• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I hate myself right now for a good reason

L

LeftorRight

New member
Joined
Oct 5, 2020
Messages
4
Location
US
I'll start off by saying this:

I love my dad. I have a close, special bond with him. I would never wish him harm. However, today I remembered something that I cannot write off as insignificant.

A few months ago, I was having a conversation with my dad. He must have said something that I thought was immoral or went a bit too far. Nothing that made me angry or even upset, just something that bothered me a little bit. It was so insignificant that I don't remember what it was.

Afterwards, I was in my room thinking. I remember thinking something along the lines of how, after someone dies, people tend to romanticize their life and actions, even if they weren't such a good person. I was thinking about how I want to have a good memory of my dad, and I was writing some random thoughts out, and I wrote something along the lines of "I wish you would die so I could have a positive memory of you".

I was very aware the whole time that I didn't actually feel this way about my dad. I love my dad. I knew that I would never wish that he would die. The thought wasn't even necessarily about him. It was more that I was just observing a strange, interesting thought and I wanted to write it out.

I left it there and thought it was a just a thought-provoking thought in general and forgot about it. I want to stress that there was no moment in my life where I ever actually wished my father would die.

I just remembered this thought today and the guilt is eating away at me. I imagine my dad storming out of the room in tears if he saw it. I imagine my family hating me and feeling disgusted at my thoughts/writing. I don't know how I can recover from this one. Throughout today I've had moments where I'm like "this is stupid, obviously you never actually believed that you wanted him to die, it was just a weird idea you put out there" but mostly I feel terrible. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my therapist or anyone around me.
 
Keesha

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
1,590
Location
N/A
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
If the thoughts you are thinking don’t serve you or make you feel good, then change your thoughts.
You are the thinker.

Be kind and considerate with yourself. Treat yourself like you’d like to be treated regardless of what others think.

I can relate perfectly with what you are getting at. It’s ok to have a dysfunctional family. It’s ok not to wear your rose coloured classes and pretty up a toxic relationship. Not all parents should have been parents so don’t punish yourself for acknowledging it. It is what it is and it’s ok.
Acceptance of what is helps a lot.
 
L

LeftorRight

New member
Joined
Oct 5, 2020
Messages
4
Location
US
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
If the thoughts you are thinking don’t serve you or make you feel good, then change your thoughts.
You are the thinker.

Be kind and considerate with yourself. Treat yourself like you’d like to be treated regardless of what others think.

I can relate perfectly with what you are getting at. It’s ok to have a dysfunctional family. It’s ok not to wear your rose coloured classes and pretty up a toxic relationship. Not all parents should have been parents so don’t punish yourself for acknowledging it. It is what it is and it’s ok.
Acceptance of what is helps a lot.
Thank you for the response, it means a lot. But I want to emphasize that my family is not dysfunctional, and I love and respect my dad. He's never done anything to make me feel like he is abusive or toxic. That's why this sucks. This thought was completely out of left field and I have never even felt this way about him. I just know that I will have to experience an indefinite period of time now feeling awful because I don't know how to manage my guilt. This time it feels like I have crossed a line.
 
Keesha

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
1,590
Location
N/A
Thank you for the response, it means a lot. But I want to emphasize that my family is not dysfunctional, and I love and respect my dad. He's never done anything to make me feel like he is abusive or toxic. That's why this sucks. This thought was completely out of left field and I have never even felt this way about him. I just know that I will have to experience an indefinite period of time now feeling awful because I don't know how to manage my guilt. This time it feels like I have crossed a line.
And that’s ok too. Minds have dysfunctions of their own at times. I’ll go back to my original message and that’s to not invest in any thoughts that make you feel bad. The reason we have guilt is to help navigate our moral compass. It reminds us that we have a consciousness. If we use it to continuously beat ourselves up, it’s not doing us any good.

My husband is constantly telling me that my mind won’t allow me to just be happy. It has to constantly scrutinize over what thoughts make me feel bad and latch onto those, only to replay them over and over again. It’s not only torturous, it’s exhausting.

