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I have absolutely no idea whats going on with me



New member
Dec 29, 2017
Hi everyone,

New user here, found your nice forum through google.

Big story ahead, thanks for taking the time to read it.

It started when a month ago I had a bad experience where I almost fainted underneath the shower, something that wouldn't be my first time. I've fainted years ago when I had a major fever and was taking a shower (I actually cracked the bathtub when I fell face first lol) so I know how it feels before you're going out. I sat down, watched my breath and called my mother and managed to get out just fine. The next day I went downstairs for dinner and had the same experience where I would feel extremely light-headed all of the sudden.

I went to the doctor because I was quite afraid it had something do it with my heart but they couldn't find much (Blood pressure all okay) and called it a virus infection. I even had a basic blood test and it came back just fine. Two weeks of taking a break from classes and just mostly sleeping and relaxing and I managed to recover pretty much and was cable to attend college again.
But I kept focussing on my heart wondering if there maybe was something wrong, and I still am constantly aware its beating and its getting worse. It reached the point where I once again can't properly go through my day and spend most of the time calming myself down.

I've always had some minor issues for years with depression and episodes of depersonalization (Which I only learned about being a thing recently, I just thought it was me being messed up) but I learned to cope with it and usually they go away the next day or even just after a few hours (especially depersonalization can leave just hours later already).

However after this incident I'm constantly worried about my health and keep having depersonalization episodes, to the point where I don't even think they ever fully stop, but only get slightly worse or less worse. To make it even more of a problem, when going to sleep I can hear or feel my heart a little and it totally freaks me out. I get extremely scared something is wrong with me, start to panic and feel like the world is about to end for me. When I try to force myself to sleep I notice the elevated heart beat caused by the panic and see all kinds of moving patterns and colours when I close my eyes. These moving patterns and colours hit my depersonalization disorder again and I feel like the world all doesn't make sense any more and start panicking about that too!! (One thing that particularly freaks me out is thinking about things multiplying indefinitely for some reason. Like 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, ... 65536, 131072, 262144 and just imagining this number getting bigger and bigger, where does it end?)
This all is making sleeping very hard and I usually only manage to sleep about 5 to 6 hours, usually falling asleep around 5AM because I'm just too exhausted to even panic any more.

Anyways, is there any hope for me? Am I really going insane or am I really dying? Is it even possible to solve this or is my brain permanently messed up? I appreciate all tips and advice. If anyone has relatable issues please let me know your experience with it

Thank you all so much for reading, it helps a lot writing it out even though I probably missed a lot of details :panic:
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Well-known member
Jun 14, 2017
Hi there Smie:welcome:

I read your story there. I hope it has helped to write it down.

No one here can diagnose on a forum but it could be anxiety causing you to feel like this, or a number of different things.

The thing is, if it is happening to you then it is very real and you deserve more checks. Don't be afraid to push for more support or ask for another opinion. The faints and funny turns are definitely worrying and worth pressing your doc for some more tests.
Welcome here anyway. All good wishes:)


Well-known member
Dec 30, 2017
Hi,it may be anxiety,I also. Have experiences like yours.anxiety can wreak havoc in your body and head.i was convinced that I was going to die of kidney failure when I was admitted to psych ward,I even text my family, telling them how much I loved them because I was convinced I would die in my sleep.have you tried relaxing, slow down