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I hate my mother and I hate myself for it.

Rusko

Rusko

Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
20
Location
UK
Hello, I'm nearly 25 and I hate my mother but I do not fully understand where my hate comes from but I will try to explain everything from the beginning and maybe you will not tell me that I am a complete piece of sh*t because that is how I feel but can't really make myself change how I feel about her. I just want to make clear that I do not think that I have any mental issue I think except ADHD and suffered from depression in my teenage ears.

My mother was never a type who would beat me, abuse me in any way, insult me or scream at me. She would give her life for me if she could. Of course, there were a few cases. She beat me once when I was maybe 5 because I went out to see a circus and I did not come back for the dinner and she was very worried but then she promised she would never hit me again and that is what actually happened. My mother has basic education, she finished high school and could not afford to go to university because I was born. My father was an abusive alcoholic who apparently did not take care of me and beat both my mother and spilt boiling oil on my grandmother yet, I do not feel even feel as much hate towards him as I feel towards my mother who raised me, gave me a place to sleep, cared for me and food. They divorced soon before I had any memories of my father being with my mom. After I reached 11 I never saw him until I was now 25 because he was in jail for not paying aliments which I never saw anyway.

My mother never bothered to teach me any life lessons, nor give me basic life education, you know, for example, what does it mean having responsibilities, duties, manners, not talking about any social usances. The earliest memories I have that she was studying to finish A levels and then pretty much moved to another country, I was 8 back then, to provide for both me and my grandmother whom rent was not enough to pay for bills and my elementary school books, we were close to eviction so I basically raised myself alone with my grandmother until I was 13 until my grandmother realised that she has enough of me and stated that or she will take me away or I am going to live with my father. The second was not an option, I might as well live in an orphanage, it would be the same, so I decided to move to my mom in another country.

I was always a very timid child which helped me in developing social anxiety, now that I am 25 I still fight with it, to be honest. I was always a pacifist by nature, but only because I was too scared to face pain and social situations that I never learned to understand or embrace because I never had a paternal figure, it only made me hold more hate insight me as it was not channelled well enough, that is the only reason why maybe I have such a cynical optimist behaviour, and it is optimistic because I always kept fighting my nihilistic nature. You will always see me smile, but deep down something ugly lies. I also never learned effective decision making, I was always split between right and left which follows me until today. I feel that I have some deep bitterness inside me that I am fighting very hard to dissolve.

When I reached 13 I moved to my mother, we had financial problems almost all 7 years that I stayed with her until I reached maturity and decided to move out. It was that bad that not only I had a stepfather that did not work and abused me mentally by screaming and me and sometimes even raising his hands on me and my belongings such as barely working computer and the only thing that was making me happy back then- videogames which I am fighting against the addiction today, but my mother never showed any kind of support except making sure that I always have something to eat, she tried to engage in some conversations but her behaviour and impulsiveness in talking language discouraged any opening from my side. She, of course, rebelled against my step-father but never taking any major change. It was always just arguing with no conclusion.

I finished middle school with excellency for that reasons teachers pushed me to pursue my education in the best high school, I chose the last day of the summer I remember, and I could not afford school books. I had to work abusively on the side on the weekends to afford them only during the second semester in the year, which made me fail most of my exams, shame at school for not having books or not doing my homework, teachers were hardly understandable because of it, not considering that because of the abuse at home and total absence of the mother interventions I had depression without even knowing it. It wasn't bad enough to call social workers but even if it was I would like to move to an orphanage of any sort. That was not an option.

Also, I had severe acne that started when I was 13 and persevered until I was 21, because of which I did not have many relationships and totally destroyed my confidence and social skills. My mother refused to take me to a dermatologist because she thought that was totally normal to have pimples big like a coca-cola bottle cup on your forehead, which to this day I have scars that always help to make me feel more secure and appreciative of her caring. Gladly that is something that I already accepted and dealt with seeking help on my own when I moved out. But to this day I have an acne problem and I'm 25.

