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I hate that my FP has other friends!

stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I know how silly this is, but I hate it. HATE IT!!!! I want to be her BEST friend, and when she talks to or goes out with other friends, I feel like she doesn't like me as much!

WAH!!!! lol
 
Maitri

Maitri

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Being honest with ourselves is a very big step.

Congrats!
 
Novastars

Novastars

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I used to feel like that to when it came to friendships: I wanted to be any friend's best friend and felt awful when they met other friends.

It's all to do with a lack of self worth and wanting to feel needed as a result - in my case.

Do you know why you feel the way you do @stevie_sloth?
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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I know how silly this is, but I hate it. HATE IT!!!! I want to be her BEST friend, and when she talks to or goes out with other friends, I feel like she doesn't like me as much!

WAH!!!! lol
Can you ask her to be your best friend? Can you tell her how you feel? I haven't had a best friend since primary school and I don't know this works.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I used to feel like that to when it came to friendships: I wanted to be any friend's best friend and felt awful when they met other friends.

It's all to do with a lack of self worth and wanting to feel needed as a result - in my case.

Do you know why you feel the way you do @stevie_sloth?
Hmm. I think there are a few reasons why.

1. My first ever best friend moved away at age 5,

2. My next best friend became critical of me and then drifted off at age 11,

3. I have BPD so I always feel somewhat dependent on my Favourite Person, and I like to feel needed by them, as otherwise I feel inadequate,

4. I'm easygoing with all my other friends. I don't show much emotion besides funny, happy, chatty. No deep feelings. Only my FP gets that, so I want them to feel the same...I don't want to be just another friend to them...

That's a few things...
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Can you ask her to be your best friend? Can you tell her how you feel? I haven't had a best friend since primary school and I don't know this works.
She already says I'm her best friend. That's already established, which I love. It's just my insecurity and possessiveness that doesn't want any other friends "threatening" that.

Oh, I remembered another big reason why I feel like this @Novastars ! It's because I'm often the friend someone has early on when they don't know many other people yet. At school, at my old workplaces...I'm their friend first, but then as they get to know other people, they tend to go off with them and I'm left behind. So I always feel like I'm ONLY a good friend when there are no other options.
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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Also, I don't have a favourite person but I wouldn't mind if they had other friends because this takes all the pressure off me and I can have time to myself, which I really need.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Also, I don't have a favourite person but I wouldn't mind if they had other friends because this takes all the pressure off me and I can have time to myself, which I really need.
I only feel this way with my other friends. I basically need time and space from everyone BUT my FP.
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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She already says I'm her best friend. That's already established, which I love. It's just my insecurity and possessiveness that doesn't want any other friends "threatening" that.

Oh, I remembered another big reason why I feel like this @Novastars ! It's because I'm often the friend someone has early on when they don't know many other people yet. At school, at my old workplaces...I'm their friend first, but then as they get to know other people, they tend to go off with them and I'm left behind. So I always feel like I'm ONLY a good friend when there are no other options.
Aaarrgh, this has happened to me and it made me so angry.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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AND in my first relationship (which was with my best friend - and FP - since we were 14, and we became a couple at age 18), after 3 years, we separated because she wasn't happy and I was very controlling and possessive. We reverted mostly back to "just friends" for 6 months, and then for the next 6 months we were in an open relationship. I wasn't interested in anyone else. She just wanted to be sexually free, have fun, but also still keep me. I get it. In hindsight, it obliterated my self esteem. I was not enough for her. Just me = not enough.

So...yeah. That's still in my head.
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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It probaby comes from an experience of rejection from a parent as a child. That's how it is for me.
 
Novastars

Novastars

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Oh, I remembered another big reason why I feel like this @Novastars ! It's because I'm often the friend someone has early on when they don't know many other people yet. At school, at my old workplaces...I'm their friend first, but then as they get to know other people, they tend to go off with them and I'm left behind. So I always feel like I'm ONLY a good friend when there are no other options.
That is so recognizable! I still experience that nowadays at times: I think I'm someone's good friend and then a new person shows up and it's bye bye Novastars and hello new friend. Indeed, it feels like they're putting up with you until someone better comes along.

I've BPD too but I'm not sure it's connected to having BPD? Unless we unknowingly act in a way that maybe others find difficult, so when a more average person comes along, the friend will go for them because they recognize that new person's behaviour better?

Having said that, friends with BPD have dropped me too over the years. For another person with BPD. So what I said before doesn't really make sense then. Hmm....need to think this over.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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That is so recognizable! I still experience that nowadays at times: I think I'm someone's good friend and then a new person shows up and it's bye bye Novastars and hello new friend. Indeed, it feels like they're putting up with you until someone better comes along.

I've BPD too but I'm not sure it's connected to having BPD? Unless we unknowingly act in a way that maybe others find difficult, so when a more average person comes along, the friend will go for them because they recognize that new person's behaviour better?

Having said that, friends with BPD have dropped me too over the years. For another person with BPD. So what I said before doesn't really make sense then. Hmm....need to think this over.
Yeah...lol. It's a bit confusing.

I think for me, I have always been a one best friend kind of person, or with a small group of close friends. So usually when someone becomes my friend, they're new to the school or workplace, I at the time have no real friends either, so we gravitate together. Then, as most normal people do as they get to know new people, they make more / other friends (plural). And once that happens, unless I also become friends with those other people (rarely), that one friend of mine drifts off.

So yeah...it's deeply ingrained in me that I am not enough.

With my FP now, I'm most comfortable when it's just us hanging out, or we're with other mutual friends but she isn't happy with them as they've done something she didn't like. lol. One time last year, we'd arranged to do something and then a new friend of hers kind of invited herself along. I was not happy and instantly felt inferior, so passive-aggressively volunteered not to go seeing as the other friend was there now, so my company wasn't needed. My FP wouldn't let me do that (she knows me VERY well, lol) and we all ended up going somewhere else. Where the other friend pissed her off. Now they're no longer friends. GOOD. lol

I'm actually fine with my FP's old friends. Some of them are my friends too now. I just don't want any NEW friends. Only me. lol
 
Novastars

Novastars

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Yeah...lol. It's a bit confusing.

I think for me, I have always been a one best friend kind of person, or with a small group of close friends. So usually when someone becomes my friend, they're new to the school or workplace, I at the time have no real friends either, so we gravitate together. Then, as most normal people do as they get to know new people, they make more / other friends (plural). And once that happens, unless I also become friends with those other people (rarely), that one friend of mine drifts off.

So yeah...it's deeply ingrained in me that I am not enough.

With my FP now, I'm most comfortable when it's just us hanging out, or we're with other mutual friends but she isn't happy with them as they've done something she didn't like. lol. One time last year, we'd arranged to do something and then a new friend of hers kind of invited herself along. I was not happy and instantly felt inferior, so passive-aggressively volunteered not to go seeing as the other friend was there now, so my company wasn't needed. My FP wouldn't let me do that (she knows me VERY well, lol) and we all ended up going somewhere else. Where the other friend pissed her off. Now they're no longer friends. GOOD. lol

I'm actually fine with my FP's old friends. Some of them are my friends too now. I just don't want any NEW friends. Only me. lol
Sound like your FP is a keeper and doesn't accept any self sabotaging actions from you. :clap:No wonder you're so keen to keep them to yourself.;)
 
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