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I have cPTSD and live in an unstable environment--just a rant

Mom_To_Two_Too

Mom_To_Two_Too

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Joined
Oct 21, 2021
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120
Location
Italy
I'm 50 and was diagnosed 4 years ago after years of misdiagnoses and lots of unnecessary psych drugs (an experience which also left me traumatized on top of my childhood and adolescent trauma). I have an adult daughter with BPD who probably had ODD as a kid. She lives at home and is really unstable.

She started hitting me when she was 8, pushed me down the stairs when she was 9 (I was pregnant), and by the time she was 15 was chasing me around with knives screaming she was going to kill me, on a regular basis. The worse she got the more I desperately sought help for myself (she refused it) and that's how I ended up getting so bad off on the meds.

My youngest was severely traumatized by her sister's behavior and my disappearing into a meds stupor and she is at home with us, too.

So we all live together again after being apart for a few years and the oldest one is reverting to her BPD instability and I feel like I'm dying most days from the anxiety. Every time I'm in the room with her and her sister I am on such high alert I start having chest pains and can't breathe, and I have to pretend like everything is normal so I don't stress her little sister and don't set the big one off.

The other day I went with the older one to the mall and it was relatively peaceful, then on the way home she noticed some hunters in a field by the road I was driving on and without warning she rolled down her winder and started SCREAMING expletives at this. I thought I was going to crash. I could barely drive and I felt my body shutting down.

Every week she tells me she's going to kill herself and I don't know what to do. She refuses professional help. Just writing about it now is freaking me out and making my chest hurt. I never know if I'll find her dead when I get home. I'm afraid of upsetting her so I am always so sweet and supportive even if I want to tell her to fuck off with her behavior.

I feel like my youngest and I are in a prison and I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even get proper help for my cptsd because of this. I tried to start EMDR and was told it's pretty much impossible as long as I am in this situation. I can't take any meds at all for this crushing anxiety because of what I went through before. I feel so hopeless. Oh, and my marriage is falling apart because of how hands-off my husband is and how he has been.

yay. yayayayay.
 
Bod

Bod

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Jul 19, 2021
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Pretty Good
I am sorry you are really suffering along with your younger daughter while the eldest is like this plus with your husband not being helpful at all really does not help you at all. As you might well know YOU need help with your own issues and as long as your older daughter is with you that help will not happen sadly, you need to try and toughen right up and get onto the right medical people and tell them just how your eldest is being and hopefully they might take her to hospital for a while until they can help you. Yes it will be very hard to do but for your own sanity I think it might be a the best way forward.
 
B

boblano

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 22, 2021
Messages
211
Location
Sacramento
I'm 50 and was diagnosed 4 years ago after years of misdiagnoses and lots of unnecessary psych drugs (an experience which also left me traumatized on top of my childhood and adolescent trauma). I have an adult daughter with BPD who probably had ODD as a kid. She lives at home and is really unstable.

She started hitting me when she was 8, pushed me down the stairs when she was 9 (I was pregnant), and by the time she was 15 was chasing me around with knives screaming she was going to kill me, on a regular basis. The worse she got the more I desperately sought help for myself (she refused it) and that's how I ended up getting so bad off on the meds.

My youngest was severely traumatized by her sister's behavior and my disappearing into a meds stupor and she is at home with us, too.

So we all live together again after being apart for a few years and the oldest one is reverting to her BPD instability and I feel like I'm dying most days from the anxiety. Every time I'm in the room with her and her sister I am on such high alert I start having chest pains and can't breathe, and I have to pretend like everything is normal so I don't stress her little sister and don't set the big one off.

The other day I went with the older one to the mall and it was relatively peaceful, then on the way home she noticed some hunters in a field by the road I was driving on and without warning she rolled down her winder and started SCREAMING expletives at this. I thought I was going to crash. I could barely drive and I felt my body shutting down.

Every week she tells me she's going to kill herself and I don't know what to do. She refuses professional help. Just writing about it now is freaking me out and making my chest hurt. I never know if I'll find her dead when I get home. I'm afraid of upsetting her so I am always so sweet and supportive even if I want to tell her to fuck off with her behavior.

I feel like my youngest and I are in a prison and I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even get proper help for my cptsd because of this. I tried to start EMDR and was told it's pretty much impossible as long as I am in this situation. I can't take any meds at all for this crushing anxiety because of what I went through before. I feel so hopeless. Oh, and my marriage is falling apart because of how hands-off my husband is and how he has been.

yay. yayayayay.
I think the best thing you can do as the sole leader of your world is to imagine a barrier that separates you from all negative things hearable or visible in the world around you, and focus on basic tasks that are relevant to your life's essential needs, and meanwhile making sure the barrier is up, so nobody can hurt you. Also, despite feeling alone, you must be alone and not allow anyone who is expressing interest in caring for you behind that barrier since your world is more fragile than you would like it to be, and you need to keep it that way for a while like a band-aid
 
Mom_To_Two_Too

Mom_To_Two_Too

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2021
Messages
120
Location
Italy
I think the best thing you can do as the sole leader of your world is to imagine a barrier that separates you from all negative things hearable or visible in the world around you, and focus on basic tasks that are relevant to your life's essential needs, and meanwhile making sure the barrier is up, so nobody can hurt you. Also, despite feeling alone, you must be alone and not allow anyone who is expressing interest in caring for you behind that barrier since your world is more fragile than you would like it to be, and you need to keep it that way for a while like a band-aid
I like this.
 
Mom_To_Two_Too

Mom_To_Two_Too

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2021
Messages
120
Location
Italy
I am sorry you are really suffering along with your younger daughter while the eldest is like this plus with your husband not being helpful at all really does not help you at all. As you might well know YOU need help with your own issues and as long as your older daughter is with you that help will not happen sadly, you need to try and toughen right up and get onto the right medical people and tell them just how your eldest is being and hopefully they might take her to hospital for a while until they can help you. Yes it will be very hard to do but for your own sanity I think it might be a the best way forward.
To top it off last night she was pulled over while driving after drinking and lost her license for a month. I am so utterly wiped out from everything I can't even react but I did tell my husband he has to take next week off work and stay here to give me a hand because it's too much.He says he'll do it but until I actually see him here I won't believe it.
 

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