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ImpureForce

Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
6
Hello, I am posting here because I'm suspecting I might be bipolar or have some other mental disorder. I'm female and 22 years old.

Basically, I did a lot of reading on the topic (this forum and other websites) and it seems like a very possible explanation of my problems. I don't know how much of the things i'm going to mention is part of my character and how much are symptoms.

I've never been to a doctor about this because I have problems expressing my emotions openly and especially in front of the stranger. I was also worried that either that person won't take me seriously and say nothing's wrong with me, won't understand me or simply won't be able to help me. But I came to the point in my life where I can't keep it like this any linger, because it will destroy me, so I decided to ask opinion whether you think I might be bipolar and therefore bite the bullet and go see someone and make my life easier. I don't want to be one of the hypochondriacs.

As a child I hated going to the kindergarten, I could never get friends and I would always lie down on the floor, somewhere in the corner, put my ear on the carpet and disappear to some other world, only contact with reality would be vibrations and distant sounds I could hear through the floor.

All the way through the childhood I was disobedient - not on purpose, I wasn't naughty child - but I would somehow always disregard and forget about the rules they would tell me. I would be too busy exploring unusual places outside, wondering around. I think that lead some family members to think I'm a bit 'slow' and treat me that way.

Also my own aunt told my mum she can't babysit me anymore, because I'd make her kids go wild and non-compliant, mostly through the games.

Even as a kid, I was more mature than my peers, e.g. I was aware of our bad financial situation and I'd keep telling my mother thar I'm sorry she has me and that I'm a burden. I still have a sense of duty, that I owe her.
Around the age of 8 I developed an awful fear of death, I'd scream and cry when my mother was going to work because of the fear she'll have an accident. Also, around that period I got this idea in my head that my mother is taking drugs and I was secretly testing her by asking some silly questions.

I was aware of the things around me, in the world and in my play time with Barbie dolls, my dolls weren't going to the shopping centre or the beach - they were drug addicts, teen mothers and good souls helping to save the world. You can guess that scenario wasn't really popular with my friends...My mum tells me I was so involved in my story that I would ignore anyone else and I could play by myself for hours. I was enjoying watching films, drawing, painting and being with animals.

At the age of 12-13 I got depressed and fear of death came back. I couldn't see my future and at one point I was even writing my last will...

At the age of 16 I got OCD (again, it's self-diagnosed, but it's a textbook example, so I have no doubts.) I thought I was going mad. I knew something was wrong and I was determined to find out what, so I researched online and found books...that way I found out that I'm dyslexic and dyscalculic, too. I keep it under control now, but it surfaces when I'm under the stress.

I don't know why, I've been very sensitive on animals. If I see a dead animal or hear something gross that has been done to one, I want to curl up and cry, bash my head onto the wall or just pass out. Interesting, on the funeral of a close family member I couldn't shed the tear...And when everyone else is happy I feel sad. I hate birthdays, new years, holidays, parties....I have a feeling I have misplaced emotions. At parties and other social gatherings, I usually sit in the corner and observe people. Sometimes in a larger group I feel need to run away and I often do, without telling anyone. The need to be left alone can be so strong that makes me snappy and shouting at people. Often I feel uncomfortable even speaking to my best friends, if it's not my good day, I have a feeling I need to pretend to be myself as they know me. Same reason as why I don't want to have my photo taken sometimes. Because at that time I don't feel like myself and that photograph wouldn't really be me.

I often come out as rude and intolerant, but that's because I'm a bit socially dysfunctional. I hate fake pleasantries, forced small talks, people pretending to be something they are not. I don't want to pretend and play social games. I am especially bothered by passive-agressive approach, because it's not direct and open and I don't know how to react so I get upset and accumulate anger. I just tell things bluntly. I hate flirting and trying to talk to new people at meetings.

I get distracted easily and in conversation I get off the tangent, wanting to speak about certain topic but remember something else that is (sometimes only in my head) related to the topic we talk about. I guess it's a bit hectic. In one hour I can go through over 50 topics. I think some people find it hard to be with me. In chatty mood I am loud and want to talk all the time, really fast and trying to capture everyone's attention.

I love music and have different songs for different moods. Music comforts me, cheers me up, calms me down and gives me energy and optimism. It's very personal and emotional.

Also, I love writing and always have notepad and a pen with me. But that can cause me frustrations sometimes because my thoughts seem to go too fast for me to catch them and write them down. I get most 'productive' during the night or when I'm alone with my thoughts. Usually in the bed, which then results in the being up all night, brain working like mad, not wanting to slow down and my hand scribbling. I have to write so fast that sometimes I don't understand my handwriting.

