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I have realised that I don't really understand the majority of people

B

Blue Pen

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Jul 22, 2021
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Hello - I am new so nice to meet everyone,

I wanted to post because I have come to a realisation that for some reason, I don't understand most people. I had a talk with my partner the other day because sometimes he gets angry at me (very rarely, I am talking 1-2 times a year if that) and it turns into a "fight". I say "fight" because he gets angry, says hurtful things (even if they have reasoning behind them it's still hurtful and he doesn't go about it in a great way), but I never do that. I do get angry with him sometimes, but I take some time and think it over, most of the time I let it go and if I have to talk to him then I would never fly off the handle and yell or say hurtful things. I try to be objective and solve the issue without unnecessary conflict. He told me that that's quite abnormal (not in a bad way), and a good amount of people would just get angry as he does and have a bit of a fight, cool off, then apologise and move on.

I realised that I don't understand the passion of anger. I can count the times in my life on one hand that I have gotten angry and said very hurtful things, but I was also young and had less empathy and inhibitions. I didn't think about the consequences of my words. But when I think about it, most couples talk about fights and I can't relate to that, it feels more like a discussion to me but my partner makes it a fight.

The other thing is love. I thought that I felt love like everyone else, but I don't. For example, I like to feel emotionally close to someone and kissing and stuff is fine, but I have been trying to understand for many years, pretty much ever since I learnt about it as a teen, how people think sex is so great. I thought that loving it and thinking it's the greatest thing ever was abnormal, but I have realised that I am abnormal. To me, sometimes it's okay but most of the time it's just something I have to do, it's not all bad but if I was never able to again in my life I'd feel more relieved than anything else, I can't say I would care.

I have been diagnosed with BPD in the past and so with the intense emotions I feel, I thought I would understand people better because everyone tells me I have a lot of empathy. But in reality, I feel like an alien most of the time as I don't understand most people. I don't actually meet the criteria for BPD anymore, but I still feel those intense emotions - just since DBT I can manage them, and that's another reason why I don't give in to anger and lose my shit at people. But maybe I took the lessons too literally, I have always had a problem with that.

Sorry this post ended up pretty long but I just needed to get it off my chest. This is also not to say that I think I am better than anyone, that mindset seems to be common when I look for advice on not being able to relate to others. I just recognise that I am abnormal and if anything I feel much less than. It's a bit lonely.

I hope you're all having a good day :) Thank you.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Welcome.
I'll start by saying that the majority of people don't understand the majority of people, so don't fret about that one. As for the BPD and your reactions and so forth, you do seem quite tranquil, almost tranquilized. Has anything else happened to strip you of feeling at any point?
 
B

Blue Pen

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Joined
Jul 22, 2021
Messages
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Location
Australia
Welcome.
I'll start by saying that the majority of people don't understand the majority of people, so don't fret about that one. As for the BPD and your reactions and so forth, you do seem quite tranquil, almost tranquilized. Has anything else happened to strip you of feeling at any point?
Hello, thank you for taking the time to respond.

That is a good point about being tranquillized. I do still feel anger and stuff, but I very rarely express the day to day anger or sadness I might experience. I do still, but it takes a lot and even then I guess I do stifle it to a degree.

If I think about it, it could be a number of things. First that I have BPD, I am a sensitive person in almost every way, both physically and emotionally. For example, for most of my life, the smallest mistake made me feel like I am unworthy of being alive. I am so physically sensitive that I can tickle myself, which everyone insists is impossible!

Because of that, I got told I am overreacting and need to get a hold of myself quite a lot growing up. Things that were really nothing always felt like the end of the world to me, and it was a horrible way to exist. Long before I even knew the word "suicide" existed, I had tried to kill myself (albeit poorly because I was like 8 and didn't know what I was doing). So now, as an adult, I do question myself. If something bothers me, I mull it over probably more than necessary because I learnt in therapy that I am more likely to become upset at things that are not worth it. That has helped me a great deal because I know that I am able to let the small things go. But when it comes to things that are really important to me, I get stuck in a feedback loop. Usually, it goes something like this when it's significant: something bothers me, I think about it, I feel justified to talk about it, I go over what I'd like to say so that the delivery is good and I can make my point in a constructive way (DEAR MAN skills and such), and at this point, either new information or self-doubt creeps in, so I take a step back and reassess. Then it starts again, I feel upset about the situation, I think about it, etc.

