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I hate life

J

JasonR28

Guest
I know people may try and say things like it isnt that bad or even ways they think may change the situation...but nothing will.

Social anxiety and depression have ruined my life. Beyond any repair. DR's are no help, they don't understand those problems and as a result a traumatic time booking and going to an appointment has always been met with no result or help offered.

I truly hate my family and while people may say I shouldn't wish this on anyone, I whole heartedly wish both of them would be struck down with deadly cancer and die.

They make my life a living hell, caused my social anxiety and always put me down.

My mother is ill herself with parkinsons, yet the thoughts and knowledge side of her brain isn't damaged so apart from mobility issues she is fine.

She always blames me for things I haven't done. She says so many horrible things to me such as on 1 occasion said she hopes I get parkinsons disease. She threatens to stop my carers allowance that I claim for helping with her care. Yet if I ever try and defend myself, at a later date she doesn't bring up or remember what she said to me, but will bring up and mention the ways I defended myself.

She bad mouths me to people. Writes letters to her friends saying that i'm a waste of space, lazy and I always cause her trouble. She even said to a social worker the other day that i'm horrible, lazy and no son of hers.

Depression is a horrible thing, but do I get any support from her? Nope. In fact she makes it 10 times worse. She tells me i'm lazy, should just get a job and snap out of it. If i'm going through a very depressive time she just writes letters to her friends saying she can't cope with me and i'm causing her trouble.

The low look on my face is turned into sinister thoughts by her. She said the other week "Look at you, you junkie. You need to get off the drugs, you are disgusting... Look at your face, those boggly eyes, high as a kite". When the reality is I never have and never will touch drugs. She has even told me before she doesn't care if I just go and kill myself.

My grandmother (the other family member) is just as bad. She makes me feel so low about myself. She dismisses everything I say, makes me feel thick and stupid and never listens to me.

She often tells me to shut my mouth, to get out of her house (when I haven't done anything wrong apart from make suggestions to help her) and will make me feel so thick and stupid.

If I defend myself when she tells me to shut my mouth she will just tell me to pack my stuff and go. It's like blackmail. I either accept being spoken to like dirt and say nothing or she will always tell me to get out. On 1 occasion I was given anti depressants my grandmother said to keep taking them as they will calm me down. It was just a salt in the wounds comment.

She too is in denial, she has said numerous times that she has done nothing wrong and its all me. Behind my back she says im bad tempered and nothing but trouble.

When I calmly sit them both down and try to explain everything, how what they think of me is incorrect and I only defend myself when they say something horrible to me, I am told things like "I'm not interested and don't care anymore". My opinion is never heard or considered. When I try to explain about depression/social anxiety I am told that I am just lazy or at best "well you know how we feel now".


Due to them I have previously fallen into a path of gambling. This was to ease the pain of the way my own family speak of me and think of me. Unfortunately I became addicted and went through recovery to quit. This is always used in arguments though mainly by my mother. She will out of the blue bring up comments like "Well you are a dirty gambling addict".

It's horrible. They treat me like this yet people on the outside just see it as a kind elderly lady caring for her ill daughter and they believe them both when they bad mouth me or tell people i'm trouble.

I haven't done anything wrong. I'm belittled and pushed out by my own family, which over time has caused me to develop social anxiety and become a very nervous person. This prevents me having friends, a job and the life I want to live.

It's that sort of cycle going round and round.... They never take responsibility and will always blame me. The way they treat me = Caused my SA = Often slides me into depression = Seen as even more of a waste of space by them.
 
