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I hate that my FP has other friends!

K

Keesha

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Also, I don't have a favourite person but I wouldn't mind if they had other friends because this takes all the pressure off me and I can have time to myself, which I really need.
That’s how I feel also BUT I don’t have BPD. I do however tend to put people on pedestals when I meet them which isn’t fair to them. Then when they don’t meet my expectation , sometimes I get upset.
I think that’s why I gave up the best friend thing. Now I just have evenly distributed friends. Lol. It’s FAR easier on the emotions.

I hope you can sort it out Stevie.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Sound like your FP is a keeper and doesn't accept any self sabotaging actions from you. :clap:No wonder you're so keen to keep them to yourself.;)
I think she has BPD too! lol. She definitely has cPTSD, anxiety and depression. We understand each other (and we have a lot of fun and can be silly together too, as well as sharing deep and difficult emotions). It's a very mutually supportive and caring friendship.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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That’s how I feel also BUT I don’t have BPD. I do however tend to put people on pedestals when I meet them which isn’t fair to them. Then when they don’t meet my expectation , sometimes I get upset.
I think that’s why I gave up the best friend thing. Now I just have evenly distributed friends. Lol. It’s FAR easier on the emotions.

I hope you can sort it out Stevie.
See, that'd be ideal, but for meeee, being a bit odd, I can't show my true self to most people, no matter how long I've known them. And it's exhausting. My FP is one of maybe 3 people I can show myself to!
 
SoftRain

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Long ago I can’t say how jealous I became when my best friend had other friends! Overtime, I came to the conclusion the more the merrier. I overgrew it I think.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Long ago I can’t say how jealous I became when my best friend had other friends! Overtime, I came to the conclusion the more the merrier. I overgrew it I think.
I used to be HIGHLY jealous, possessive and controlling of my FPs (best friends / partners. No one else). Not so much now, because I recognise my feelings are my responsibility, I know the reasons for them, and I can (mostly) control my responses.
 
SoftRain

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I used to be HIGHLY jealous, possessive and controlling of my FPs (best friends / partners. No one else). Not so much now, because I recognise my feelings are my responsibility, I know the reasons for them, and I can (mostly) control my responses.
Ditto. Well said. I feel the same.
 
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Keesha

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See, that'd be ideal, but for meeee, being a bit odd, I can't show my true self to most people, no matter how long I've known them. And it's exhausting. My FP is one of maybe 3 people I can show myself to!
I’m not judging. I keep people at arms distance cause I fear letting people down so if I’m not close, I’m hoping I don’t let them down. Maybe I still do. 😬 🥺 Anyway I get the being specific. It’s ok to have preferences. 👍
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Just an update. My FP has been trying to improve her life and mindset lately so has been removing "friends" from her life over the past 6 months or so. Fake friends who judge her, don't make any effort, or try to control her. She has a LOT of these "friends" due to her former lifestyle (being involved in various womens groups, local politics, country club / yacht club type places), but has reduced them drastically to only real friends, of which she says aren't many.

Anyway, so this is good for her and I was suggesting to her last year at some point that any friends who make her feel bad about herself and don't accept her fully may not be very good friends.

ANYWAY, so I've noticed whenever she talks about this, she always makes a point of mentioning how I am a real friend to her, and her dearest friend. I think she's pre-empting me potentially feeling insecure (as she knows me so well), and also showing that she really values me as a friend.

So anyway, this week she's been quite social, going out for lunches and dinners, but she still always messages me during all of it, always says goodnight before she goes to bed, asks how I am and makes sure I'm ok. Yesterday we talked on the phone for an hour. I can't wait until she can come back up here again. I miss her.

I'm also not jealous of her other friends anymore.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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Just an update. My FP has been trying to improve her life and mindset lately so has been removing "friends" from her life over the past 6 months or so. Fake friends who judge her, don't make any effort, or try to control her. She has a LOT of these "friends" due to her former lifestyle (being involved in various womens groups, local politics, country club / yacht club type places), but has reduced them drastically to only real friends, of which she says aren't many.

Anyway, so this is good for her and I was suggesting to her last year at some point that any friends who make her feel bad about herself and don't accept her fully may not be very good friends.

ANYWAY, so I've noticed whenever she talks about this, she always makes a point of mentioning how I am a real friend to her, and her dearest friend. I think she's pre-empting me potentially feeling insecure (as she knows me so well), and also showing that she really values me as a friend.

