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I have no idea what I'm going to do

R

reedjos08

Guest
Recently I took a step back from work, in order to relax and prepare to return/finish my College work from last year; neither of these things happened.

A quick recap. I joined this forum in September because I didn't know what to do, the people of this forum suggested college counselling. In October I left the second year of my course to focus on the first and the rest of my life. I started counselling a few weeks before I left and have been going ever since. I also went to my GP, he suggested time off and counselling, he also suggested a service called Talking Therapies (on the NHS) that I haven't contacted and don't plan to contact.

I've spent these months playing games, listening to music and doing nothing productive. I haven't touched work or developed any of my treatments for Comic/Show ideas and I for awhile was getting better but I wasn't really there. I've been putting off work for a long time and on Tuesday, this all starts over again. I go in and I then have to start finishing my many pieces so I can pass the first year, then move on to Music (maybe).

One aspect I often forget to mention or factor into these things is my Asbergers. For those who don't know, Asbergers is a part of the Autistic Spectrum. Autistic people can range from those you would never know are disabled from looking at them for a short time (high functioning, myself) and many stronger casest. Autism can affect the way a person things. For instance, when someone with Asbergers comes across a problem such as college work, they shut down, unable to get past the problem or even try and may give up. I often forget that this changes the way I think about allot of this, I've gotten so used to it I forget to factor it in.

I go back Tuesday and I'm dreading it. I've been down for the last week. Distant from others, short tempered, getting lost in my own world when I take a pause (which is evident by me just doing that after writing short tempered). I've found it hard to express this to family members and while I've spoken my plan of attack with the work to them, I feel like I'm saying it more for my benefit.

Plan of attack you say? Go in, focus on the work, any issues that come up, solider through them and keep at it. This theory is good and if I could execute it it would work, but it's the execution I find hard. I just can't see myself not collapsing when I get to the Macs at College, or getting distracted, or giving up and watching youtube. The issue I have is that I'm a smart guy, I don't appreciate and find that fact hard to grasp, but it's true, I'm pretty smart. I know my issues, self doubt holding me down, leading me into a self assured pattern of failure, over thinking to the point of missing details in an Occam's razor level way. Also looking to far ahead at the workload and not the individual pieces of work.

I need help, this whole ordeal is frustrating. If you've seen any of my posts you would know I've had allot of personal and mental issues with the physical issue of the work being a backdrop, the inevitable storm coming from the black clouds. I just don't know what I'll do to finish this work, and then what do I do after? I want to do music but I've never performed, never really went into the deep end with my singing and I've never had the confidence to think I could do it. I'm lost in a spiral of self reassuring my own failure, and I don't know how to get past it.

I've taken a step back but it hasn't worked, now I need to face the music and find a way of moving forward.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
You will get through this. I too am a chronic procrastinator - I've been able to get away with this because I'm also academically quite smart. It's not a good mix, though, as you say, because you end up in a cycle of complete inertia and then a ridiculous, manic workload you're not sure you can handle.

But you can. Your plan of action sounds pretty solid, but you'll have to practise patience and concentration, which you know you can do in short bursts.

I think you're at a point now where you need to break this cycle for your own sake. Get this work done, and then learn how to tackle your work using the 'little and often' approach. This will probably be a work in progress and will take a lot of effort.

It must be so hard suffering from Asbergers as well! I hope you're getting therapy for this and that your course organisers are aware.

But yes, get through this, then set yourself up so you're never in this position again. You can do it!
 
C

Christobel

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 6, 2014
Messages
1,075
Location
South west
I'm afraid I have no knowledge of Asbergers, but I do feel for you in your troubles. If you want a granny-type friend I will be here for you.
 
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