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fair&square75

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
166
Location
England
Hi Jason...i couldn't help but reply to your posts,its no wonder you feel the way you do with your closest family members treating you like that over & over...i got angry when I read your post because so many of us suffer more deeply when around negativity and bad attitudes towards our illness,like that,I'm so sorry you have to go through this.I myself have had similar attitudes and treatment but not to this extent,but it would bring anyone down this....now since I've become older,I literally snap at these kind of behaviours (if anyone dares that is) I have a short fuse just through what you explain. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? I find alot of older people (not all) don't believe about mental illness because they were brought up in another time,but that is them and we are us who were born when we were,some people need to learn to adjust to the times and for all some might think we have it all in this day and age,they couldn't be more wrong...apparently there is an epidemic of mentally ill people,and I blame alot on the way life is now....please try keep posting if you can,there will be alot of people here who can relate and maybe offer advice,sorry ur going through this Jason,it must be hell �� x
 
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J

JasonR28

Guest
Thanks for the reply...

The key problem is money and opportunities. Looked into that before.

Broken down I receive £420 a month carers allowance and income support combined. My options for moving out:

- Go on the council list to try and get a cheap property rental (I would not be classed as a priority on this list, average waiting time for somewhere to be available would be 18 months)

- Rent from a letting agent (too costly, averages £450 a month rent. £1000 deposit needed, an admin fee, then on top of rent would need to pay council tax, electric, water and gas bills)

- Private rental (These are rare as hell, barely any are available and average £450 a month but with all bills paid)

- Finding somewhere and claiming government housing benefit to pay some of the rent (As i'm under 35, I am not entitled to housing benefit towards flat rentals. The only housing benefit I would receive would be towards a single room bedsit. In this town there are 3 main buildings that have bedsits. Each of them have multiple drug users in some of the rooms and are places filled with trouble and anti social behaviour. A few months back for example someone was stabbed there over a drug deal).

Leaving here would mean I wouldn't even get that £420 a month as my carers allowance would be stopped. I would be on jobseekers allowance which is roughly £280 a month.

Working would be ideal to earn a good wage to rent a flat. Yet because of social anxiety, I can't get a job. Believe me, I have tried so many times and had so many interviews but because of my nervous person trait, I am not given a chance.

So yeah, as you can see from that. There's no option to move out. I have previously enquired at citizens advice and the council office who have told me the exact thing I wrote above.

I'm glad you made those steps and are having a better life for it.
 
J

JasonR28

Guest
Thanks fair&square75 for the kind words and supportive comment.

What really gets to me is they do all this and treat me in that way and after or at a later date deny ever saying that or treating me like that. It was mental torture knowing what they had said to me but having them deny they ever said it.

I have started recording them now though, even for my own sanity. In 1 recorded incident my grandmother was shouting at my mother who was having a panic attack. In the recording you hear me calmly say "Don't shout at her", my grandmother replied saying "you shut your mouth you, I wan't you to pack your bags and go... Just go, you are not welcome here".

I agree with so many people not understanding mental health problems. It's highly frustrating when I sit them down, tell them stuff in confidence and truthfully about it. Then they twist it all round, use it in arguments and throw it in my face. My mother has called me a mental case so many times before based on what I told her in confidence about how i'm coping.

The only person I can talk to is my girlfriend. She doesn't live in this town though and there's not really an option for me to move there. She has witnessed the way they treat me and actually was present on 1 occasion when my own mother called me ugly, rough and a junkie. Needless to say she stuck up for me, which my mother didn't like. My mum told her that shes nothing to do with this family and that i'm her son so she can talk to me however she wishes.
 
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fair&square75

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
166
Location
England
I cant help but wonder Jason if you ever would have been inflicted with this illness if it wasn't for them,that is way too much to be dealing with when you are already suffering,you have done brilliant in getting this far,I've fell out with many family members but it must be different with your own mother...you know,once I got a council house under strange circumstances,I'm sure if you explained a little more to them they might be able to try get you a little house or flat? And you could get housing benefit to cover the rent...because from what you explain I don't think they will ever understand or even try to :/ just having your own place alone would lift a lot off your shoulders I dare bet,just something to think about maybe,you could claim employment support allowance too x
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Agree fair andsquare75. If your dr is treating you for your illness, most councils will take circumstances into account and you would be entitled to more points. If you have ever had counselling a counsellor or dr would usually write a letter for you to say your living situation is hampering your recovery, and a copy of a prescription for any medication is usually what councils require, it's really worth persuing,
Sorry you are suffering so much right now.
 
