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I have every reason to be happy....

S

Saint Heretical

Member
Joined
May 30, 2021
Messages
6
Location
US
I'm happily married. We have a house in the country. We have a dog. We are financially secure. I'm in the process of publishing a book. I have every reason to be happy.

But for the past 6 months, I've been battling depression. Most days, I wake up already feeling sad or anxious. I can't concentrate at work. I feel worthless. My appetite is non-existent. Nothing is enjoyable. I have compulsive, suicidal thoughts.

I have been doing everything I can to get better. I changed my sleep patterns. I have been seeing a therapist. I was on Effexor, but after 3 years, its efficacy wore off. Lately, I've been using medical marijuana as recommended by my therapist, which sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. It reliably helps me get to sleep every night, but that's it. I messaged my doctor today about a possible psych referral to discuss other medication options.

My wife has been wonderfully supportive through everything, but I know it's starting to wear on her. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it (besides the therapist). I don't really have any friends, and my family all lives out of state. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want this to destroy everything I have, but I worry sometimes that it will if I can't get it to go away.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
20,512
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Nowhere
hi Saint Heretical :welcome:

hope you find it helpful here


:grouphug:🕯💐
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Mar 1, 2021
Messages
3,681
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California
Hi Saint Heretical, welcome to the forum. It has been helpful for me being here. I hope you will find it helpful too.
💗
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,602
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Hey, and welcome to the forum. Really hope that it helps you to discuss on here with people. Family and friends only get it so much, as much as they may try. Congrats on the book, btw. That's incredible.

But yeah, it does sound like you need to try some other meds that could help you out of this state. The not eating, not sleeping thing, we've all been there, and it really feeds on itself quickly. I hope you get some good input on here from people who have been there. It's really good you're on top of getting in to the shrink, and I wish you the best of luck with finding the right solution.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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10,184
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England
I usually have to alter my medication every 2 years. Have you tried any other types?

Maybe you need to ask for an appointment with the psychiatrist to see if they can help. There are new medications coming through that might be able to help you. Depression can be eased and you don't need to suffer without help.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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England

This can help you to spot what symptoms of depression you are having. It is also a useful talking point with your doctor. Different antidepressants help with different symptoms.
 
S

Saint Heretical

Member
Joined
May 30, 2021
Messages
6
Location
US
I usually have to alter my medication every 2 years. Have you tried any other types?

Maybe you need to ask for an appointment with the psychiatrist to see if they can help. There are new medications coming through that might be able to help you. Depression can be eased and you don't need to suffer without help.
I have tried Buspar, which works for my sister and mother, but it just made me really tired. My therapist recommended Lexapro and wrote a letter to my doctor stating as much, but as soon as I mentioned suicidal ideation, he tried to put me on Prozac instead. From what I've read (and my therapist confirmed) I don't want to be on Prozac.

I do think I need to switch to something. I hate being on medication and wanted to avoid it, but I'm floundering without it.
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
513
Location
Australia
I'm happily married. We have a house in the country. We have a dog. We are financially secure. I'm in the process of publishing a book. I have every reason to be happy.

But for the past 6 months, I've been battling depression. Most days, I wake up already feeling sad or anxious. I can't concentrate at work. I feel worthless. My appetite is non-existent. Nothing is enjoyable. I have compulsive, suicidal thoughts.

I have been doing everything I can to get better. I changed my sleep patterns. I have been seeing a therapist. I was on Effexor, but after 3 years, its efficacy wore off. Lately, I've been using medical marijuana as recommended by my therapist, which sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. It reliably helps me get to sleep every night, but that's it. I messaged my doctor today about a possible psych referral to discuss other medication options.

My wife has been wonderfully supportive through everything, but I know it's starting to wear on her. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it (besides the therapist). I don't really have any friends, and my family all lives out of state. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want this to destroy everything I have, but I worry sometimes that it will if I can't get it to go away.
Hi welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your pain. You sound similar to me. Are you in the same routine? Do you have enough variation in life? You could try the psychological and self help route. I believe pain whether it be depression, fear, anxiety or whatever all convey meaning. A message. Sometimes it helps to narrow in and see what message you are being given.

From experience I can tell you whenever I'm depressed something in me needs a change and I'm trying to grow even if I don't realize it.