My mother was drinking since I remember but she drinks at least a glass of whisky/vodka or some wine since I was 13 EVERY SINGLE DAY until today, and she smokes nearly a pack a day of cigarettes. She, of course, refuses to admit she is an abusive drinker, she justifies it that she does not drink to be unconscious, but that does not make it better.
This is something that not only disgusts me but also totally confuses me. She always had money for these abuses but she did not have money to buy me school books, speaking rationally to her was a waste of time because I attempted many times for both my and her sake as I cared for her health. Because I was constantly abused by my stepfather mainly mentally to a point where he was even telling me how much I can eat or how much warm water I am using, I decided to drop out from high school and moved out as I was near self-harm or killing him. The reason why I did not get into smoking and drinking and possibly drug abusing is mostly a miracle. I tried my share but I prioritised other things.

She totally failed to acknowledge to this day all the bad that she did to me, both indirectly and directly, which I cannot ignore, It would be enough a simple apology, but the fact that she refuses to see what she failed to do or provide me when I was younger simple makes me despise her, especially when she thinks that the person I am today it is totally thanks to her and that she did a great job in raising me. Sorry mom, not really thanks to you, you're not someone I would consider an example to follow, all I appreciate in my mother is her infinite love towards me and her determination in never giving up and providing to both me and my grandmother when I was younger but I cannot forgive her self-harm in between and total indifference towards the way she was raising me, yes I was free and back then was great, but now I realised that I lacked discipline. I understand she tried bad, she provided me with a roof, she gave me food but she has all bad qualities I despise in a person, not only that. I totally disagree with her way of being, living and decision making.

Now that I am 25, she developed asthma because of smoking, she has only 1 kidney and she also had a stroke recently, which I attribute to her poor habits, she refuses to take care of herself and she has such childish behaviour and poor language that I am simply ashamed to be her son, and trust me I saw worst mothers than her, she does actually care from deep of her heart about me.

She never kept promises apart few exceptions, hers are only words, she promised me so many things that now when she says something I let it in and let it out. I never had a birthday cake, except those that my sort of friends made me, I hate birthdays to this day, makes me feel anxious. If I had children I would never present them to her, today I told her that I hate her and I would prefer that she died already to spare me losing patience over her irresponsible behaviour because I am seriously done on trying to care for a walking cadaver, we both cried after what was said. I felt sorry for that. But I realised I am done with toxic behaviour of my mother, I do not like her as a person and she refuses to stop for once and listen to me. Our conversations are monologues, its only her talking, always. And when I talk, it feels like she does not understand what I say. I hate the fact that she loves me with all her heart but she fails to take care of herself. She is 42 and she weighs 50kg, she looks like an anorexic.

I just want to know, why I feel that my mother is so responsible for my present self, even tho I am a self-analysing person and ALWAYS tried to divert from that hate-blame foolishness towards her, and started to blame myself for not being good enough to find a way to deal with these issues.

I have a stable job now, I never started university because I never finished my education then I moved out to yet another country, I never finished A levels but I fully feel like I have all the right to blame my mother for my current condition and her lack of support, the point is that I just don't want to, it feels so belittling. There was always emotional support from her, but that seems like nothing to me as I feel like I was always an introvert, always on my own and she never understood me anyway. I do not want to blame her for what is done, but on the other hand, I hardly can let go what happened until she admits that this is something that happened and she fails to acknowledge it.

Now tell me where all this hate is coming from and why I hate probably the only person that truly loves me but has issues like every other human being on this Earth?
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
Hello Rusko
now that is interesting that you don’t have ambivalence towards your father. Maybe unconsciously you needed your mother to protect you from your father. And that is at the root maybe? Just a thought.

In regards to your mother as tough as this sounds what I am about to say…but you are now responsible for your life you are now an adult and may one day have children yourself. My life has similar issue regarding the total lack of life lessons. I have had to forgive my mother and indeed my father for not teaching me life lessons.

All you can do is start on with your own life and start teaching yourself about life lessons and skills I know I have had to. And it has helped me really cos I don’t depend on others to fill that void oh sure in my younger days the parental surrogate thingie, I seemed to do but thankfully I am through that season. I am my own person. so yeah there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to work at it.