J

JasonR28

Guest
Thanks both... actually a few bits to add based on those points.

The NHS are utterly useless. I have now been a total of 38 times to see different GP's for help with my SA and depression over the past 5 or 6 years. Each time I was fobbed off. I tried to kill myself once and after seeing a mental health team at hospital they said that i'm fine, its just stress and sent me home.

The 1 time I was given the time of day was when I was given citalopram. 1 week I went and was told she can see I am depressed (although classed it as mild) and she signed me off. I had claimed ESA at that point, yet the next time I saw her (2 weeks later before citalopram would have even kicked in) she went back on that, told me i'm fine and its just stress.

My last NHS GP visit was even worse. I had to drink alcohol before I went. This was to get rid of social anxiety so I didnt get too nervous and could think of what to say. I saw him and he was very rude. He was telling me how often social anxiety occurs because of the way I act. He said that for example if I looked at the floor when walking, I bring attention to myself and get a feeling that everyone is looking at me. I left there with nothing more than a piece of paper showing details about a book that I could read. He was more interested in saying that I have an alcohol problem and offering help for it (even though I don't and only drank that day because of social anxiety).

Back to ESA and the last time I was claiming that, I had an assessment.... Because it's a mental illness, not a physical illness I was declared as fit to work and had my ESA money stopped.

So yeah, depression and social anxiety are currently not treated and im not on any meds.


I will try the council housing thing again but it's doubtful. According to figures more than 5000 people are on our local council's list, but only 5 properties become available each week.

I tried with housing benefit to help me with a potential flat rental from a letting agency a while back. I explained the whole situation but was told rules are rules and the only housing benefit I could get would be towards bedsit rental :(
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi Jason,

Yes the system can be very difficult. In my experience the only way to get anywhere is to be persistent. Which is usually the worst thing for anyone with MH illness to have to cope with. I know I felt I just didn't have the patience or motivation to help myself most of the time. It got to the point were I just had to...it made me feel ill though and I hated doing it...your dr could help a lot more, initially I think I was sent away with some stuff my dr printed off the internet....I went back a month later in a worst state and told him he had to help me....I self referred for cbt, anyone can do that, and it is very useful, (you can refer yourself online I think)there are long waiting lists but time goes quick..it wasn't so much the cbt that helped me but the advice they gave and the guidance and support from the therapist. Different areas have different waiting lists. I know it took a lot of patience, but if you follow the cbt route and go with their help, they will guide you if they see you want to change your situation....the first sessions for me were on the telephone..I stuck with it, and eventually had face to face counselling...I learnt so much from this route, it took time, but it was worth it...your dr can refer you too, I inow you don't rate your dr, but ask him to refer you for cbt as you feel so bad and your situation is not improving...I really hope you find the strength to move forward on days when you feel able to, wishing you well....x
 
bluemoon2

bluemoon2

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 26, 2014
Messages
108
The council route is your best option financially. I did the council route at 23 when I became homeless due to it becoming impossible to live in a controlling environment with my mental health problems. It was the best decision I made at the time because if I didn't make it then I may still be where I am now. Just be wary of the tenancies they eventually offer to you because if you get antisocial neighbours it's hard for them to relocate you or to evict your neighbours - I am now on my second property after a years battle.
 
J

JasonR28

Guest
Regarding the NHS, it's hard going back time and time again. The key thing here is I have tried everything with them. I have even given them witness statements from people who I spoke to online, my girlfriend and some of her family who know full well my situation... Yet it has always failed. At first my girlfriend didnt believe me fully that the NHS were that bad. She persisted with trying to get me to go again and try "1 final time". I went, the result was the same and she was beyond belief. I genuinely have tried as hard as I possibly can to get a correct diagnosis and help.

