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I hate my Aspergers. So. Much.

SilentButCaring82

SilentButCaring82

Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Palatine, IL. USA
I don't know what I expect here, I don't trust anyone anymore and those select few that I do trust have their own things to deal with. I'm in a haze right now. The flashback just happened and I apologize in advance if I trigger anyone or whatever. I just need to get it out.

The flashbacks are more frequent. They trigger me into a hopeless depressive anger aimed at myself. Why couldn't I have been better? I scream until my throat hurts. I'm glad I never was given a roommate, they'd call the police on me.

I want to change everything about who I was then, so I'm not where I am now. If I wasn't so scared to do anything then... I don't know, but I would be in a better place mentally today.

I keep living, nothing ever happens to me. I'm overweight, my blood pressure is high, but every doctor visit confirms an otherwise clean bill of health. No cancer, no disease of any kind. Nothing is killing me today. Why do I still have to be here? What more will it take?

I had been putting together a class reunion planned for this year, but COVID forced me to cancel. I was supposed to be able to change everyone's view of me, to erase that kid I was. But I guess it was never meant to be. I can't change what I am. A coward, a stranger, a mentally handicapped dumbass. I've been fighting that label my whole life, to no avail. Ha. Maybe it was all pointless. I should just accept it. I was placed in a community for the mentally handicapped after my mom died. Oh never mind that I can take care of myself, nevermind that I can't have normal conversations with any of my autistic neighbors.
No, that's not a fair assessment, they're good people.

The problem is me. The county social workers had to dumb me down just so I'd be allowed in here, to fit on their autism spectrum. Do I even have autism? I don't know. I was diagnosed back in 1999 with Aspergers by a doctor the school picked out, because my mom wouldn't get off their back about me not needing special ed classes, which they thought I needed. I definitely had a learning disability, and I was super shy, but I dunno if it's Aspergers. I met others with the condition, not finding much common ground with them. But I've also been told I'm really high on the spectrum, so who knows.

My dad's attorneys took our house to sell, it had to pay for his medical treatment, right? So for me, it was either this, or living on the street. I still have the dreams where he's yelling and throwing things. Mom and I have to hide in our rooms until the storm passes. Either that, or the other dream, my favorite (sarcasm), we're in the car with him and suddenly something pisses him off, he chases after another car. The police are chasing us. He doesn't stop. I stay and watch as mom screams at him to stop.

Dad never scared me, I was always just scared for mom. But that's not where the flashbacks come from. Oh no. I created my own hell. Dad had nothing to do with it.

I was always shy. More shy than probably the shyest kid you ever knew. Even thinking about talking to someone terrified me. What if they hated me, or laughed at my voice? I had a speech impediment, you see. It was fixed mostly with surgery in my freshman year of high school. I still hear it every time I talk, though. Even now. Funny, isn't it? My mom, my dad, even my old counselor said that I sounded completely different. But I still hear that old awful voice. I think it will always be there. The kid that no one could understand never left me.

In my flashback today I was in the high school hallway, I could see everyone, my old friends from elementary, my peers, my crush... and my voice is silent. I wanted to call out to them, but I was too afraid. Social anxiety. Aspergers! The damn curse on me. So instead, I am yelling at myself, calling myself awful names. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve anyone. I am creepy, I am weird, I don't belong.

I have been trying so hard since mom passed, since I lost my home, to make up for who I was. The creepy kid. I don't want to be him anymore. But he comes back so often in these flashbacks. I've texted many people from my school, making friends with them, the way I wanted to. I want us to be kids again so I can get a second chance. Erase who I was from their memories. From my own memory.

The memories are still there, and I still have trouble coming up with anything interesting to say. I hate the sound of my voice.

I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I'm going mad when I fight against it. So, fine. I am unwanted, I am creepy, I am a monster. I don't know what else to say at this point. I'm so tired of fighting it.