It sounds like your mother had a really tough time having to be the father as well as your mother and to look after your grandmother quite some feat and all with a basic education!! Well that is truly amazing and remarkable. richer folk tend to buy their way out of trouble ie get a nanny to look after their children.

Regarding your timidity there are lots of things on the net to self educate yourself with for example there are things about self confidence I am sure.

Regarding making decisions these are hard to make and keep to when you don’t really know yourself that well. So really I would encourage you to take the time to self educate yourself in the personal development area.
 
Rusko

Rusko

Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
20
Location
UK
Thank you for your reply @blacksmoke , I am working on my self-development and I made astonishing progress in all aspects of my life in the past 4 years.

I am very blessed and fortunate for many things, but somehow I hate my mother for being who she is, and that makes my soul cry, why I cannot accept her the way she is, or what she does to herself. From where is coming my despise?
 
Rusko

Rusko

Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
20
Location
UK
now that is interesting that you don’t have ambivalence towards your father. Maybe unconsciously you needed your mother to protect you from your father. And that is at the root maybe? Just a thought.
Well, that is probably because all he did was disappearing from my life, I never felt him present and can't find many things that I blame him for. I do not even consider him my father.

In regards to your mother as tough as this sounds what I am about to say…but you are now responsible for your life you are now an adult and may one day have children yourself. My life has similar issue regarding the total lack of life lessons. I have had to forgive my mother and indeed my father for not teaching me life lessons.
I am fully aware of that, yet somehow somewhere inside me I feel bitterness for what I did not have, instead of appreciation for what I actually had. I never was a person to blame others for my mistakes. But I would put some serious responsibilities on me if I had a child, and the way she acted does not agree with my idea of a good parent and an example to follow but maybe that is normal.


It sounds like your mother had a really tough time having to be the father as well as your mother and to look after your grandmother quite some feat and all with a basic education!! Well that is truly amazing and remarkable. richer folk tend to buy their way out of trouble ie get a nanny to look after their children.
She truly did her best, but I know she could have done better if she wanted to. Instead she fell victim to her own habits and I both blame her and myself for allowing her that, which inevitably lead to who she is now.
 
M

mr.s0lodol0

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
2
Location
SF
Rusko think the way you feel is totally normal. Think the hate for your mother stems from hate of yourself. Gotta learn to love yourself and what you've come from. Your home situation growing up sounds like its led you to be an incomplete person which is probably why you are hating your mother. I have dealt with something similar growing up with a schizo dad and a loving mother doing all she can. But coming into my adulthood and finally moving out of the house at age 23 I realize the damage that has occurred from the years of mental torment from my schizo father. I never learned much life lessons from the both but damn sure picked up on the hard work they endured to make a living. Gratefully, although I severely struggled like you said, no discipline, I still continued my college education which I'm wrapping it up (its NEVER too late!). I find myself sitting in class often wondering about my father and how hes lived his life. He constantly hated on my family saying things such as we're worthless and hating my mother side of the family (this is where the schizophrenia probably kicked in). The verbal abuse from my father led me to never pursue relationships, breaking it off with every girl that wanted to come into my life. I resorted to the good old maryjane as my main lady, which I'm still trying to figure whether I love or hate her. But as another post stated we're now grown adults and have our lives to live. As tough as it seems you gotta look at yourself as a BAD MOTHERFUCKER for surviving the ordeal you've gone through. You know who you are and who you want to be. Living life in hate leads to a dark tunnel of nothingness. Learn to Love.
 
C

Charlene89

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
13
Hello, I'm nearly 25 and I hate my mother but I do not fully understand where my hate comes from but I will try to explain everything from the beginning and maybe you will not tell me that I am a complete piece of sh*t because that is how I feel but can't really make myself change how I feel about her. I just want to make clear that I do not think that I have any mental issue I think except ADHD and suffered from depression in my teenage ears.

