- Mar 20, 2020
Lately I've come to the realization that everything I've been doing in my life so far is wrong. I've been playing the wrong instrument with the wrong hand. I've been finding the wrong people in the wrong places. It's all wrong to the point where I feel utterly hopeless. I've been having restless nights and when I finally get around to sleep, I have dreams where I'm running from someone. Everyday is coupled with anxiety attacks and a feeling of existential dread. I feel haunted by the same thought, "everything up to this point in my life is wrong!" I honestly can't take it anymore, I wake up uninterested in getting up because I know that being awake means facing my mistakes once again. I just assume it'll be another day of hearing myself rant and rave and I usually end up right. I don't know if this is a precursor to what a quarter life crisis is supposed to be and if so, I feel it miserably. I live with my family but I have no friends or any close relatives, I'm alone most of the time. I have delved back into the world of self-harm just so I can help myself handle the stress, otherwise, I'm being nuisance towards my family. I feel like a burden on my family due to having a history of suicidal ideation, so if my family could cover me in bubble wrap, they would. I feel like my depression has dug a hole for me and now that I'm coming to my senses, I've realized how far deep I'm actually in it. It's full of years of poor decision making solely based on fear and anxiety. It's from those times how being forced fed shoddy advice from people who claim to be on your side. Blurry teenage years that have since blindsided me with ill intent. I could go on and on and on. I just hate realizing all the lies I've told myself and how they've intimidated me into silence. It honestly makes me wish I would've just called it quits years ago just so that I didn't have any regrets. I hate who I've become and yet, being myself is just as scary.