I don't know what I did to deserve this Aspergers Syndrome. I just want to be normal.
 
A

Am33

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
382
Location
Fiji
I just read what you wrote I think you are very articulate .Don't let any "label " define you ever you are far more than that I can sense it in your words . So stop living in the past we can't live there we can only live in the " now " we all had childhoods that weren't ideal . Look at all the crap you went through and you are still here. A tire that stands still is easy to knock over , but once it gets moving you a cant knock it over it can get pushed in a different direction , but can be set back on course with another push . So get moving ! Find positive affirmations on the net do them everyday for 1 hr out loud . Work on your psychology your limiting beliefs see a therapist lots youtube videos on it too . Maybe you went through all the " stuff " to be a example to others there is hope you can get better people aren't labels .
 
SilentButCaring82

SilentButCaring82

Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Palatine, IL. USA
I just read what you wrote I think you are very articulate .Don't let any "label " define you ever you are far more than that I can sense it in your words . So stop living in the past we can't live there we can only live in the " now " we all had childhoods that weren't ideal . Look at all the crap you went through and you are still here. A tire that stands still is easy to knock over , but once it gets moving you a cant knock it over it can get pushed in a different direction , but can be set back on course with another push . So get moving ! Find positive affirmations on the net do them everyday for 1 hr out loud . Work on your psychology your limiting beliefs see a therapist lots youtube videos on it too . Maybe you went through all the " stuff " to be a example to others there is hope you can get better people aren't labels .
I don't like the "now". Everyone is yelling, my mental abuse only got worse these past 4 years, and I'm terrified of people. Never know what side they'll be on. At least back then I was sheltered from the world, and the only problem aside from not being able to talk to people, was dealing with my dad. I look back on how much better I felt then. I was depressed, sure, but I wasn't losing my mind and having flashbacks or bad dreams. I've been looking unsuccessfully for a counselor, my insurance must really suck because no one takes it. I don't have much money, so I can't even afford the online ones.

Mom didn't leave me in a good position when she passed. I guess she never thought about me having a future without her. She was a great lady but we had an unhealthy relationship of dependence on each other. I depended on her for feeding me and taking care of my money, and she depended on me for love and companionship, as dad wasn't good enough for either. Honestly, I had to teach myself to cook and everything while mom was out at work. She never really tried to teach me anything, I think she needed my dependence, to know that she was useful to someone. So I never told her. We both survived dad's mental abuse for years and years. We needed each other. Now I'm facing abuse on my own, from people I never met, every day. They hide with the nice people, so I can't tell who's who.

I prefer the past. At least I feel like I know everyone from school. They're not going to hurt me, or yell at me. I've been watching them for years, I know their lives. Like Quasimodo in the bell tower, memorizing their faces, carving them out of wood. He knows them even if they'll never know him. I wanted to be part of their lives but the best I could ever do back then was watch. And they never noticed me. They're always told not to stare at the special kids, and I guess I presented myself in that way too, so they don't see me watching them, listening to their conversations. I wish now I could have done more.

Think of all the times we could have spent, all the fun memories we could have made, if I befriended them. Group photos! I wish I had that! On Facebook, they sometimes show off old pictures of them with their friends. No one has any old photos of me, though.

Now, none of them have time for that anymore. They have families of their own, they're adults. I like talking to them through text, but that's all it can be. I blew every chance I had because of my cowardice, and it haunts me so much.

I'm existing, my tire is moving, but I don't feel motivated to go anywhere. I'm just waiting for some outside force to knock me over.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
921
I don't know what I expect here, I don't trust anyone anymore and those select few that I do trust have their own things to deal with. I'm in a haze right now. The flashback just happened and I apologize in advance if I trigger anyone or whatever. I just need to get it out.

The flashbacks are more frequent. They trigger me into a hopeless depressive anger aimed at myself. Why couldn't I have been better? I scream until my throat hurts. I'm glad I never was given a roommate, they'd call the police on me.

