others too.

Thank for reading.
 
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