I have no sense of self

Q

Q_sert

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
6
Location
Minneapolis
#1
I have no idea who I am. I don't have an actual personality. I have no passions, no true interests, no idea what I want or what I should be doing.

People ask me what I'm interested in, or to describe myself, and I legitimately have nothing to say.

I don't have a 'real' identity. Everything about me is fake, and has been for so long that I've convinced myself that this is who I truly am. I say what I think is expected of me, I do the things that I feel are 'normal' in society instead of actually expressing myself. Then again, I don't even know what 'expressing myself' means.

I feel, blank? Empty? I don't know, it's difficult to describe. I'm not even sure I actually like what I do, if I enjoy my hobbies, or if I do them just because I've told people it's what I do. It's what I've decided to show people, and so I do it to keep up appearances.

Do I actually want to work in finance, or do I just think it's an impressive career path? Do I enjoy the work, or is it just that I can make good money, and according to society that's important? I legitimately don't know one way or the other.

I feel like I have this deep seeded need to be better than everyone, and I have no idea why. It's not even that I need other people to think I'm better, I just need to feel that way about myself. Why? Is it some kind of terrible self-esteem issue? Do I feel insecure and inadequate? Do I have a fear of rejection, so I need to fit in and be/do what society says equates with success?

I have no answers, I've been told that I need to just act on my first instinct, do what would make me uncomfortable, and stop trying to be impressive, but I'm not sure I know how to do that. It's become a natural part of who I am.

Even posting this I don't know if I'm actually looking for help or if I just want some attention from people. Something isn't right with me, and I'm so sick of it. I just want to have a life. I want to know who I am, and what I want. I don't want to be a combination of other peoples' personality traits, I want to have my own identity.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,622
#2
I identify a lot - loss of self and self worth and loathing sounds like you have a lot going on stayed with a mate last night - I seem to form in to some patterns and try to break out of thwm!
 
S

sanegirl

New member
Joined
Jul 10, 2015
Messages
4
#3
Don't worry in trying having all figured out.
Deep down you know who you are. You are a fighter, because you are not accommodated with the life you have. You want different. And that's ok. Things won't always stay the same.
I have no hobbies, I always say when asked what I like doing , art ( but I suck at it!!) I think we all care too much about what people think !
Don't put to much pressure on yourself . Try and do 1 change in your life tomorrow. Do something different!
 
K

Kkriiistyy

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Joined
Jul 27, 2015
Messages
1
#4
I've never had any 'real' friends. I've never gotten close to people, only to think that they would find be boring and irrelevant. I'm not sure where all of this stems from, but I cannot hold a conversation, have no interest in putting effort into a friendship- I would rather isolate myself in my room or so things in my own company. I prefer doing everything on my own. I get really nervous when I'm around people- because I always feel I will say the wrong or stupid thing. When I talk, sometimes I say things backwards, get tongue tied, or have 'blonde moments' and that's why I think that no one is interested in what I am saying or what's going on with me. I know that my friends care, but only on a first level basis. No one knows me really well. No one really wants to. I don't know how to be close with someone, I don't know how to ask about their lives without sounding creepy or have things in common with people. I have no interests or hobbies. I don't love music, sport, art, culture, learning. I find everything such a big effort. I'm really lazy. Like really lazy with improving myself, learning about things, about people, history, politics- nothing. I just can't be bothered. And when I try- I read something then it's gone in a few hours. I have no idea how but I can't remember anything. Not birthdays not names not things at work not friends jobs nothing!
Conversations bore me immensely, and I'm very awkward and socially unaware to boot. I actively resent being around other people. Social interaction physically and mentally tires me out.
 
O

Onuryrr

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2016
Messages
1
#5
Hello,

I found this on google while googling "no sense of self", read your two comments and felt shocked with each of your sentences since that's exactly how i've felt.

Do you have a history of childhood abuse? As far as I've understood, sense of self develops in the early childhood, and a violent/fearful environment might disrupt this development.

Hope we all get better.
 
