- Feb 3, 2019
I literally do not know how to start this?? So i have this friend, one of my only friends, she is an online friend. I talk to her every day very very often. I am bipolar, it is a recent diagnosis from just a couple months ago, but i have had depression and anxiety for a little over a year. Right now i am facing a very odd problem. I will be talking to her and then she will have to go, which i am fine with. After a little while i get so unbearably lonely and uncomfortable not talking to anyone that it is too much to handle, so whether or not she responds, i just blab to her (which she has always been okay with). I feel secure knowing that at some point someone will read my messages, so i will text for a little while and then eventually hours could pass of me trying to get my millions of thoughts out and she will come back, and then i will feel extremely comforted. Then she will have to leave again and i will feel like a wreck AGAIN. This has become a consistent cycle every day. You know how people with BPD have a "favourite person"? This is so bizarre and extreme that it is like a different version of a favourite person but fit to match my bipolar? Sometimes i think she hates me but i NEED to be around her, sometimes i am so obsessed that i never want to stop talking to her. I break down over text to her, she knows me very well and what my tendencies are, but just now for a few hours she had to go and i was MISERABLE. Then she came back and i didnt feel great but i wanted to talk to her, so i did, then she had to go because someone needed her help, and now i am back at the same "ohhh my GOD WHAT DO I DO?" because the loneliness is soooo overpowering that sometimes i get suicidal, sometimes i want to unfriend her because i think she does not care about me (which she does, she cares about me deeply and is truly an amazing friend). I am soooo stuck, i do not know what to call this, sometimes i try to push her away and sometimes i try to let her come in real close, What in the world am i supposed to call this??? Is this normal?? To be torn apart every day because you cannot speak to this one person when you want to every second of every day? I have an emotional attachment with her strong than i have ever had with anyone else, and im so lost. If anyone even gets to finish reading my blob of text, some advice would be helpful thanks!