So anyway, this week she's been quite social, going out for lunches and dinners, but she still always messages me during all of it, always says goodnight before she goes to bed, asks how I am and makes sure I'm ok. Yesterday we talked on the phone for an hour. I can't wait until she can come back up here again. I miss her.

I'm also not jealous of her other friends anymore.
This is great news. What a very thoughtful friend. Lucky to have each other.
 
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WhySoSerious

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I know how silly this is, but I hate it. HATE IT!!!! I want to be her BEST friend, and when she talks to or goes out with other friends, I feel like she doesn't like me as much!

WAH!!!! lol
Why did you just invalidate yourself? It isn't "silly" - its what it is.

It may be worthwhile thinking about what the issue actually is? What the emotion is when your friend goes out with other people? It is in proportion to the facts? What is the function of the emotion you feel?

For example: Jealousy gets us to defend things that are important to us. It may be proportionate if there is a real risk of the other person being taken away and at the same time if it is out of proportion then it may actually have the opposite effect of what is needed.

I wonder whether you can talk to her about it? Not in an emotional frame of mind but just so that she is clear on how you are feeling. You don't want to change her, just letting her know that it often feels X (I don't want to make assumptions).

One other things is whether you can do something completely different when she is out with friends? What do you tend to do when she is out? Sit moping? Passive-aggressiveness? Avoiding things that remind you of her? Ruminate on how rejected you feel? Go out with other people and do things that bring joy?
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Why did you just invalidate yourself? It isn't "silly" - its what it is.

It may be worthwhile thinking about what the issue actually is? What the emotion is when your friend goes out with other people? It is in proportion to the facts? What is the function of the emotion you feel?

For example: Jealousy gets us to defend things that are important to us. It may be proportionate if there is a real risk of the other person being taken away and at the same time if it is out of proportion then it may actually have the opposite effect of what is needed.

I wonder whether you can talk to her about it? Not in an emotional frame of mind but just so that she is clear on how you are feeling. You don't want to change her, just letting her know that it often feels X (I don't want to make assumptions).

One other things is whether you can do something completely different when she is out with friends? What do you tend to do when she is out? Sit moping? Passive-aggressiveness? Avoiding things that remind you of her? Ruminate on how rejected you feel? Go out with other people and do things that bring joy?
Well, when I said my feelings were "silly" I was sort of making a joke / being funny as I know my feelings, while always valid, were irrational.

My feelings of jealousy come from my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, and the fact she's my Favourite Person so...I want her to ALWAYS only want to be with me.

Anyway...what do I do when she's out? I don't know really, because I don't always know when she's out. lol. As I said in an earlier post (I think), she mostly lives in another state. Most of this year she's been there due to covid restrictions. Last year was the opposite and she was up here in the penthouse she owns in my building for most of the year, again due to covid restrictions. When she's here, we see each other every 2-3 days at least. When she's down there, we text everyday and talk on the phone 1-3 times a week usually.

But she has more friends down there and obviously we can't spend time together until she comes up here, so that adds to the strength of my feelings.

Anyway, so I don't live my life or adjust my activities according to what my friend is doing. I just do what I do. Sometimes that's nothing. Sometimes it's something.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Update - I'm angry at her again. lol.

Yesterday she texted me a few times, but I was asleep, and by the time I texted back, she was at an early dinner. She said she'd text after 8pm.

Wellllllll, that never happened, not even a goodnight text, and now it's the NEXT night and again nothing!

So. I'm not talking to her now. She can text me if she wants.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Update again - she called me and apologised for her lack of contact. She has been extra stressed and lost track of the days, was crying herself to sleep and such.

Anyway, on a different matter, I helped edit / write an email for her and it was very long and took me a few hours. I finally sent her the draft, and she emailed back only to mention the ONE thing I hadn't included.

Sigh. So now I feel completely inadequate, angry and resentful. The reason I left out that particular thing was because it was not helpful and was in fact, incorrect.

She has hand surgery tomorrow in hospital, is very stressed about it, has been fighting with both her adult kids and wishes she'd never had children. So...yeah. I can't even fully express my frustrations due to this. It's not the right time. It's a small thing. Her hand and wellbeing is what matters.
 
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