• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I have a very complex somewhat troublesome relationship with spirituality.

Hello513

Hello513

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 24, 2018
Messages
2,452
Location
THE DEATH STAR.
Before I had my first psychotic episode I was a very devout Christian.

After my first episode I walked away from my faith. I became an agnostic Atheist. At first this was because I blamed God for my condition. This was probably because I was frequently under the impresion the voices were God, and they were extremely nasty and evil.

As I stabilized however unwilling to return to my faith I began to do actual research into the subject, and I found all kinds of holes in religion that convinced me all world religions were false.

This brought me no comfort. While I was relieved to believe that God was not out to get me it brought up a new conudrum which brought me little comfort.

It lead me to the conclusion I lived in a cold indifferent universe, and my condition was just bad luck that nobody could do anything about, and I would just have to deal with because I got unlucky. Further I began to develop a deep fear of oblivion. It seemed that with this condition I could never live the kind of life I actually wanted, and on top of that at the end of this disapointing life there would be no chance for redemption as I would simply cease to exist only ever having known disapointment and misery beyond my control. While I started out angry at God eventually I really did start believing there was nothing there, and this scared me almost as much as the vindictive evil God I once believed in. It did not resemble the God I had believed in at all before the voices whom I thought was the embodiement of love in the universe.

Lately after reading some scientific studies that while not conclusive on the topic convinced me there might be a God out there I do not comprehend. I don't believe the voices were actually God anymore not because they were cruel to me, but because eventually I started testing the voices and found they seemed to have no knowledge indictive of what a God would know. Further I caught them in numerous lies that eventually began to erode my belief in them.

However despite this I never returned to religion. Right now I believe all world religions to be manmade falsehoods with the True God if such a being exists remaining firmly hidden from the world.

The problem now lies in this. Even though I no longer believe the voices were God talking to me I still hate the being despite my best efforts to let my anger go. I hate the being for allowing me to live with this cursed fate whatever the reason may be.

I tell myself that God may indeed not be cruel and vindictive, but that this evil may have been neccesary for some reason however this does nothing to quench my rage at the being I sometime believe in and sometimes don't.

Maybe I just need some one to blame for all of it instead of the idea that its no ones fault which brings me no comfort at all. I want to hold some one accountable for what was done to me so I can exact justice on that being.

However even if I ever did exact justice on some being for what I went through I fear it would bring me little comfort as the massive damage it has already done can never be repaired no matter what I do, and that is what I truly want to fix all the damage this has done to my life, but that as far as I am aware is impossible.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
5,391
Location
England
I have no idea what to say, i was thinking, confusion, an answer that will never come, never will know which or what. You will never know until you die, what it was, who it was, what it means.

Are you likely to be that unwell again?
 
Hello513

Hello513

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 24, 2018
Messages
2,452
Location
THE DEATH STAR.
I have no idea what to say, i was thinking, confusion, an answer that will never come, never will know which or what. You will never know until you die, what it was, who it was, what it means.

Are you likely to be that unwell again?
It is quite possible. I have been in and out of remision for some time. Right now this is currently the longest time period I have been in remision since it all started, but that is no guarentee I won't relapse.

However I will say this even though I have had relapses over time my remision periods have been lengthening and my episodes have been shortening. in other words when I do have a relapse I seem to stabilize much quicker than I did in the beggining and stay stable for longer.
 
T

trailwalker29

New member
Joined
Nov 18, 2020
Messages
4
Location
NY
Hello513,

Here are some things that helped me after I fell away from religion:
  • Stoic philosophy- focusing on things that I can control,
  • REBT and CBT - Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, specifically the writings of Albert Ellis
  • Recovering from Religion
  • Joining a secular group
  • Practicing good self care

It can be tough but not impossible, you can do it. I wish you the best.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
consciousnessdetective

consciousnessdetective

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 5, 2020
Messages
92
Location
Oregon
Hello,
I've had a very similar experience. I am an ex christian, then used to be a very materialistic reductionist atheist in my thinking before trauma surfaced and major depression took over after a very bad car accident.

What I've come to not-understand (lol) is that there are things within consciousness that lead us astray from our true selves. However, there is also stored /trapped pain that will lead to further awareness if we experience it. Unfortunately, there are all illusions too--saints, angels, spirits, voices, demons, whatever you want to call them.

I knew I couldn't return to "believing in god" because there's no way an external god that is supposedly all loving would put one through this. Meditation was also something that started to harm my quality of life due to the awful hallucinations /shows it would put me through. There are even scenes and illusory realities in there. I don't understand why they are there, or quite how to release them yet. BUT I do think this is what a so-called master may become adept at doing--releasing conditioning and pain--the mind tries to make sense of this through images and feelings, and so the internal process can be pretty scary at times.

That is literally all I can come up with in my years of upheaval. Just know that you are not alone in the more bizarre spiritual experiences, that this is internal, and it's definitely not all sunshine and rainbows like the new age crowd loves to believe. Hearing thoughts like yours really helps me too. x

CD
 
Top