I have a particular reason why I hate fall and winter.

frisas45

frisas45

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Summer is over. I could feel the cool breezes already in South Korea. Although the daylight hours are still long, I feel misery. I hate winter. People suffer from Seasonal affective disorder due to lack of sunlight, but I have a special reason.


I suffered too much this January through March, and even worse in Spring.

My mother was suffering from delusional disorder. She believed that she was facing persecution from dark spiritual forces manifested in evil-minded people, despite there was none. She raged about it, and caused trouble. I went to the doctor to get help. He gave her Risperidone and Lithium to ease her anger and delusions. They seemed to calm her down, but she went back again.

She was so angry that she became alcoholic. That seemed to calm her down, but my doctor warned that could bring dangers.
He urged me not to have her drink alcohol.

I tried that for months. I tried telling her. I tried pouring the alcohol out into the sink. Nothing worked. There were times she never took her pills properly. I tried to force her for months, but it doesn't work. She was spiraling out of control and I couldn't stop it.

But my mind pushed me to push harder or else everything is over.

I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have been taking pills properly, but this situation scared me beyond limits.

From what I've learned from websites, you just worry about yourself if someone is not willing to receive help. But I can't. She might end up homeless if she spirals down the path. I feel like I have to do better in order to survive. Without her, I feel like I can't survive. I can get a job, who on earth is going to take care of her? There's a possibility that I can't get a job. Or won't make enough money. My father is exhausted, and cannot pay for her hospital bills if she gets admitted into one. And since I am an undergraduate from a college, I can't pay for our living expenses and her expenses.

But she recovered this July. We went to a different doctor and she took different pills such as Risperidone and Depakote.

But I loathe the memories of going through the park in winter, seeing dead plants and lifelessness. Add that with no people. Worrying about whether she would commit suicide, or commit harm. If that happens, my family would reject me and lose financial support. It's hard to get a job in South Korea. Although I'm an American, I came to South Korea for family support on finances and affordable healthcare. The taxes and healthcare costs are too high in US. So I'm stuck...

I tried to listen to music. Nothing cheers me up. But there's one particular piece of music that led me to more misery and longing.


This is a cheerful piece, but it makes me miss Spring. I wanted to be happy, and be free this Spring, but I screwed up due to my hardships. I know it would come again, but I have school next year to go to so I basically have no time.
 
calypso

calypso

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That is such a painful experience for you to go through. We live in dread here in Britain that we will go down the American route of healthcare and have to pay for it.

You are coping fairly well with your own problems so best keep strong for yourself so you can be strong for your family. There is nothing I can suggest particularly to alleviate this problem. But I can listen if you need to talk.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
134
Location
South Korea
That is such a painful experience for you to go through. We live in dread here in Britain that we will go down the American route of healthcare and have to pay for it.

You are coping fairly well with your own problems so best keep strong for yourself so you can be strong for your family. There is nothing I can suggest particularly to alleviate this problem. But I can listen if you need to talk.
Well, at least I thank you for listening.;) Things would've been better if I graduated from college in US, but my mental disorders prevent me from doing so... :(
 
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