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I hate myself and I don't know what to do.

C

clearskys3

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2014
Messages
4
Lately it has been really bad in my head. I have been dealing with some very frustrating and concerning medical issues for about 5 months now and in those 5 months my thoughts have been out of control. We finally think it may be pelvic floor dysfunction anyways the symptoms are very concerning for a 19 year old male.... Anyways I feel for the most part I was more depressed before these issues and since they have hit me my head has just been clouded with nothing but anxiety and I can not even think straight. I couldn't even think about how unhappy I am, I can't even picture what I would want to be happy anymore...

In the past 2 weeks or so I think a big part of the depression came back but the anxiety is here as well, its like I just haven't been able to think but now its so strong its over coming the anxiety again. I feel absoultely fucking insane and hopelessly alone. I hate myself more and more each day. I hate my thoughts, I hate my unsureness,I hate my confusion, I hate my low self esteem, I hate my anxiety, I hate that I can't even be comfortable with myself.

My anxiety has been so ridiculously bad that I am stressing and worrying about the most ridiculous things that have never even been a thought or concern for 19 years! It's driving me mad one moment I will reassure myself and know and the next its like I completely fucking lost it and that realization and the other 19 years of not worrying about it and being confident never happened and im lost. Every single day I am trapped in my head with this unsettleing feeling in my gut, i feel unsure about everything and I just want to die. My life doesn't even consist of people, its just a constant struggle in my head. It is literally like my mind is out to make me as miserable as possible. There will be moments were i kind of step out of my head and see as a whole again instead of being lost in this moment of anxiety and realize how ridiculous it is but it never lasts.

I honestly could not imagine some one loving me, I have never made someone love me for me. And its easy to say things like love or a relationship will come but I think life is more fucking plain then we like to think, theres no fucking fate, no magic, its nice and reassuring to believe but things just don't fucking happen. Essentially I have no hope left and I cant even envision what I used to want more than anything anymore...

I pretty much self harm every night the past week, which I never would think I would hurt myself in this way because I always found it ridiculous but I just hate myself so fucking much and I didnt think about it,no one sees me without a shirt anyways...

I just feel like I cant stand it anymore and I really just hope every night I dont wake up. I have been unhappy since i was 15 and the past 8 months or so have been so horrible that I don't know what the fuck to do, i literally constantly feel like im going insane and I have no one i can talk to or that would care and i just want to die and not ever have to have another destructive, self loathing, anxiety ridden thought again.

I dont even know why I wrote this.
 
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Parissa

Parissa

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 22, 2014
Messages
234
Location
Bedford
Are you with the community mental health team? If not then see your GP. You need help with this.

It's important you love not hate yourself.

Love Parissa
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Messages
756
Location
Isle of Wight
You wrote that because you want help and you will get it here. Plus if you haven't seen your GP I would do that and get yourself into the system.

You are amongst friends here
Davey x
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
You've reached out for help here, which is a good start but, as the others said, you really do need to talk to your GP or mental health team, if you have one, as soon as you can.

Suffering with physical problems often exacerbates, or can even cause, mental health issues. You've had quite a bit going on so it's no wonder you are feeling stressed and anxious. Please try to stop hurting yourself. It's a negative way of trying to deal with what you are feeling and going through but there is help out there if you are willing to ask for it.

Oh, you can't make people love you. It's something that happens and can't be forced. I truly believe that there's someone out there for everyone. You're so young and obviously feeling cynical and in a lot of pain. With the right help there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to lead a more stable and happier life.

I do wish you well and hope that you are feeling a lot better soon.
 
M

Mastiff mom

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
1,157
Location
Washington,DC
Dear Clearsky , I'm glad you did write about what you're feeling. I care about you and I'm sure others do too a few years ago I was diagnosed with pelvic floor disorder and it's not an easy thing to get through. Whether you believe it or not, you are a valuable, love able pterson. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. Big hugs.
 
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