I was suffering from insomnia since childhood and I could go on without sleep for 3 days, functioning normally. But I'd also have periods of hypersomnia, 14-16 hrs of sleep wouldn't be enough and I'd still feel tired.

Anxious dreams are a constant - I can remember only 2 'happy' dreams in my whole life, which oddly enough, were sexual. I can even see the symbolism in some of them, reflecting my current situations and a state of mind and emotions. My dreams are little films (few of them in one night sometimes) and can be so real and strong that they affect me emotionally all day long.

I often get excited about some idea and was always known among friends as 'enthusiastic', the one who always organised things and set things to motion. Buit when my enthusiasm and idea weren't met with equal feelings I suddenly drop everything and don't want to see anyone.

Sometimes I want to be around people but not interact with them. Or I arrange an appointment with people and then in the last moment want to cancel it.

When I'm upset I hug myself (even unconsciously) and rock back and forth or left to right. I have restless feel, knees bouncing, picking at my nails...

I see little details that some people around me don't and I enjoy visual, audio and tactile stimulans. Sometimes little things can make me happy, like piece of chocolate or cute kitten, smilies in IM chat, buying something I was fixated on for a while and simply HAD to buy it although I don't need it...but some things other people consider important can leave me impassive.

There's always a feeling of constant underlaying thread of sadness that is occasionaly interrupted by moments of excitement or emotional breakdowns.

I make timetables and lists of things i need to do and accomplish in certain period, and of course, when i fail I feel like total failure.

I often help people, even strangers, sometimes on my own damage, but can't help it, I feel guilty if I don't. I can't take compliments easily, I have a feeling they are all a lie and misguiding me.

My mood changes can be seen in my writing and walking: when high, I write long sentences, forgetting about commas and full stops, putting lots of exclamation marks and smilies; when low, they are short, simple, flat, without emotions. For walking: when high, I bounce, jump, practically dance on the street, dragging people with me, talking a lot along the way; when low, I walk next to the wall, head down, trying not to look people in the face.

Physically, I have thyroid problems, slight addiction to chocolate, weird pains I cannot locate and sometimes I feel my heart racing for unkown reason.

There are also uncontrollable fits of laughter and giggles but can also get sad and teary a minute after laughing. In the middle of night out with my friends or walking down the street.

I'm full of contrasts and undefinition: I don't have a favourite colour, song, film, food...i love day and night, rain and sun, being alone and with people, I'm loud and quiet, often smiling girl who sometimes spends days in the dark, crying in the bed...
On bad days, one little thing can make me cry and see everything else totally black and hopeless. I feel like I want to curl up and die or jump out of the window. But in the morning, if sun is shining and birds are singing, all's fine! I don't like noise, flashing lights and intrusive people...Because of such social tendencies I thought I might be highly autistic as I worked with autistic children and read many books on the topic, also spoke to specialists...but that didn't explain moods and emotions.

Also, my personality changes every now and then, like a snake's skin. I just slip into something new. But mostly inside, my attitude, personal stands, preferences, plans...

Oh phew, this was long, I hope I didn't bore you.

Well, if it's not bipolarity or some other mental disorder, then...I have one crappy & messy personality that drives me insane and will leave me isolated from friends and people.

Thank you in advance for reading this and replying.
 
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GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
I can relate to some of that but I'm not bi-polar. I'm not sure how much one can separate personality from MH anyway. In my mind it is about quality of life and degrees of suffering rather than labels and diagnosis.

If you feel crap a lot then that is as good a reason as any to see if there's any help available for you. Personality is changing as our experiences add to who we are. So, although this is merely my opinion, if you have character traits that cause you problems you should be able to get support with that. Ditto if you do have a diagnosable condition. Maybe you could print out your post and take to your GP?

Oh....and welcome to the forum. There's loads of nice folks here. :welcome:
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
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971
P.s. I just noticed you posted in the Bipolar forum. Sorry, I should have noticed that and left replying to folks who do have Bipolar. :oops:
 
I

ImpureForce

Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
6
Hi, well, I suspected on bipolarity so I posted here...Feel free to move it to the appropriate place.

thanks for your reply and welcome to the forum :)
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Hi, well, I suspected on bipolarity so I posted here...Feel free to move it to the appropriate place.

thanks for your reply and welcome to the forum :)
That's okay....it's me that's not very observant. Normally people introduce themselves in the 'Introduce yourself' section....so that's where I thought I was. :rolleyes:
 
I

ImpureForce

Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
6
That's okay....it's me that's not very observant. Normally people introduce themselves in the 'Introduce yourself' section....so that's where I thought I was. :rolleyes:
Heh, I didn't really know what to say in the introduction and this whole story certainly wasn't it! :p
 
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