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I have severe OCD which has only been getting worse.

A

adamkansas

New member
Joined
Jul 26, 2021
Messages
1
Location
United States
Hey all, I recently just graduated from high school and am going to college in about a month (which will matter a little bit later in this post), and basically I have all the symptoms of OCD, and I'm pretty positive I have it.

As somebody with two doctors for parents, they have been pretty clear that I definitely have OCD, but are almost scared of that fact (which is a cultural thing, though they are easing up and have been suggesting I visit a therapist). I definitely plan on doing so, and when I move to college I will find a therapist there (as I don't want to start therapy in my home town to just end up moving after a couple of sessions).

Now to get into my issues with OCD, they mainly center around one thing, sexual desire. It's not anything crazy, just as a straight male the typical kinds of things that would attract somebody make me feel upset- like I'm giving into some lower nature by indulging in them (and I know that's irrational, but can't change that).

This has led to me abstaining from masturbation and pornography, which actually has made my OCD worse (and it seems abstaining from those two things tend to do that to people who suffer from OCD), and this lead to me pretty much becoming incapable of regular life at the end of 2020 (but lucky for me everything was online and I managed to get through it all because I didn't have too many obligations).

Now though I've taken strides to fight my compulsions I still have some problems. I started to masturbate again whenever I felt the need to, but every time I use pornography I feel terrible, and after watching it, for the rest of the day I can't do much else for the fear that my negative energy will contaminate things (I'm a really rational person I promise, and typing this out makes me feel even crazier than I am). I know masturbating is normally met with guilt, but these days it's so much worse.

And the other thing I've been struggling with is sexualizing people. For example, whenever I see a female character on tv or something I avoid looking at them in ways which will sexualize them (for example look at the normal trigger spots like chest etc) and this is a really weird thing I've dealt with for a while, I feel like I can hardly look at anything online anymore because of this.

This was mainly just venting but if anybody has dealt with similar things, please let me know because I am getting fed up with this and it's taking a huge toll on my mental well being (and also I'll try to come back here with updates if anything changes so people who struggle with similar issues in the future can come here to take a look at what worked/didn't for me).

Thanks!
 
A

Archipelago

Member
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
13
Location
USA
Hey adamkansas, I relate to your situation in many ways.

I'm a male in my 30's, and I knew from a young age that I had OCD, but didn't get a diagnosis until I was 28 (it was more a formality than anything else). It's great your parents are accepting the fact that you have OCD. Unfortunately my parents have never accepted the fact I have OCD, which was highly problematic when I was younger, and still is to this day.

It sounds like you're open to seeing a therapist. If I could give my younger self advice, it would be to see a therapist specifically trained in OCD treatment as soon as I could. With the right therapist, you'll grow in immensely positive ways with your ability to healthfully cope with OCD.

Most heterosexual 18 year old males are already going to be very attracted to females, so I imagine it's hard to not have your sexual-based obsessions & compulsions become triggered.

When I was younger, I had major obsessions & compulsions around negative energy contamination.

It's totally normal to feel sexual desire. Repressing that innate, healthy impulse can take its toll on the mind and body. Sexual desire for most young men is a very powerful force, and it's good to find healthy ways to release or move that energy. Like you said, repression of desire will cause that desire to accumulate, which can make it harder to not focus on sexual things. Seeing women in a sexual light is not inherently wrong. All humans have sexuality, it's an important part of all of us, but it's not the only part of us and it certainly doesn't define who we are. It's okay to be attracted to women, that is your body responding in a natural biological manner. By your tone, it sounds like you want to be respectful toward women and not define them only by their sexuality, which is great.

I encourage you to explore the feelings of guilt around masturbation and sexual desire. Journaling might help with that. You're allowed to write anything in your journal, no one will know what you write except for you. It's helpful to give yourself a nonjudgmental space to explore your inner world. It can be very enlightening to see what comes out when you give yourself the opportunity to be 100% honest with yourself.

Hope that helps.
 
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