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i hate myself and everyone else does too

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sagee_!912

Member
Joined
May 4, 2018
Messages
18
hi, so i have a lot of problems from a previous abusive relationship, the biggest atm being my depression, the crazy low self esteem that came with it, and how much i hate myself. Like do you ever hate someone so much you can literally physically feel it and when youre around them you just wanna punch them lol,,, it's like that, but towards myself. and i cant escape myself, except maybe dying. i think i am absolutely worthless and just an unlovable person. i think everyone else feels this way about me too. no one will ever love me, ill never find anyone, i dont have many friends, and even the very few i do dont really seem to care. im never anyones first choice, no one ever checks up on me, no one cares. if i didnt reach out to people i just wouldnt talk to anyone. i completely isolated myself for a month a while ago and nobody asked where i was or if i was ok. i couldve been dead and no one would know, or care. i think no one would care if i died, im such a burden. my family hates me too. i immediately think EVERYONE hates me, no matter what. even if i dont know them. i even think everyone on this forum hates me and im burdening everyone. i dont know how to handle it anymore. i am SO lonely and empty and done. i dont deserve anything and i want to die just so i can leave everyone alone. god i really hate myself so much, there are no words to express how worthless i feel. and i really truly feel nobody really cares. and even if they do, im not loved and i never will be. i mean what guy wants to be with someone whos so unstable and messed up. people dont like baggage. or someone whos not special, whos annoying, and has nothing to offer. someone whos going create a relationship that requires SO much work and effort because of what somebody did to me in the past. sometimes i wanna commit suicide just to make people realize they should have cared, or at least shown it. you know the saying, nobody cares until youre dead. im sorry, i know that sounds really bad but its how i feel. i dont know what to do. im sorry that was kinda all over the place. please help. i have no one
 
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scaredofmyownshadow

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2018
Messages
8
I don't know what to say to help you, but I can promise you that not everyone hates you. I think it's mostly how you see yourself, and that low self-esteem sort of gets projected to others in a way that they pick up (subconsciously perhaps) and then they react by doing exactly the opposite of what you need them to be doing, by keeping themselves a little bit aloof from you.

I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. You sound quite young - well younger than me anyway(!). My childhood involved many years of abuse and I have always been a fairly depressive person with very low self-esteem. Nowadays, as my name suggests, fear and anxiety are added to the list and I have some health issues that are terrifying me too. I have lived for many years in a country foreign to my own and with a very different culture, I am alone here and, like you said, if I didn't speak to anyone they would walk straight past me as though I were invisible. Recently I had a bad bout of gastro-enteritis, three days sitting on the loo with a bowl on my lap and wishing I were dead. Where I am is like a very small "community" and everyone sees me outside every day, but not one person came to see if I was okay, no-one missed me, no-one could have cared less. All my family is overseas, no-one writes to me unless I make contact first and my daughter doesn't seem to care whether I am alive or dead. There are a lot of people around but I have never felt so lonely and alone in my entire life. So I understand at least a little where you are coming from.

I think the best thing you could have done right now is to post on this website. From my own experience, I know that when I am in a very dark place, I feel that there is only me there. Reaching out in a place like this you very quickly learn that you are not the only one there, and somehow this helps a lot - even though you don't want others to be suffering the same things, it is reassuring to make that connection because you can be sure that these other people really do understand and care about you, and also will take the time to listen. Once that awful feeling of isolation disappears, that dark place doesn't seem quite so dark and the burden of living every day doesn't seem quite so heavy.

We can all hopefully try to help each other on a site like this. I have already encountered some very kind people and I'm sure you will also find some comfort and reassurance here, and perhaps someone who can advise you in some practical ways. You are not alone here, you are definitely not hated by anyone here either, and I for one wish I could just give you a hug! Lots of love to you.
 
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