Switch your negative thought to something neutral like .... I notice the uncomfortable thought I’m having.

Notice how the thought makes you feel and make a decision to invest in thoughts that make you feel good like,..... it’s ok to have unusual thoughts. I don’t have to judge myself as a bad person just because I have unusual thoughts.

If you can’t let go of the thought, then transform it gradually to something less condemning of yourself. It’s ok to have imperfect thoughts.
 
T

TwixBars

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2020
Messages
2
Location
New York, NY, USA
Howdy, just felt I should reply cause I have gone through similar situations hundreds of times (millions of thoughts a day, my OCD can find at least a few to make me feel guilty about often enough). You seem to be navigating this new, so a little reassurance: that particular thought is a beyond normal thought. Everybody once in a while has a thought like I wish that person were dead etc. even if they love that person with all their heart. That is not a thought you have to "change." As in this is NOT a situation where it's "OK because you can learn from it and you can fix your thoughts overtime." It's OK period. You don't have to fix anything. Nothing at all to be ashamed of, guilty for, worried about. And I promise you, you can tell your therapist about that thought and the only thing they'll be shocked about is how normal it is!

Now more broadly... excessive guilt is super common with OCD. So are intrusive thoughts and its a tough combination. Many people with OCD find themselves obsessing over things like violence, sex etc. And its hard to explain these thoughts to someone without OCD because the common response of "everybody has those thoughts" doesn't always apply. Thus people, including myself, will be wracked with shame and guilt for having the thoughts. Do they mean I'm a bad person? Do they mean I actually want the things I'm thinking about? Nope, no, they do not. They are simply intrusive thoughts that OCD is pushing upon you and then making you feel guilty about.

Now i'm not sure how much of my ramble applies to you but I hope some does and I hope it helps.
 
L

LeftorRight

New member
Joined
Oct 5, 2020
Messages
4
Location
US
Howdy, just felt I should reply cause I have gone through similar situations hundreds of times (millions of thoughts a day, my OCD can find at least a few to make me feel guilty about often enough). You seem to be navigating this new, so a little reassurance: that particular thought is a beyond normal thought. Everybody once in a while has a thought like I wish that person were dead etc. even if they love that person with all their heart. That is not a thought you have to "change." As in this is NOT a situation where it's "OK because you can learn from it and you can fix your thoughts overtime." It's OK period. You don't have to fix anything. Nothing at all to be ashamed of, guilty for, worried about. And I promise you, you can tell your therapist about that thought and the only thing they'll be shocked about is how normal it is!

Now more broadly... excessive guilt is super common with OCD. So are intrusive thoughts and its a tough combination. Many people with OCD find themselves obsessing over things like violence, sex etc. And its hard to explain these thoughts to someone without OCD because the common response of "everybody has those thoughts" doesn't always apply. Thus people, including myself, will be wracked with shame and guilt for having the thoughts. Do they mean I'm a bad person? Do they mean I actually want the things I'm thinking about? Nope, no, they do not. They are simply intrusive thoughts that OCD is pushing upon you and then making you feel guilty about.

Now i'm not sure how much of my ramble applies to you but I hope some does and I hope it helps.
Hey, thanks so much for the response. It helps a lot to know that this is normal. I posted on another forum and someone else more-or-less said the same thing as you, which helped me overcome this particular obsession.

Funny thing is, this isn't new for me at all. I have a long, complex history with excessive guilt, shame, and ultimately self-loathing. However, every time I get enveloped into a new obsession, it's always "this one's different" and "this time you deserve to feel this way". The feelings hit just as hard as they did the first time. The only difference now is that I have some small awareness that it's OCD, but that doesn't always help.

I completely relate to you. Sometimes I'll have obsessions that are actually about unusual or sometimes even wrong thoughts/events. But instead of moving on with my life, I'll ruminate about them for hours, days, months, even years sometimes.

Thanks for the words of reassurance though. I really appreciate it.
 
Top