I have no idea what I'm doing

HumanPerson

HumanPerson

Active member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
30
#1
I have no idea what I'm doing. My employers have never known about by illness and if I became to mentally ill to work what then? I feel like a criminal? Why do I feel like time is always slipping away? It felt like January was yesterday and that hurts so bad. It feels like my concept of time is so swayed and all the days blur into one. I never get anything done. I go into work everyday thinking about all the reasons I might get sacked no matter how small. I don't have a routine, I'm all over the fucking place. No friends, no prospects, no future and I've found I don't have the power to change it, I don't have the strength, everything is so messed up. I want to give myself a deadline to change before I die. I'm stagnating in my own swamp of mud and tiredness. I don't want to ache everyday, I'm so tired. Even false optimisim would be comforting right now but it's all shit. Do I even deserve to be working with my condition? Am I a complete sack of worthlessness for not telling my employers how messed up I am? I am always putting on this show and it just never ends. I get home and I realise without the facade I've built I have nothing.

I haven't had ideation in such a long time, it's not intrusive thoughts that I don't want, it feels like the only way out and it's more comforting then any other temporary release I have available. I could call a helpline but why? To get told everything is going to be okay? This endless cycle of downs and short lived ups that doesn't stop. I'm picking up old habits and receding into something I thought I could get away from.

I can't tell this to anyone, I can't even talk on the phone or to my counsellor about it. I haven't cried in ages but I've been curling up on the floor and just losing myself in my own misery. I don't even think I want help I just want to write it all out so at least something feels coherent
 
S

sanjay

Active member
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
36
#2
Maybe go to your GP and ask them for help eg some time off work. I also think you need an interest outside of work. I don't know how you cope without interests. Do you get on with your counsellor? Are you angry? If so have you tried hitting the bed or wall with a pillow or screaming into the pillow. Depression can be about anger turned inward. He kind to yourself. Hope you get some help! Xx
 
HumanPerson

HumanPerson

Active member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
30
#4
Maybe go to your GP and ask them for help eg some time off work. I also think you need an interest outside of work. I don't know how you cope without interests. Do you get on with your counsellor? Are you angry? If so have you tried hitting the bed or wall with a pillow or screaming into the pillow. Depression can be about anger turned inward. He kind to yourself. Hope you get some help! Xx
Thanks Sanjay, I guess I am pretty angry. I exercise a lot to excess frequently till I almost pass out/ vomit because it wears me out so much that I don't have the energy to think and I just veg out, this affects me negatively though, I don't really enjoy exercise because it makes me unable to work properly. I exercise when I get really strong thoughts of self harm. I'm part of a band and I like D&d, however I live in the middle of nowhere and it's expensive to get everywhere so it's hard to meet people x
 
HumanPerson

HumanPerson

Active member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
30
#6
Dungeons and Dragons, I do have a few interests. However, I simply don't enjoy anything anymore, I keep trying new things but nothing has clicked, I'm a bit lost on what to do
 
S

sanjay

Active member
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
36
#7
You just need some space or a temporary rest period maybe?
 

Similar threads