My mother was never a type who would beat me, abuse me in any way, insult me or scream at me. She would give her life for me if she could. Of course, there were a few cases. She beat me once when I was maybe 5 because I went out to see a circus and I did not come back for the dinner and she was very worried but then she promised she would never hit me again and that is what actually happened. My mother has basic education, she finished high school and could not afford to go to university because I was born. My father was an abusive alcoholic who apparently did not take care of me and beat both my mother and spilt boiling oil on my grandmother yet, I do not feel even feel as much hate towards him as I feel towards my mother who raised me, gave me a place to sleep, cared for me and food. They divorced soon before I had any memories of my father being with my mom. After I reached 11 I never saw him until I was now 25 because he was in jail for not paying aliments which I never saw anyway.

My mother never bothered to teach me any life lessons, nor give me basic life education, you know, for example, what does it mean having responsibilities, duties, manners, not talking about any social usances. The earliest memories I have that she was studying to finish A levels and then pretty much moved to another country, I was 8 back then, to provide for both me and my grandmother whom rent was not enough to pay for bills and my elementary school books, we were close to eviction so I basically raised myself alone with my grandmother until I was 13 until my grandmother realised that she has enough of me and stated that or she will take me away or I am going to live with my father. The second was not an option, I might as well live in an orphanage, it would be the same, so I decided to move to my mom in another country.

I was always a very timid child which helped me in developing social anxiety, now that I am 25 I still fight with it, to be honest. I was always a pacifist by nature, but only because I was too scared to face pain and social situations that I never learned to understand or embrace because I never had a paternal figure, it only made me hold more hate insight me as it was not channelled well enough, that is the only reason why maybe I have such a cynical optimist behaviour, and it is optimistic because I always kept fighting my nihilistic nature. You will always see me smile, but deep down something ugly lies. I also never learned effective decision making, I was always split between right and left which follows me until today. I feel that I have some deep bitterness inside me that I am fighting very hard to dissolve.

When I reached 13 I moved to my mother, we had financial problems almost all 7 years that I stayed with her until I reached maturity and decided to move out. It was that bad that not only I had a stepfather that did not work and abused me mentally by screaming and me and sometimes even raising his hands on me and my belongings such as barely working computer and the only thing that was making me happy back then- videogames which I am fighting against the addiction today, but my mother never showed any kind of support except making sure that I always have something to eat, she tried to engage in some conversations but her behaviour and impulsiveness in talking language discouraged any opening from my side. She, of course, rebelled against my step-father but never taking any major change. It was always just arguing with no conclusion.

I finished middle school with excellency for that reasons teachers pushed me to pursue my education in the best high school, I chose the last day of the summer I remember, and I could not afford school books. I had to work abusively on the side on the weekends to afford them only during the second semester in the year, which made me fail most of my exams, shame at school for not having books or not doing my homework, teachers were hardly understandable because of it, not considering that because of the abuse at home and total absence of the mother interventions I had depression without even knowing it. It wasn't bad enough to call social workers but even if it was I would like to move to an orphanage of any sort. That was not an option.

Also, I had severe acne that started when I was 13 and persevered until I was 21, because of which I did not have many relationships and totally destroyed my confidence and social skills. My mother refused to take me to a dermatologist because she thought that was totally normal to have pimples big like a coca-cola bottle cup on your forehead, which to this day I have scars that always help to make me feel more secure and appreciative of her caring. Gladly that is something that I already accepted and dealt with seeking help on my own when I moved out. But to this day I have an acne problem and I'm 25.

My mother was drinking since I remember but she drinks at least a glass of whisky/vodka or some wine since I was 13 EVERY SINGLE DAY until today, and she smokes nearly a pack a day of cigarettes. She, of course, refuses to admit she is an abusive drinker, she justifies it that she does not drink to be unconscious, but that does not make it better.
This is something that not only disgusts me but also totally confuses me. She always had money for these abuses but she did not have money to buy me school books, speaking rationally to her was a waste of time because I attempted many times for both my and her sake as I cared for her health. Because I was constantly abused by my stepfather mainly mentally to a point where he was even telling me how much I can eat or how much warm water I am using, I decided to drop out from high school and moved out as I was near self-harm or killing him. The reason why I did not get into smoking and drinking and possibly drug abusing is mostly a miracle. I tried my share but I prioritised other things.