The loop usually ends with me deciding it's not worth the conflict, so I let it go. On occasion, it is still too much, so I say something. That can lead to the second thing that makes me "tranquillized" I believe. When I talk to people, I am very, very sensitive to anger. As soon as a hint of aggression pops up, I can feel myself shutting down and usually I get tears in my eyes involuntarily. That's another reason why I plan - so that I can avoid these reactions if possible. But I am that detrimentally sensitive that any hint of even perceived aggression can make me freeze. I recognise this, and so try to push through but it's difficult. But when I am interacting with angry people, it really does throw a spanner in the works. I can feel my heart skipping beats, my breathing gets shallow, and I'd love nothing more than to leave. I just sit with that and am trying to show myself that anger isn't bad and I can deal with it. To me, avoidance is easier than dealing with conflict and if that means I have to suppress my feelings, I still find that easier to cope with.

I am teaching myself how to be more honest and express myself, but it's difficult because my learning to let things go has also been beneficial. I guess there's a balance to be struck, and I haven't quite found it yet.
 
B

Blue Pen

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@Blue Pen, do an internet search for quiet borderline.
That was interesting to read about. I am happy to say that I still don't meet some of the "criteria" as I have spent a lot of time working on myself and challenging unhelpful beliefs, but that fit me a lot better than the broad "BPD" diagnosis ever did. Kinda sad to see that I still have a lot to work on, but it's nice to see that my diagnosis still applies - I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I had Asperger's or something else. Thank you for the suggestion, I will see what resources I can find that can help with this condition specifically.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Just a word of caution on 'quiet borderline'. This is not an official form of BPD/EUPD. The ICD-10 recognises two types: impulsive type and borderline type:

"Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including suicide gestures and attempts." - ICD-10: F60.3

And remember, you don't have to hit every one of the criteria, only a certain number of them, so some you won't have and some you maybe will have.

But it may be that other things are playing a part too and only a pysch can really dig through all of that. But just because you've been told you have one thing once before doesn't mean a further assessment wouldn't reveal there's more to it or that the initial diagnosis was inaccurate.
Have a read through some of these and see if any parts match up with how you feel and relate to things: ICD-10 Version:2019
 
T

turnitoffandonagain_again

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It's the people who _do_ understand the majority of people, who I don't understand.
 
B

Blue Pen

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It's the people who _do_ understand the majority of people, who I don't understand.
I just wish I knew how to handle it. I feel like a disgusting person, or full of disgust, so much. I wish I could at least handle certain things that don't bother others at all. Even if I could watch a movie that had sex or something in it without feeling disgusted to my very core like I could crawl out of my skin. That would improve my life monumentally
 
jajingna

jajingna

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People really are complicated. Maybe we understand others just partly , like I can understand some things about you but there are other things I don't understand. And even more it's hard to really understand myself. It's not like I have an "objective" view of me. So I guess we live with a sort of ignorance about ourselves and others. I guess it's always been like this, humans trying to figure themselves out, trying to understand each other, never really getting there. And the many formal studies of human behavior in various sciences too, that keep on going on without many solid conclusions, but many theories, interpretations and guesses, keep showing how complex we are.
 
S

saynow

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Jul 8, 2016
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322
me too
i cant get angry but i dont think it is bad thing
coz anger is destructive
being cool and calm is great thing
also
dont try to be ideal person but it is ur freedom to adopt any opinion (about sex)
bye bye 😂
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I think I do understand people quite well, to a certain extent. It doesn't help me much though, with my own issues!

In terms of the sexual stuff (about being relieved if you could never do it again, etc), I could literally have written that myself.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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Sounds like you have great self control. A lot of people do not have the insight you do and just spout off when angry.

You think about what you say which is a great thing and you should be proud of it.
 
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