Try talk therapy and have an analysis of your life. Maybe you need more meaning in your life?
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
672
Have you ever thought of a complete break away from work to concentrate on getting better?
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
Messages
6,181
Location
Canada
It's a mystery, this depression stuff. Things can all look good on the surface but there must be other things going on. Trying to find out what those other things are, is like doing detective work. Hope you can pull through OK.
 
B

Benbardi01

New member
Joined
May 31, 2021
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2
Location
Wolverhampton
I'm new to this and feel embarrassed but at a point where I need to try n understand how I feel the way I do without a reason when I don't have anything to b unhappy about
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
513
Location
Australia
I'm new to this and feel embarrassed but at a point where I need to try n understand how I feel the way I do without a reason when I don't have anything to b unhappy about
Hi. I'll answer for the original poster as well.

Mood is an interesting thing. I study it. If you feel the way you do intermittently that may be better than being that way all the time. Sometimes we get in low moods because we have poor sleeping habits. Sometimes because we don't do enough positive activities including exercise. As you age its especially important to engage in these activities.

Sometimes it's just that we get into poor thought patterns. Remember thoughts and emotions are directly connected. What you think you feel. I can tell you from experience if I don't distract myself sometimes I just go crazy in negative feelings and depression. Some of the best activities in life are the ones that cause you to become present because when you are present you aren't ruminating or thinking too much about things. Find activities that will make you present. I find personally book reading does this for me. It gives me a break from my mind. Sometimes depression is just because of our minds and we need a break from it. Book reading is so relieving for me it forces you to concentrate and become present and afterwards you feel so refreshed.

Yesterday I was depressed all day but I've learnt a lot about what makes me up and down so I told my wife I'm going to sleep. I slept for about an hour and woke up without depression. Just an example of how anything can impact our moods and why its important to get to the bottom of your mood fluctuations by doing self investigations so you can live happier.

I personally used to write mood journals until I learnt a great deal about myself. Usually when we don't know why we are unhappy and we have no reason to be there still is actually a reason we are just unaware of what that is but there is so many things that can be causing such a contradictory state requiring the host to go on a self investigation.

Start by asking yourself the questions is my body in need of something or am I reacting psychologically to something.

I hope that helps.
 
S

Saint Heretical

Member
Joined
May 30, 2021
Messages
6
Location
US
Hi welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your pain. You sound similar to me. Are you in the same routine? Do you have enough variation in life? You could try the psychological and self help route. I believe pain whether it be depression, fear, anxiety or whatever all convey meaning. A message. Sometimes it helps to narrow in and see what message you are being given.

From experience I can tell you whenever I'm depressed something in me needs a change and I'm trying to grow even if I don't realize it.

Try talk therapy and have an analysis of your life. Maybe you need more meaning in your life?
I have been trying to look at it from this angle and so has my therapist, I think. When she wrote me a letter for the medical marijuana, she put my official diagnosis down as PTSD. I thought maybe it was just to give me a "qualifying condition", but one of the other qualifying conditions was GAD, which I'm sure I meet the diagnostic criteria for as well. When I asked her about it, she said she believed the root cause of allnmy issues was Complex PTSD due to "toxic family dynamics" in my upbringing. I'm not sure what to think about this, because I don't consider my upbringing to have been particularly traumatic. My father was in the military, so we generally moved every two years. I was also brought up devoutly Catholic, which caused a good deal of emotional turmoil when I turned out a lesbian. My mother had bad anxiety as well (exacerbated by the constant moving) and could occasionally be emotionally/verbally abusive, particularly when I was a teenager. We would occasionally get in screaming matches. But that's about it as far as "trauma" goes. No sexual abuse, no abject poverty, no addiction issues.

That being said, I have struggled with depression/anxiety since I was an adolescent. I have had episodes of agoraphobia and religious obsession. This most recent bout of depression comes on the tail end of an upsetting family visit, but it's difficult to say what was so upsetting about it, besides that I felt like an outsider the whole time (my wife felt much the same).

So I don't know how much of this is some supposed "unprocessed trauma" or if it's something else. I don't really believe the whole "chemical imbalance" explanation for depression, but this has been going on so long, I'm not really sure where it all comes from exactly.
 
S

Saint Heretical

Member
Joined
May 30, 2021
Messages
6
Location
US
Have you ever thought of a complete break away from work to concentrate on getting better?
I actually did significantly cut down my hours at work, but I mostly just feel guilty about it. I don't like putting all the financial burden on my wife. She says it's ok, but the crippling guilt just makes me feel shittier.
 
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