She totally failed to acknowledge to this day all the bad that she did to me, both indirectly and directly, which I cannot ignore, It would be enough a simple apology, but the fact that she refuses to see what she failed to do or provide me when I was younger simple makes me despise her, especially when she thinks that the person I am today it is totally thanks to her and that she did a great job in raising me. Sorry mom, not really thanks to you, you're not someone I would consider an example to follow, all I appreciate in my mother is her infinite love towards me and her determination in never giving up and providing to both me and my grandmother when I was younger but I cannot forgive her self-harm in between and total indifference towards the way she was raising me, yes I was free and back then was great, but now I realised that I lacked discipline. I understand she tried bad, she provided me with a roof, she gave me food but she has all bad qualities I despise in a person, not only that. I totally disagree with her way of being, living and decision making.

Now that I am 25, she developed asthma because of smoking, she has only 1 kidney and she also had a stroke recently, which I attribute to her poor habits, she refuses to take care of herself and she has such childish behaviour and poor language that I am simply ashamed to be her son, and trust me I saw worst mothers than her, she does actually care from deep of her heart about me.

She never kept promises apart few exceptions, hers are only words, she promised me so many things that now when she says something I let it in and let it out. I never had a birthday cake, except those that my sort of friends made me, I hate birthdays to this day, makes me feel anxious. If I had children I would never present them to her, today I told her that I hate her and I would prefer that she died already to spare me losing patience over her irresponsible behaviour because I am seriously done on trying to care for a walking cadaver, we both cried after what was said. I felt sorry for that. But I realised I am done with toxic behaviour of my mother, I do not like her as a person and she refuses to stop for once and listen to me. Our conversations are monologues, its only her talking, always. And when I talk, it feels like she does not understand what I say. I hate the fact that she loves me with all her heart but she fails to take care of herself. She is 42 and she weighs 50kg, she looks like an anorexic.

I just want to know, why I feel that my mother is so responsible for my present self, even tho I am a self-analysing person and ALWAYS tried to divert from that hate-blame foolishness towards her, and started to blame myself for not being good enough to find a way to deal with these issues.

I have a stable job now, I never started university because I never finished my education then I moved out to yet another country, I never finished A levels but I fully feel like I have all the right to blame my mother for my current condition and her lack of support, the point is that I just don't want to, it feels so belittling. There was always emotional support from her, but that seems like nothing to me as I feel like I was always an introvert, always on my own and she never understood me anyway. I do not want to blame her for what is done, but on the other hand, I hardly can let go what happened until she admits that this is something that happened and she fails to acknowledge it.

Now tell me where all this hate is coming from and why I hate probably the only person that truly loves me but has issues like every other human being on this Earth?
Hi rusko, your post made me sad. I also came here to pour out about my mum. I'm 30 now with 2 children. Like you I had the basics, food clothes etc but there was always this lack of emotional support from my mum. She kept me safe and alive but now as an adult I look back and see that she left me without alot of the support and life skills I needed to be a confident happy adult. One of the things that hurts the most is knowing I'll never know who I could have been if I had been brought up by a mum capable of boosting me instead of making me feel stupid. My mum firstly didn't do affection. Kisses, cuddles, love you, reassurance and caring chats were not offered. If I cried I got ignored. My mum mocks emotion. When my dog died I sobbed and sobbed. I'll always remember my mum saying she couldn't even think about herself as I was being so over the top. I have so many memories of this.... the second thing was my mum didn't make us feel special. Like you birthdays were not a big thing. No parties, no special extras, sometimes a cake. I used to envy my friends as they always had a party. My mum never gave me a taste of life.i have no memories of trips to the parks, walks, going out for dinner, cuddling up on the sofa etc. She never took us to the cinema, never put our hair up, never spent quality time talking to us, never gave us ideas about what we could be, what we were good at. Never opened my eyes up to getting a career, getting out into the world, Never took us on holiday. The list goes on and on.

A few months ago she told me she never wanted kids, she had us because herc2 husbands wanted them. She wanted a boy but got 4 girls. I think that disappointed her further. When she said she never planned on having kids I realised massively that the way She behaves is probably due to that.

