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i hate myself

H

heyyallitsmileycyrus

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2019
Messages
1
Location
UK
i recently began taking antidepressants and was informed it would take weeks before id feel anything. id seen things online about peoples depression actually getting worse on them and i really dont know if thats the case for me or if im just in one of my lows right now. if someone here has had success with antidepressants, please tell me how long it took. what did you feel? did you feel anything?

i just want to be okay. just want to be fixed essentially. im on a therapy waiting list and my gp said id probably have to wait quite a while. unfortunately not in the financial situation to afford private at the moment so im just holding out i guess.

its almost like its flared up (the depression) like im just feeling so down and lonely. havent cried in a while dont think im capable of even doing that anymore. i just feel kind of numb?? but its like a pain numb. i dont know how to explain it. just kind of fed up. and you know what theres times where i wonder if im really depressed or just being dramatic, because the sadness gets worse at particular things. its not chronic or at least it doesnt seem that way, like im okay sometimes.

before i talked to my gp i had pretty bad suicidal thoughts. theyve came back alongside other things. i just hate myself. i hate everything about myself. i want to be someone else. ive been dwelling a lot on the suicide lately, i dont think ill do anything but i have thought if my parents didnt care and my friends didnt care id kill myself. i feel like theres nothing for me and nothing i can provide for anyone. i just feel like a waste. the only thing holding me back is this really, besides a small bit of hope for the future. im trying to hold onto this.

i just feel worthless? like its so bad, i am so ugly. im so stupid. forgetful, make careless mistakes, dont listen. a bit of an ass to be around. god sometimes i just look in the mirror and just realise how awful i look; acne, droopy eyelid, huge nose. just look bad. i find it hard to concentrate on things, or do anything really. and forget peoples names right after they tell me, or forget details theyve told me. having conversations with people is such a demanding mental task for me, it doesnt feel comfortable. i just ruin it every time and make it so unbearable. i just wish i could function normally.

and you know whats really awful? i get angry at others, im so moody and awful to people. its hard to be genuinely nice and smiley. and i get angry at people who have mental illness but have friends and go out and have lives. like people who are genuinely troubled with depression and anxiety and ill just be in this low point hating myself and perpetuating these thoughts, and then ill see these people but theyre so pretty and have been in relationships and have friends and have fun. like i dont know their lives. but when i see that i get so upset. and it just makes everything worse. like, am i that bad? ive never been in a relationship, never been liked that way. only have a few friends, they're drifting. dont go out. haven't really done much. my life is so underwhelming. its not going to get better.

i wish i was content with things. i never feel comfortable in my own skin. always feel inadequate and lesser than others. like im undeserving of the same things as others. i wish id stop going into these low points and just be okay and normal. im so lonely but i isolate myself from people and dont talk to people. i want to express to my friends so bad how im just not doing okay and that i really appreciate them. i cant bring myself to say anything. i want to tell someone that i just wish i was dead and feel awful but thats not something you can just casually say. i dont want to burden anyone with anything and make them think its their fault. but i need to let stuff out and its so hard when you feel like you have no one. i wish i could just disappear or do like a hard reset on my life and just try again.

just hoping the therapy will do something. its like my thoughts keep clashing between keeping up hope for the therapy and just wanting to disappear or die. and i go back and forth. im just so defeated.

i wish i could just lie in my bed all day and just wither away.

sorry if i rambled and sorry this is long. i just feel like i have no one so if anyone can relate or just say something please do. have you been to therapy? did it work?

thanks for getting to here
 
calypso

calypso

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Messages
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:welcome: to the forum. I think what you have written is the perfect description of someone in a major depression. Most of it feels this way because depression causes tunnel vision with our thoughts and we can't see outside that particular box.

Anti depressants do work for some. I had to be tried on 6 different types till I found the ones which worked with me. They don't make you feel happy, just more able to cope with life. Don't give up on trying them. I think therapy is a really good idea and I hope you get more than the few offered by the GP surgeries.

Don't be afraid to go back again and again to your GP if you don't think the meds you are on are right for you. Remember our taxes pay their wages so don't feel you are being a nuisance or anything. Keep the pressure up on them to help you.
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,755
Hi, don't know what else to add that Calypso hasn't said, just I hope things improve for you and try to keep coming here and giving support X
 
F

Fishandchips

New member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Glasgow
:welcome: to the forum. I think what you have written is the perfect description of someone in a major depression. Most of it feels this way because depression causes tunnel vision with our thoughts and we can't see outside that particular box.

Anti depressants do work for some. I had to be tried on 6 different types till I found the ones which worked with me. They don't make you feel happy, just more able to cope with life. Don't give up on trying them. I think therapy is a really good idea and I hope you get more than the few offered by the GP surgeries.

Don't be afraid to go back again and again to your GP if you don't think the meds you are on are right for you. Remember our taxes pay their wages so don't feel you are being a nuisance or anything. Keep the pressure up on them to help you.
I have pleaded with my psychiatrist to change my meds but she won’t. Meanwhile I have to suffer the most horrendous mornings where I feel suicidal and can’t face the day. Anyone any coping techniques for dealing with empty feelings and tired from lack of sleep.
 
calypso

calypso

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Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,581
Location
Lancashire
Can they not give you something temporarily to help you sleep. Lack of sleep is the number one thing which alters our experiences for the worse. When you are in this state, its hard to do any exercises to help yourself, isn't it? I don't know if it will help but there are some things which might help you.

How do I start practicing mindfulness? | Mental Health Forum
 
L

Lonely Planet

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
61
Location
UK
I also felt worse after starting the anti depressants (Sertraline) and took an OD and ended up in hospital. I'm not blaming the drugs because I felt pretty shit at the time but maybe this was the case. After 6 weeks on it I do feel better. ish.
 
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