I want to change everything about who I was then, so I'm not where I am now. If I wasn't so scared to do anything then... I don't know, but I would be in a better place mentally today.

I keep living, nothing ever happens to me. I'm overweight, my blood pressure is high, but every doctor visit confirms an otherwise clean bill of health. No cancer, no disease of any kind. Nothing is killing me today. Why do I still have to be here? What more will it take?

I had been putting together a class reunion planned for this year, but COVID forced me to cancel. I was supposed to be able to change everyone's view of me, to erase that kid I was. But I guess it was never meant to be. I can't change what I am. A coward, a stranger, a mentally handicapped dumbass. I've been fighting that label my whole life, to no avail. Ha. Maybe it was all pointless. I should just accept it. I was placed in a community for the mentally handicapped after my mom died. Oh never mind that I can take care of myself, nevermind that I can't have normal conversations with any of my autistic neighbors.
No, that's not a fair assessment, they're good people.

The problem is me. The county social workers had to dumb me down just so I'd be allowed in here, to fit on their autism spectrum. Do I even have autism? I don't know. I was diagnosed back in 1999 with Aspergers by a doctor the school picked out, because my mom wouldn't get off their back about me not needing special ed classes, which they thought I needed. I definitely had a learning disability, and I was super shy, but I dunno if it's Aspergers. I met others with the condition, not finding much common ground with them. But I've also been told I'm really high on the spectrum, so who knows.

My dad's attorneys took our house to sell, it had to pay for his medical treatment, right? So for me, it was either this, or living on the street. I still have the dreams where he's yelling and throwing things. Mom and I have to hide in our rooms until the storm passes. Either that, or the other dream, my favorite (sarcasm), we're in the car with him and suddenly something pisses him off, he chases after another car. The police are chasing us. He doesn't stop. I stay and watch as mom screams at him to stop.

Dad never scared me, I was always just scared for mom. But that's not where the flashbacks come from. Oh no. I created my own hell. Dad had nothing to do with it.

I was always shy. More shy than probably the shyest kid you ever knew. Even thinking about talking to someone terrified me. What if they hated me, or laughed at my voice? I had a speech impediment, you see. It was fixed mostly with surgery in my freshman year of high school. I still hear it every time I talk, though. Even now. Funny, isn't it? My mom, my dad, even my old counselor said that I sounded completely different. But I still hear that old awful voice. I think it will always be there. The kid that no one could understand never left me.

In my flashback today I was in the high school hallway, I could see everyone, my old friends from elementary, my peers, my crush... and my voice is silent. I wanted to call out to them, but I was too afraid. Social anxiety. Aspergers! The damn curse on me. So instead, I am yelling at myself, calling myself awful names. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve anyone. I am creepy, I am weird, I don't belong.

I have been trying so hard since mom passed, since I lost my home, to make up for who I was. The creepy kid. I don't want to be him anymore. But he comes back so often in these flashbacks. I've texted many people from my school, making friends with them, the way I wanted to. I want us to be kids again so I can get a second chance. Erase who I was from their memories. From my own memory.

The memories are still there, and I still have trouble coming up with anything interesting to say. I hate the sound of my voice.

I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I'm going mad when I fight against it. So, fine. I am unwanted, I am creepy, I am a monster. I don't know what else to say at this point. I'm so tired of fighting it.

I don't know what I did to deserve this Aspergers Syndrome. I just want to be normal.
i have bad social anxiety myself....its a real bummer.....haven't had a friend in nearly 20 yrs.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,194
We're all friends here, keep posting and Merry Christmas to you :) There is a link here to a free 30 day Social Confidence challenge, and the video also talks about resistance to change. This guy has intrigued me and I have signed upto the challenge, it's free and I have nothing to lose except a bit of my free time. Perhaps it might be of some benefit to you too, possibly worth a try? Hope this helps :)
 
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