M

MisterPositive

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2016
Messages
17
#6
I made a song and video based on my own experience with BPD along with my own coping strategies which got me completely off of meds and happy. My message to you is found at the 2 minute marker: create who you want to be!!!
https://youtu.be/7hobk-EXmxY
 
KayWable

KayWable

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Joined
Jan 11, 2016
Messages
2
Location
New York
#7
Everything that you are saying I feel so deeply. For the most part I am a fighter and have benefited a little by researching my symptoms and using self talk to figure out why I am doing something. Sometimes I think I know what I like and some things are persistent, so they must be the true me and other things change like the weather. I feel that most people have a problem with just accepting me as I am. I always get questioned about my behavior, even if it is positive. I cannot rightly say why I like what I like or do what I do, it is like breathing air. It just is. I sometimes hate this close-minded, paranoid, and egocentric society we live in. It is very cruel, isolating, and full of shame!
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,144
#8
I have no idea who I am. I don't have an actual personality. I have no passions, no true interests, no idea what I want or what I should be doing.

People ask me what I'm interested in, or to describe myself, and I legitimately have nothing to say.

I don't have a 'real' identity. Everything about me is fake, and has been for so long that I've convinced myself that this is who I truly am. I say what I think is expected of me, I do the things that I feel are 'normal' in society instead of actually expressing myself. Then again, I don't even know what 'expressing myself' means.

I feel, blank? Empty? I don't know, it's difficult to describe. I'm not even sure I actually like what I do, if I enjoy my hobbies, or if I do them just because I've told people it's what I do. It's what I've decided to show people, and so I do it to keep up appearances.

Do I actually want to work in finance, or do I just think it's an impressive career path? Do I enjoy the work, or is it just that I can make good money, and according to society that's important? I legitimately don't know one way or the other.

I feel like I have this deep seeded need to be better than everyone, and I have no idea why. It's not even that I need other people to think I'm better, I just need to feel that way about myself. Why? Is it some kind of terrible self-esteem issue? Do I feel insecure and inadequate? Do I have a fear of rejection, so I need to fit in and be/do what society says equates with success?

I have no answers, I've been told that I need to just act on my first instinct, do what would make me uncomfortable, and stop trying to be impressive, but I'm not sure I know how to do that. It's become a natural part of who I am.

Even posting this I don't know if I'm actually looking for help or if I just want some attention from people. Something isn't right with me, and I'm so sick of it. I just want to have a life. I want to know who I am, and what I want. I don't want to be a combination of other peoples' personality traits, I want to have my own identity.
I am exactly the same

I have a personality but I don't have that functional side of it - hobbies, interests, goals, a sense of self, a sense of being ok with self

I STILL don't know what I want to be When I Grow Up (im 50)

They say Live in The Moment to me which is Hilarious as The Moment is all Ive ever been able to AFFORD - my life has been about survival not smelling roses

Basically a good half of myself hates me and wants me dead

kinda hard to get a good hobby/social life going when you feel like that day in day out eh

sort of sucks up what little You there is, fighting the black hole that threatens to drown you

sorry I cant be more helpful - if its any consolation Ive stayed alive and mostly thriving, feeling this way, all my life - I worked in Finance too :(

Best

BDU
 
Boris

Boris

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Joined
Jul 20, 2010
Messages
1,332
Location
UK
#9
I think first and foremost stop trying to impress... this will go a long way to you discovering your true self, your true personality. Stop pushing yourself to do things you don't feel comfortable with. This alone should lift your mood somewhat (relieve a lot of the pressures of every day life). It concerns me to hear that someone hates them self. How long have you lived hating yourself and resolving nothing... why not try something different and imagine that part of you as a child that needs love, understanding, guidance and respect. It is through these qualities that we grow and develop ;)
 
E

ekcol

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2016
Messages
1
#10
Does anyone know if this is part of some recognized disorder because I can't believe how spot on your story is to my own. I need to know how to break out of this. I'm miserable.
 
