I hate myself and my life (not suiccidal, but wish I would not live).

T

t1234

New member
Joined
Dec 10, 2018
Messages
1
#1
Feeling really shit right now so felt like typing about it.
I know it won't change anything nor have I ever been on a forum before similar to this. But just felt like typing it down regardless. I will most likely not even revisit this post, so don´t waste time writing comments.

So this is my life, I am currently 25 soon 26. When I turned 13 I slowly started to sink into "depression". I cut all contacts with RL friends even if I still stayed "happy" and friendly during school hours. I never had someone visit me after school, I made sure of it. Always made excuses to be left alone.

The reason why this started was due to family issues. I used to live in this perfect little bubble, with my mom dad big sister and me. I was very protected and innocent. Being taught how to act and feel and help others, I was very empathic for a guy my age. I loved making others feel happy and when I saw someone get bullied or hurt I felt their pain. And made sure to step in and make the person who was beeing mean feel small instead. I always did it verbally, I knew everybody very well and I knew what I could say to anybody to make them feel sad and lift the bullied person up. I was very well liked by both girls and boys but mainly girls. I asume it was the fact that I was both really good at sports and kind.

When I turned 10 the "bubble" cracked, since my mother and father out of the blue decided to take a divorce. It endd poorly and I became the middleman, they basically communicated through me.
WhenI turned 13 the bubble bursted and I felt like there was no point to try and be happy anymore, reasoning was that my father had decided to cut contact with my sister. And I was basically forced to keep seeing my dad since my mom wanted me to have a father figure.
So I did, my father was a role model to me.. everything he said I saw as truth. He started to S-talk my mom a lot and so did his new gf. It infected me so much to the point I still disslike my mother today. Even doh she is a angle that I do not deserve. I have cut all contact with my dad since about 2 years ago.

During 13-15 when I was in high school my "depression" devoloped into something very demoralizing. I hated myself and everything about my life. I started to stop taking in how other people felt, became addicted to gaming and being alone. There was nothing worse for me than to be forced to try and be social outside off school. Even in school I started to pull back and become the silent one.

...TLDR, I have tried to get help from several people, tried medicine, tried working and studying.. it has reached the point where over 10 years off my life just past by without me knowing it. I have a shitty job that I hate, no proper education, no desire to do anything. No goals.. and if I have a goal I instantly deny it by knowing it wont work out.
No friends and I do not want any either, nor a gf. I kind want a gf but it is not something I can really speculate about seeing how much I hate myself and my situation. I could not have someone else in my life.

So 1) I am too much of a pussy to kms
2) I don´t want help since I have gotten it so many times but for no result
3) I hate waking up going to work coming home.

I know this was typed very poorly, its 2am for me and I need to wake up in 4 hours.. just had to type this down fast. Hopefully it makes someone else happy knowing I fucked up more than 10 years off my life and have nothing but more shit to expect for my next 10 years :) Stuck at shitty work forced to stay to pay bills, etc "yay" f me..
To anyone else who feels hope for themselves.. go talk with someone asap. Don´t be like me and wait until it is too late. I see no return for me. Have a nice life.
 
P

PeopleRtheWalkingDead2me

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 22, 2018
Messages
68
Location
Texas
#2
I got ya t,
The most important thing, at least from the way I look at this whole mess, is that you know what's going on... That was the first baby step for me at least.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,295
Location
Hell
#4
if you look for help, but have the mindset that you won't get anything out of it, then no it won't work

the steps to making your life more satisfying, starts with you, relying on "things" to make you happy or to magically turn your life around never works long term

you might have heard all this before, but its true, there's only so much other people or services can do to help, the rest of it is up to you
 
P

PeopleRtheWalkingDead2me

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 22, 2018
Messages
68
Location
Texas
#5
if you look for help, but have the mindset that you won't get anything out of it, then no it won't work

the steps to making your life more satisfying, starts with you, relying on "things" to make you happy or to magically turn your life around never works long term

you might have heard all this before, but its true, there's only so much other people or services can do to help, the rest of it is up to you
Amen Brother
 

Similar threads