I have 2 children. I very much wanted to be a mum. It was my plan and when I fell pregnant I loved the journey. I daydreams about my kids. The bond we would have. The things we would do. They are now 4 and 0ne. Even though I'm struggling with what I didn't have I have already given my kids more experience than I ever had. They've been to the seaside for a week twice. Theyve eaten out in lots of places. My daughters done nursery, playgroup, been to more parks than I can count. We cuddle and have stories every night. We talk about feelings and love. My kids give me this huge comfort. I feel like a failure sometimes. I feel really guilty that I have a secret dislike inside for my mum but then I remember, she didn't do those things for me. The things I deserved. I'm having to try and learn how to be a confident adult who can try things I should of done years ago. It is hard. So hard to think of what you could of had.

You have the right to dislike your mum. You are not a bad person. She was too busy with her own thing to see her little boy needed her. Sadly these things can't be undone. But you need to try and make a life of your own and fill it with what you deserve. I've wasted so much energy questioning myself. I have days where I genuinely don't know whether j love her or or not. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I'm so sorry I've babbled on about myself. I just hope it helps too see it happened to me too. Just hard an amazing person. It's inside you waiting to come out. I hope you find some peace x
 
Rusko

Rusko

Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
20
Location
UK
Hi rusko, your post made me sad. I also came here to pour out about my mum. I'm 30 now with 2 children. Like you I had the basics, food clothes etc but there was always this lack of emotional support from my mum. She kept me safe and alive but now as an adult I look back and see that she left me without alot of the support and life skills I needed to be a confident happy adult. One of the things that hurts the most is knowing I'll never know who I could have been if I had been brought up by a mum capable of boosting me instead of making me feel stupid. My mum firstly didn't do affection. Kisses, cuddles, love you, reassurance and caring chats were not offered. If I cried I got ignored. My mum mocks emotion. When my dog died I sobbed and sobbed. I'll always remember my mum saying she couldn't even think about herself as I was being so over the top. I have so many memories of this.... the second thing was my mum didn't make us feel special. Like you birthdays were not a big thing. No parties, no special extras, sometimes a cake. I used to envy my friends as they always had a party. My mum never gave me a taste of life.i have no memories of trips to the parks, walks, going out for dinner, cuddling up on the sofa etc. She never took us to the cinema, never put our hair up, never spent quality time talking to us, never gave us ideas about what we could be, what we were good at. Never opened my eyes up to getting a career, getting out into the world, Never took us on holiday. The list goes on and on.
Maybe I did not express myself well enough, but my mom provided me with all emotional support of this kind, kisses, hugs, always telling me she loves me, reassuring me that all be ok, never involving me into real life matters in order to protect me and give me some childhood. That was never too much, she always wanted a boy and I was also a single child.
The support I never had was that I never could rely on her in term of financial and advise help in my late teenage years. I simply did not trust her, I remember one episode I told her something private and she told that to half of the people she knew, even when I told her not to share it. After that I never spoke about my private things with her and when I tried to speak in general, she hardly could understand how I feel. But what hurt most was that I did not have most of the things that my peers had, not even decent clothes which made me feel unconfident, but that would not be a problem if she could simply made me understand how insignificant it is.

A few months ago she told me she never wanted kids, she had us because herc2 husbands wanted them. She wanted a boy but got 4 girls. I think that disappointed her further. When she said she never planned on having kids I realised massively that the way She behaves is probably due to that.
That is really sad to read too.

I have 2 children. I very much wanted to be a mum. It was my plan and when I fell pregnant I loved the journey. I daydreams about my kids. The bond we would have. The things we would do. They are now 4 and 0ne. Even though I'm struggling with what I didn't have I have already given my kids more experience than I ever had. They've been to the seaside for a week twice. Theyve eaten out in lots of places. My daughters done nursery, playgroup, been to more parks than I can count. We cuddle and have stories every night. We talk about feelings and love. My kids give me this huge comfort. I feel like a failure sometimes. I feel really guilty that I have a secret dislike inside for my mum but then I remember, she didn't do those things for me. The things I deserved. I'm having to try and learn how to be a confident adult who can try things I should of done years ago. It is hard. So hard to think of what you could of had.
You will be a great mum, just from the way you write I can tell that you don't want to make the same mistakes as your mom does, which is iconic because that is the same thing my mother said about herself, my grandmother died from cancer, she actually got pregnant by accident and never wanted my mother, my mom had a terrible infancy and was adopted by my gran grandmother and her husband which is the grandmother that I said I lived with.
Her mom was an abusive drinker and smoker too, yet my mom did not learn much from her, unfortunately, it was like going to the gym and focusing yourself just on one set of muscles instead on all the body if you know the metaphor. She wanted me to have the life She never had.

