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I have so f***** up

megirl

megirl

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I have bought 2 bottles of wine this week drank one bottle on Monday had to ring in work sick but fortunately gave the other bottle away.
My hubby has found the empty bottle in the recycle bin.
Fucking great!

I feel bad enough :cry2:
So yep
i just feel sorry and overwhelmed and scared.

My support worker has called in.I knew it would be them but not 100% sure I didnt answer the doorbell.

Then i shut the windows. Then of course they fucking called in again.
If they find out i have drank again they are legally abliged to get my limited license taken off me.
I have been so well and am its this fucking xmas thing.
My family i only have contact with my Mum, but i dont really love her i see her most weeks but feel guilty if i dont see her,
I am a little hurt saw her 2 weeks ago.
Well at the gate going to say goodbye to her my so fucking called brotherturned up in the car and she went straight to the car basically forgetting about me.
So i quickly walked the otherway saying loudly to my dog fuck that i dont deserve to be treated like that.
I have been doing so well even yesterday i was looking to being dischared well my idea the mental health team havnt suggested anything in regards this i havnt even talked to them about it,

My mother in law has just been diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago shes having her op on the 19th so i cant get there any earlier so leave here early xmas morning to fly up and care for her and cookm meals etc, you see they have boarding kennels they could have at least 120 dogs and 30 or so cats. They usually only get a bit of outside help in the holidays but she just looks after the dogs which means she is a all day working with them hubbys dad doesnt cook at all etc. So i may just help her with paper work and ensure she rests and deal with customers until one of the helpers is free.
I am looking forwqard to helping her and being away at xmas with stop me thin king of my 'fucked up family'

My support worker is going to be concerned i are answering the door bell i have un plugged the land line and turned my cell phone and answer phones off.
I cant let them help me at the moment as feel like i was doing awesome and fucking bang here i am feeling like a failure all around really, and off course i am ashamed as i should be.

Anyway thats all out dunno what to do
 
megirl

megirl

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Thanx hun,

xx
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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It's a little slip - I know it feels huge to you, but no don;t be so hard on yourself (((((((((hugs))))))). Don;t tell services as you don;t want your licence revoked.

Please be gentle on yourself, sorry about the mum thing too, mine is the same.

Love
KS
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Remember that you did get rid of the second bottle. That's definitely a step in the right direction.

It sounds like family, and family at Christmas, can get pretty complicated. Even worse that you have to be taking care of your mother in law's things while she in hospital. It sounds very stressful, and it's at those stressful times that we can give into our addictions. And this slip-up does not negate your past success. Don't forget that.
 
N

Nalah

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Did you drink because of what happened with your mum and brother? Rejection from a mother has got to be the worst feeling.

I would have thought the threat of losing your licence would stop you from turning to the alcohol. When there is an incentive like that it does the trick for me. It's only one bottle though so not the end of the world, you can start again can't you?
 
megirl

megirl

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Well i didnt obviously tell my support worker about the wine i did drink but talked to him about wanting to give in to the urge. I think I just need some extra support at the moment. I can ring him or the crisis team or even the a&d helpline. I kind of find the right person to talk to as sometimes older females can be sympathetic and make it all sound well anyway not useful.
But like the other day i rang and a guy answered the phone that i am pretty sure i had spoken to before but hes very helpful and straight to the point.
I know ways of distracting myself but when i arent ok i kind of need someone to guide me through.
So no its not the end of the world at least i told my support worker than he knows i am going through bit of a rough patch as many do especially at this time of year sadly.
 
Falling Sky

Falling Sky

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Have you tried going to regular support meetings?? in England they are called the AA. I am not judging you or implying that your problem is as serious as that, all I am saying is that I think anyone can go for whatever reason and it might be helpful to you xxxx

Hope you are feeling better xxx
 
megirl

megirl

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thanks Falling Sky,
yes i did go to a support group thing through the local mental health service in relation to alcohol and drug issues.
it ran for 5 weeks just 5 sessions, its a bit tricky at the moment as no license so i may end up going to something similar in the new year when i get my license back,
It would be useful for me to have that sort of support.
Apparantly i aren't an alcoholic (i just presumed i was) but i use alcohol as a way of copeing at times which of course isn't all that useful unfortunately.
Its hard to break bad habits.
But i know that i must stay away from the booze as all it does is really stuff up with my emotions
 
Falling Sky

Falling Sky

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Yeah, alcohol is bad news for that, I find it worse than drugs in that respect quite often. I am a bit like you in the sense that I drink to not feel sad but it doesn't work really=(

I only drink about once a week, but when I used to, before all this crap, I used to have a laugh on it. Now I get a brief high and then just feel a bit down normally.

I hope when you get your licence back you settle into a group and get some support. I am sure they probably do long-term support groups that you can come and go from as needed?? I think just to have someone to relate with can make all the difference ? imo

So plenty of grub and not too much grog over the festive season, is my best prescription for you hunny =)

xxxxxxxxx
 
megirl

megirl

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Falling Sky hey thanx you are right i actually think a group for me would be great i have some wonderful friends i dont really let people in easily and mentioning to a friend yesterday, and she told me off which is fine and was like 'i cant believe you are thinking like that etc. Being hard on me is fine i like people to be straight to the point but her comment wasnt helpful as some people dont quite get the whole drinking mental illness thing.
But anyway rang my support worker which was helpful of course didnt mention my drinking a bottle of wine last week. But like he said can ring them any time or crisis team (who know me well) like he pointed out this time last year i was having a bit of a drinking session whilst taking antabuse felt very crook indeed. I had an early new years eve hubby was fishing then we were going out except i got 2 bourbons and coke drank one whilst gardening sculled the other one then 6pm in bed very ill so i guess i have done well.
But yes i will ring around and get in to some support group would be great
 
Falling Sky

Falling Sky

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I think that is the best thinh hunny. I think friends can be supportive but it can be hard to support someone if you can't relate, as sometimes people just don't know the right things to say=/

Joining a group will be good, as you can talk really openly there as well. I am sure there will be lots of people that will be doing the same things as you and some that are probably having/had a worse time with it all. Plus it's nice to get a 'well done' instead of it being expected that you don't drink or do those things=(

I know very well the connection with drink and drugs and MH - I am no angel megirl.

Let us know how you get on xxx

Love to you xxxxxx
 
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