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I have this OCD episode right now and I need advice on how to deal with it

J

JohnKreeeg123

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England
basically one of my friends is autistic and quite religious as well. i became agnostic so when i told him, he made it seem like he was ok with it when he wasn't. he even threatened to tell my parents before he apologised. the thing is he seems really insincere with what he says and i dont trust him because of that. my OCD episode is basically me worrying that im a bad person for not liking him and not trusting him. with autism, its normal if the person seems insincere but even knowing that its hard to forgive the things he has done because of the thought that he might really be insincere. he's also had a history of being weirdly stalkerish towards me which puts me off further. the thing is i believe that he genuinely probably is nice and empathetic and its just his autism that makes him seem like hes not but i still cant get past stuff that hes done and i cannot trust him fully. another part of this OCD episode is the fear that I don't like him for not making me look cool infront of others, which seems real because I've had a history of this or because i think he's inferior to me. it's gotten to the point where I don't even know why I exactly I don't like him because the reason seems to change depending on what im OCD about. my OCD is making me question everything so now i don't even know why i don't like him. I'd like to help him because i understand he has a problem and I'd feel bad if i didn't do anything but at the same time I don't want him to think im his best friend and so he gets more stalkerish towards me because i really don't see him as a best friend. another thing is that I'm also now worried that what if I am autistic too. Ignoring the fact that I can understand social cues and stuff like sarcasm and have never had any trouble making friends growing up, I still feel like it might be possible. I don't like making eye contact but that might be because I'm kinda socially anxious and worry about what others think of me. ive also felt like i didnt really belong with the norm a couple of times but again, that might just have been my socially anxious mind making me think that. I don't know what to do, please please give me advice. shall i ignore these thoughts? shall i pursue them until i find an answer? the reason why i cant just let go of these thoughts is because i dont want to be mean to the guy and be in the wrong for it and because i dont want to turn out to be autistic and cut off contact with another autist for things that he might not have control over. I should also mention i cant seek therapy for OCD right now for personal reasons i cant get into. I always hear that to deal with OCD i have to just let go of them and ignore them until they go away but I don't know if I should because like I said, I don't want to be bad to my autistic friend. Any advice is appreciated. thank you
 
A

Amethystgrey9999

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That's a lot of feelings. I will say this, you are not alone, I can relate to you. It's okay to not like a person. Sometimes when the intrusive thought about being a terrible person gets too suffocating for me, I keep telling myself that they do not reflect who I am. If it bothers you, it means that it is not you. Think of all the reasons of why you don't like him, even if it doesn't seem valid (or it sounds stupid). There's probably a real reason why you don't feel comfortable around him underneath all those intrusive thoughts. It's not upto me to tell you to stay away from him, because I really don't know the situation.

I know it's hard to get those thoughts to go away, I know from experience. That sometimes these thoughts feel like a part of you, like maybe you're lying and this is how you actually feel. But trying to distinguish my real feelings VS those intrusive thoughts does help me a bit. I also like to throw my phone out whenever these intrusive thoughts get bad, especially if I see those posts about "Signs your friend is a toxic person", etc.

Also, if you feel like you have autism, you should definitely get it checked. If you can, there's no harm in getting answers.

Do try explaining to him your concerns tho.
 
J

JohnKreeeg123

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Messages
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Location
England
Thanks for replying. I don't know if I have autism, it's just my OCD making me question if I have it or not because i don't want to be autistic and treat another autist unfairly. I've never really had trouble understanding social cues or sarcasm and jokes like most autists do and growing up I never felt isolated as I could make friends just as easily as anyone else. but still, I think im just as immature as my friend in some ways but then again none of these immature habits have anything to do with autism specifically so i dont know. I don't really trust him fully even though I realise his autism makes him seem insincere. I also feel creeped out by his stalkerish sort of behaviour which makes me think he has 'other' feelings for me as embarrassing as that sounds lol. even though i know that hes religious and doesn't necessarily agree with homosexuality, i just have this thought that maybe subconsciously he is into me but even he doesn't know it yet. maybe thats just me being paranoid so tell me if i am lol. but that's really it tbh. I guess I should just try and keep an open mind moving forward and if what I think of him still doesn't change in the future I should just stop talking to him altogether since this is clearly effecting me? do you agree? let me know please.
 
A

Amethystgrey9999

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Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
31
Location
New york
If he's affecting you, then I think you should stop talking to him altogether, especially if you're getting creepy vibes from him.

Have you talked to him about your concerns? Maybe he doesn't mean to come off as creepy.
 
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