You have the right to dislike your mum. You are not a bad person. She was too busy with her own thing to see her little boy needed her. Sadly these things can't be undone. But you need to try and make a life of your own and fill it with what you deserve. I've wasted so much energy questioning myself. I have days where I genuinely don't know whether j love her or or not. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I'm so sorry I've babbled on about myself. I just hope it helps too see it happened to me too. Just hard an amazing person. It's inside you waiting to come out. I hope you find some peace x
This makes me slightly relieved yet does not give me peace. Every time when I do not talk with her or see her it is fine, my mind hardly thinks about my mother or bitterness I feel towards her. It is when I actually see her, when speak with her it hurts my ears when she talks, it hurts my mind what she thinks and it pisses me off what she became. It is like I am allergic to her being and until the past few days when I literally bursted telling her that I hate her, I am ashamed of her and would prefer her to die already because it would spare me the patience of worrying about her irresponsibility that was a bit too much I think. But she does not addresses what I say to her and I just bursted because I was so angry at her. That is how bad I feel about her, and that is very sad because she loves me with all her hearth.

She said that all she wants is to see her grandchildren and she can die. You know how horrbile this sounds? I told her I would never present my grandchildren to her because I despise the way she lives, she does not pursue any intellectual nor idealistic ideas, she does not read, she can barely write correctly in her own language. That is what I call ''meaningless'' yet it hurts my ears when I hear her talking. I do not know anymore. I think I will just apologise to her and pretend that everything is alright, even she does not deserve to hear something like that. When I read that again it makes me cry after all, but I know that when I talk with her it is totally another story.

She is my mother after all, can't forget what she has done for me, I love her in my own way, but her being works on me like red colour works on bulls.
 
C

Charlene89

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Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
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I think sometimes it's better to walk away from a situation that's causing you to feel so much hurt hate and anger. I guess from the upbringing your mum had she was perhaps not taught these things. I'm never sure with my mum why she is so cold and uncomfortable with showing emotion. She speaks highly of my grandparents (Both have been dead a long time now) but there's no signs of a bad childhood. I do get where you are coming from feeling disappointment and anger that she wasn't present in the way you needed her in those awkward hard teenage years. It's definitely an age where you need that support and guidance from Some One. You are saying you needed her to look up to and for her to show you the way more than she did. I know our situations are different but I truly do understand. I went through a stage years ago where I would just day dream about a different life. I'd have a different family and I always had a dad and never a mum in these day dreams. Sounds crazy but it was obviously me trying to shut out how I felt towards my mum and my idea of mums was cold and unloving. These things really do mess with your head. I think perhaps you are better off leaving yourrelationship with your mum behind. It doesn't sound healthy at all. It leaves you hurting. If you are happy in other areas of your life then that's where you should put your heart and he proud of the man you are despite any shortcomings you have had x
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
Yeah the forgiveness its only natural to have difficulty in this I am not through the whole thing myself and have to choose not to dwell on it and as my counsellor says best park it! And focus on my strategies of reducing the harm/damage instead.

Parents hey, they can only parent by what they received or didn’t receive and if they had a horrendous childhood and then go on and have children who would not necessarily ever be aware of that.
 
M

Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
171
Location
USA
I understand why you hate her. She didn't put you first. She didn't take care of you properly. She didn't connect to you. She didn't protect you. She chose horrible partners. She allowed you to be abused. It just goes on and on. I understand. I'm so sorry.
My mother was pretty awful too. I was horribly depressed. I almost died from an eating disorder. I needed years of therapy. But it helped. It changed my life actually. I healed. I had children and put them first. I connected with them and protected them. I am happy. It is absolutely possible. I wish you healing and happiness.
 
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