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I hate who I've become

SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
93
Location
USA
Lately I've come to the realization that everything I've been doing in my life so far is wrong. I've been playing the wrong instrument with the wrong hand. I've been finding the wrong people in the wrong places. It's all wrong to the point where I feel utterly hopeless. I've been having restless nights and when I finally get around to sleep, I have dreams where I'm running from someone. Everyday is coupled with anxiety attacks and a feeling of existential dread. I feel haunted by the same thought, "everything up to this point in my life is wrong!" I honestly can't take it anymore, I wake up uninterested in getting up because I know that being awake means facing my mistakes once again. I just assume it'll be another day of hearing myself rant and rave and I usually end up right. I don't know if this is a precursor to what a quarter life crisis is supposed to be and if so, I feel it miserably. I live with my family but I have no friends or any close relatives, I'm alone most of the time. I have delved back into the world of self-harm just so I can help myself handle the stress, otherwise, I'm being nuisance towards my family. I feel like a burden on my family due to having a history of suicidal ideation, so if my family could cover me in bubble wrap, they would. I feel like my depression has dug a hole for me and now that I'm coming to my senses, I've realized how far deep I'm actually in it. It's full of years of poor decision making solely based on fear and anxiety. It's from those times how being forced fed shoddy advice from people who claim to be on your side. Blurry teenage years that have since blindsided me with ill intent. I could go on and on and on. I just hate realizing all the lies I've told myself and how they've intimidated me into silence. It honestly makes me wish I would've just called it quits years ago just so that I didn't have any regrets. I hate who I've become and yet, being myself is just as scary.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,286
Location
Nashua NH
I have been having similar feelings lately which is strange because I have always had strong self love. I am realizing that many of the choices i have made have backed me into a corner that is going to be hard to get out of. I have realized that a lot of what I thought about myself and my life was based mostly in delusion, a point which is very confusing to me. This last part is very sad but true. I also realized recently that I took actions that made people uncomfortable or feel threatened when in the midst of manias. I feel like I did not consciously choose those things and that I would not do those things, but I did. I can’t take any of it back now it is too late. It is embarrassing and I feel incredibly crazy and guilty for it but what can I do? I hate having these issues and being who I am and where I am at in life now. I’m 43, I haven’t gotten around to doing ANY of the things you are supposed to do because I was too busy chasing bubbles and existing in delusion. I feel like at least I am finally out of the delusions, but what now?
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
690
Location
U.S.
Everyone does the wrong things at some point and makes mistakes. You have to just pick yourself up each each time and change course. That's the journey called life. The good news is that you figured out that you're on the wrong course AND you figured it out early in your life. Not everyone is as lucky.
Each person needs to keep on going and find the correct path no matter what their age. It's all a journey.
 
T

treasurebox

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
137
Location
Philippines
I have made a lot of mistakes too and I have also been depressed. One thing that helped me is when my family sought the help of a psychiatrist. They did this without my prior knowledge. The doctor was good and I followed his advise and I took my medication regularly and it helped a lot.

Another thing that is helping me everyday is listening to good music. It is therapeutic.

These are the songs from youtube that I listen to:

Fearless by Jasmine Murray
Overcomer by Mandisa
Good Morning by Mandisa
Don't worry be happy by Bob Marley
I believe I can fly by R Kelly

It will be good for you to forget the past and forgive yourself. Live for the day. You were made to be happy. You were born to live a good life. Do things that will make you happy as long as they won't do you harm. What are you good at or what do you love to do? Do them for they will make you happy and fulfilled.
 
T

timi0000

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
47
Location
Pittsburgh
Lately I've come to the realization that everything I've been doing in my life so far is wrong. I've been playing the wrong instrument with the wrong hand. I've been finding the wrong people in the wrong places. It's all wrong to the point where I feel utterly hopeless. I've been having restless nights and when I finally get around to sleep, I have dreams where I'm running from someone. Everyday is coupled with anxiety attacks and a feeling of existential dread. I feel haunted by the same thought, "everything up to this point in my life is wrong!" I honestly can't take it anymore, I wake up uninterested in getting up because I know that being awake means facing my mistakes once again. I just assume it'll be another day of hearing myself rant and rave and I usually end up right. I don't know if this is a precursor to what a quarter life crisis is supposed to be and if so, I feel it miserably. I live with my family but I have no friends or any close relatives, I'm alone most of the time. I have delved back into the world of self-harm just so I can help myself handle the stress, otherwise, I'm being nuisance towards my family. I feel like a burden on my family due to having a history of suicidal ideation, so if my family could cover me in bubble wrap, they would. I feel like my depression has dug a hole for me and now that I'm coming to my senses, I've realized how far deep I'm actually in it. It's full of years of poor decision making solely based on fear and anxiety. It's from those times how being forced fed shoddy advice from people who claim to be on your side. Blurry teenage years that have since blindsided me with ill intent. I could go on and on and on. I just hate realizing all the lies I've told myself and how they've intimidated me into silence. It honestly makes me wish I would've just called it quits years ago just so that I didn't have any regrets. I hate who I've become and yet, being myself is just as scary.
SicklyBloom, I felt exactly like you at one point. I hated the person that I had become and wondered how I got to be that person. I have since been able to transform most of my dysfunction. Let me tell you what worked for me. Maybe you can take a thing or two from it.
I would recommend reading the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and APPLYING the principles he talks about in your life. Just reading for an intellectual understanding won't make a difference. It was the very first thing that started to unlock me from my dysfunction.

Meditating on my breath really helped too. Focusing on the sensation of my breath as it enters and leaves a nostril is what you do. I would recommend finding a teacher in your area or at least find some information on YouTube. This really helped me unlock from my dysfunction too.

Taking the actions of love toward other people really helped me too. Start treating the people around you with more love. Do more loving things for them. Start helping people. When I did this, the dysfunction just melted away over time.

More than anything, take whatever actions you feel drawn to take in dealing with your issues. When your mind sees that you are serious about getting to the core of problem, the dysfunction will decrease since it has served its purpose. It is like an alarm bell letting you know that you have some issues that need to be dealt with.
 
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