Boris

Boris

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Joined
Jul 20, 2010
Messages
1,332
Location
UK
#11
I have no idea who I am. I don't have an actual personality. I have no passions, no true interests, no idea what I want or what I should be doing. People ask me what I'm interested in, or to describe myself, and I legitimately have nothing to say.
I've been told that I need to just act on my first instinct, do what would make me uncomfortable.
Even posting this I don't know if I'm actually looking for help or if I just want some attention from people.
If someone was to ask me who I am, I would find it difficult to answer that. How do you go about describing who you are in a few words? Generally people do find it hard to talk about themselves, so why they go about asking the same of others' is beyond me... You will find people will talk about what they did the other night, or something they experienced, or an activity they enjoyed etc. it is through talking about these things, that we get an idea of the other person... So next time someone asks you a difficult question like that, just be honest and say something like I don't really know how to answer that, and turn it round and ask them how they would describe themselves etc. see if they find it any easier ;)
As for finding who you are, you need to start taking an interest in others... ask them how their day is going etc.
If you are anything like me, I find written communication far easier... maybe chatting to others' on-line would be a good step forward, and there are many a interesting folk on here, who I am sure would only love you to reach out to them ;)
As you interact with others, you will find inspiration. It sounds like you haven't found that yet, hence you don't know what direction you want to take yourself in... One more thing, if you are pursuing something that is making you uncomfortable, or finding difficult (unless your gut is telling you it's the right thing to do), you can be pretty sure as hell, that it's not your right path. Hope this is of some help to you :)
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
#12
TW: CSA

I struggle to define my sense of self too. I was abused as a child and am told that's a sign that leads to feelings of emptiness and a lack of identity. I feel really jealous of people who are sure of who they are and what they stand for; in jobs I've had, I felt so inadequate next to people who could speak eloquently about who they are, what they believe in and where they want to go, and how it all expertly interlinks to form a solid ethos of identity. I don't have that.

I've always felt like an outsider, which made me feel apart from other people and sometimes I thought I was better than them as a result, but sometimes worse. But it's hard to discern because the outsider doesn't really fit on any discernible comparative scale.

I say that because I noticed you were questioning whether you have a need to feel better than other people; I think everyone does, because that's part of human nature. We can't get around it, so it's hard to assimilate that truth into any definition of yourself that's "good" or "selfless" or any of those other things we also desperately want to be.

Something I've noticed about the way you've written this post is that you ask a lot of questions. I think that's both a blessing and a curse; you question things, which is probably a good thing because you want to find out the truth about things, but the ultimately the truth is that life is a massive fucking grey area, so it's hard to take any particular stance on any particular thing, especially when it comes to yourself.

It's like the conundrum of there's no such thing as a completely selfless act: so even if you give up all your possessions to help the homeless, part of you is doing it for a sense of fulfilment or some kind of positive reward. So are you selfish or selfless? Or are you both?

The troublesome thing is that we ARE both, so how can we say we're one thing or the other? Which side do you take? And what does taking that particular side say about you? Probably another wave of self-contradictory, hard to navigate truths.

It's an absolute fucking minefield.

I can't really offer you any advice unfortunately. But at least know you're not alone in feeling empty, and things can help. I guess the aim is to look outward rather than looking in, so you think less about what you are or aren't, and get less distressed when you can't find the answers, and instead just be - which is hard in itself because it's hard to be without checking yourself, especially if you're someone who questions things.

Are you seeing a mental health professional at the moment?
 
Last edited:
nonotme

nonotme

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
1,522
#13
I identify a lot - loss of self and self worth and loathing sounds like you have a lot going on stayed with a mate last night - I seem to form in to some patterns and try to break out of thwm!

i see myself in a lot of this post. I am or am not the person I am today.
 
J

Joulie

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Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Germany
#14
Hey everyone,
if anyone is still active here, feel free to reach out to me. I would love to have a chat with someone who knows what this feels like. I relate so much.
 
M

megirl

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Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
4,092
Location
NZ
#15
Hi there and :welcome:
I see you have posted in a very old thread.
You might get more people responding if you start a new thread or keep posting here