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I have done all the therapy I can, but I cannot heal until those around me do the same.

duckieduck

duckieduck

Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2022
Messages
24
Location
South East
Hi everyone,


Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide

Love and blessings to everyone reading this post. Also I apologise for the chaotic nature of this post, I am feeling a lot right now and just need to get the points down, all cohesion has gone out the window!

I've shown signs of BPD since I was a child, but was diagnosed 2 years ago. Since then it has been a rollercoaster really. Due to cultural reasons, my parents were never fond of the therapy idea but now my family has changed and is attending my therapist's family sessions that teach them how to better support me.

This is not the problem however. The problem is that for years I have been saying they all need to seek individual therapy to work through their own issues, as they now have the money to do so it's just a matter of looking. I mention this sporadically as it never seems to go down well and most times when I mention it I am mid breakdown. I feel like (especially since my diagnosis) I am dismissed for a lot of the things I say until someone who's not "crazy" validates them. I always make suggestions, arguments and points whether I'm mid episode or not which are just ignored and downplayed as I'm emotional. This weekend during an episode I told my loved ones about them getting therapy again and they all shared secret chats before coming back out to patronise me again.

I love my family, but I've reached a point where I have worked so hard in therapy and all of the problems I bring to my therapist are now caused by other people, and they always say the same stuff "their stuff is their stuff don't let it affect you" but what the hell is that when they're my family and it will effect me!

I just don't know what to do. I am someone who needs people around me and my family and I have been through a lot together, but at what point do they begin to take me seriously. They want me to get better but don't want to work hard for it either. Everyone likes projecting blame onto me - but then get upset when I hurt myself. Is this the life I am meant to lead?
 
H

hurghydurdy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2021
Messages
103
Location
uk
Sorry you are struggling so much duckieduck

It is a difficult thing for most of us to accept but we can't make others change, we can only change our reaction to them. I think that most people would benefit from individual therapy of some kind at least once in their life but you can't make your family members engage in a process they are not willing participants in, even if you think it would be for their own good.

Am I right in understanding that you see a therapist individually and then you go to family sessions with your family as well? Maybe your individual therapy sessions could be used to discuss the issues in the communication that make you feel like there isn't understanding between you and your family? It may not be possible to achieve the kind of understanding that you want within your family but it might be helpful to explore what is at the heart of your frustration.

Often in difficult communication people take defensive positions and don't really hear what is being said to them. Maybe if you had a conversation with your family at a time when you are all calm to just try to really understand their position, without trying to communicate yours, it might open the door to them being less defensive and able to hear you properly. There is no guarantee of this but sometimes when we offer the kind of listening and understanding we are craving it makes it easier for people to respond in kind.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
22,470
Location
Nowhere
hi duckieduck :welcome:

I know what you mean and I'm going through something similar

I think I will tell some of them that they need to see a therapist or an analyst
when it comes to the point where I am having to counsel them
one of them is on PIP but does not pay for therapy or anything

I'm told its ok to give my opinion but to ' let go of the result '
as I can't predict the other persons reaction to my suggestion

so im trying to do it that way
although its true that I also take into my therapy
a lot of issues that don't belong to me

I hope you find the forum helpful


:hug:
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
787
I am not so sure about: "their stuff is their stuff don't let it affect you". Your family might in fact be taking this attitude to you already and if they are not and went to a therapist, they probably would be told the same "their stuff is their stuff don't let it affect you" and hence this vicious circle would continue or even be reinforced.
 
duckieduck

duckieduck

Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2022
Messages
24
Location
South East
Hi @hurghydurdy thank you so much for your reply.

Yes, my therapists have mentioned that before. Altering my reactions has been a lot of hard work, and I'm not completely there yet. My reactions have for sure gotten better but I am internalising a lot of stuff.

Yes correct I go alone then they have what's called "Family Support". Thank you for the advice I will try to explore more ways with coping with this as well. I will also try to build up the bravery to discuss this one day with everyone as I'm sure they don't even realise how much they're hurting me.

Thank you so much again!
 
duckieduck

duckieduck

Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2022
Messages
24
Location
South East
@Zoe1 Thank you so much for your reply.
I think that's a big one for me, I hate that I'm wasting money and time talking about things that aren't mine.
Sending you lots of love on your journey!
 
duckieduck

duckieduck

Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2022
Messages
24
Location
South East
@Mistral Yeah I think that's a big reason I've been hesitant to go to my therapists again it seems like a way to just skim over my concerns , their stuff may well be their's but it is still affecting me lol
 
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hurghydurdy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2021
Messages
103
Location
uk
@duckieduck You really have my sympathy with this stuff - it is horrible to feel like you are seen as the only problem when that is rarely or never the case in families - there are patterns to unhappy/unhealthy dynamics that all members contribute too. It's good that you've the support of the therapist as you work through these issues. Wishing you strength and peace
 
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