Actually the NHS have screwed me over so many times all round. On 1 occasion I had an operation. They sent me home with somebody else's notes to hand to my GP. When I put forward a complaint about this and other problems they caused, they were in denial and made excuses.

The problem with being classed as a vulnerable adult is via assessments, they would never class me as this pretty much because of the situation surrounding it. Way I have been brought up and treated by family = caused me to develop social anxiety. Social anxiety makes me miss out on so much due to the nervousness = Depression (because I know what I want in life and what i'm capable of, yet social anxiety makes me a loser who has nothing).

I have spoken to my girlfriend about this earlier who has now sent off various emails to my mums main consultant, GP's and the council housing office. She is fuming with the situation and hates that because of the way i'm treated that my lowness causes problems with us. She has promised that she will battle this for me until the end, even if it means taking legal action or getting in touch with an MP.

We have a meeting with my mothers main consultant in a few weeks where my GF will address the living condition for me, impact on my life and that I badly need to be out of this house which hopefully will mean the consultant can write a letter to the council housing office and state the situation to them.
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
So pleased your girlfriend is so supportive and is trying to help you. I Understand you have had a hard time with the NHS etc. unfortunately, to receive the support you need you will need the professionals on side. You have a lot going on and I understand it must be so difficult for you. Maybe your mums consultant would be willing to write to your Dr and explain your difficulties, I'm not sure , I really do wish you well in this.
 
J

JasonR28

Guest
Thanks.

I do agree and know that regarding the NHS. This is why I think more aggressive steps must be taken... They wont listen to me, they wont listen to proof and witness statements I show them. So thankfully its about letting my girlfriend rip into them.

From the outside she might be just as annoyed as me. Shes fed up of how it ruins our relationship and she does not suffer with depression or SA so can be the voice for me.

She comes here in 2 weeks time and is not happy at all (Hell, its not good to be in an argument with her as she speaks her mind).

The meeting with the consultant will go ahead and she has told me that she will talk, and not leave until she has signed documentation that i'm not able to live in this house any more.

Then my GP will be visited and the same rule will apply.

Only can try and get a result as its my health that is going down the pan
 
J

JasonR28

Guest
Well, an update.

Me and my girlfriend are taking this situation by the horns. In the last week we have been typing up letters for people to understand and read.

Let me get this right:

Police = She's an innocent elderly lady with a terminally ill woman
Social services = They only care about my mothers well-being, not mine.
Dr's = Claim it's all in my head and I need to stop letting negative thoughts get to me
Consultant = Semi understands but is too busy to do much and so it takes weeks/months for them to push anything further.


There is nobody. Not a single person to listen and understand my situation so now, while I am ill, low, even a victim as such (Yes, I hate the victim word yet that's how desperate I have become).

Things have only spiralled worse too. Me and my girlfriend had a meeting with a consultant who claimed they would push for rehousing, I explained every detail to them... A week later, nothing. They have been too busy, even though they claimed they saw it as a priority.

I had another incident last night.

The consultant told me facts, about how both my mother and grandmother had told them i'm a waste of space, useless and even a drug addict. I held it all in but had to confront my mother and grandmother.... They both denied saying a word and my grandmother went mad at me. She was screeching at me telling me to shut up and when I left the room I heard her say to my mother "I just let it go over my head, he's a mental case". I didn't even do anything. All I said was "Why are you saying negative things about me when i'm not like that?". She denied it and I left the room.

Now the situation is getting more serious.

My girlfriend is well aware of my situation and I have told her, calmly and honestly that if things don't change, I have to end my own life.

This isn't down to a mental illness or rash thinking. I'm actually so calm about it. I simply can't carry on in this situation. My girlfriend is just really upset by that as deep down, she knows how bad it is for me.

Anyway,

Next step is letters to all GP's I have seen. I will explain everything and hope I get them on side.
 
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