I hate everything

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in_nihilo

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I'm 24 years old and I have never had a real relationship. I've had sex with lots of people, sure, but it never works out no matter how much time or patience I put into it. I'm extremely alone and I really have no one to talk to about any of this aside from my psychiatrist who I see once every 2 months who has yet to completely diagnose me but has me on an anti-psychotic and an SSRI. I try to be a good and vigilant person but I was extremely prone to bouts of depression in the past, and this has been the first extremely bad instance in probably 6-7 months.

I have come to harbour a great resentment for humanity as a whole and specifically attractive women due to the amount of terrible treatment I have received at their hands. I hate humanity because I am treated as an inferior male considering I'm only 5'6 which is probably the worst fate imaginable to any male, because you are put down your whole life and expected to take it as a joke, when it so clearly is not. I know I'm attractive, but being short essentially negates that altogether in the eyes of women, even if they're shorter than you are. Everyone is expected to keep everything bottled up anyway regardless of social category, but honestly you can't even complain about this without someone chewing you out for it, so I just don't complain.

I am genuinely at a point where I sporadically cry and harm myself. I can't even go out anywhere including class because I'm just so distraught at how much I hate my life, the world and everything in it, just walking down the road or a corridor pisses me off looking at other people who I know are having a much better time of things than myself, or attractive women who I know most certainly would look down on me because of my height based on the innumerable experiences I have faced in the past. I can recall just standing around minding my own business on several separate occasions and have some girl just come up to me and state 'you're short' as if my very existence is not even valid. Like she was saying, 'you look good but being short makes you useless.'

There's no point to even try to talk to any of them anymore because I either will be rejected on the spot or later down the line for not living up to the standards of perfection that most modern women set for men. Then I have to sit up in university courses and hear all this feminist dogma about how women are just so oppressed and it's just impossible for men to be disadvantaged in society for any reason, which is rather ironic because I am made to feel pathetic and worthless by women on a regular basis. It's an extremely ridiculous double standard, especially when you hear feminists say the most generalized statements about men, but any criticism toward this ideology or women in general cannot be tolerated what so ever.

All of this being said, I can completely understand where they're coming from because I am exactly the same way, I refuse to settle for overweight women because to me that is completely unattractive and I would constantly be insecure about being with them in public. But hell, even fat girls have it better than being a short guy in terms of finding sexual companionship and they can even complain without being bashed for it. Humans are just despicable creatures and our lives are completely devoid of anything positive unless you happen to be born having all the elements that make you accepted or desired.

I completely give up; I just want to die because I know nothing will ever improve in my life. I have tried to look at things positively and be the best that I could but it clearly doesn't mean a thing to anyone, so what's the point? Might as well just end it all because this is all that life is ever going to be.
 
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Nikita

Nikita

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Hello In-nihilo:welcome:

Oh my so doomed forever because you are short and it isn't your fault it is the attractive women who spurn you.Heard about the guy who lives life to the full without arms and legs?You need to get some of his attitude and get into living,stop moaning and blaming and complaining.

Out goes doubt,complaining,arguing,talking,fear,and worry.In comes belief,dreams,love,listening,hope,relaxing,and play more.Makes a big difference.

You are short,I am fat,why not give each other a go,love looks beyond appearances.Fat,short,it is no big deal,we can allow each other our imperfections eh?Why not?

You are 24 years old,believe me there are plenty of short men who have made it with women,be inspired instead of defeated,Danny de vito, Tom Cruise,Dustin Hoffman,Robert Downey Jn,Daniel Radcliffe...Warren Davis....!the list goes on,do they worry about some superficial attractive woman's reaction to them...boring!

No they get on and do and have no shortage of women see them for who they are inside.You need to change your forcus and take notice of only the ones accept who you are not the ones who reject you.

Men get rejected 9 out of 10 times,focus on the one not rejecting and ignore the other nine,don't think about it,don;t worry about it,it doesn't matter,it doesn't matter so much it might as well not have happened for all the affect it is gonna have on you.

With that attitude you can heal and get on meet the people who want to meet you!

I hope you enjoy the forum.Nikitax
 
SewSo

SewSo

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Hello,

You seem to really be on a downer and very negative about life. I feel the same most of the time now whether depressed or not. I hope you felt better for getting that off of your chest.

I must say i have always found shorter men cute. I wish that i wasn't 6ft 1in. I did date a shorter man, 5ft 9in he was. It was awkward in the bedroom! Most women like shorter men i have found. They were always the ones at school who the girls were after.

It is true that you are not that adonis who sweeps in making girls go weak at the knees, but you are probably the man that girls would want to marry. I may look model-like, but men tend to want the shorter, curvier, cuter women. I tend to get attitude from men because they think i am up myself. They just assume this. I look awkward and feel self-concious about my height. Maybe they assume that i think i am better than they are or wouldn't give them a second look? My friend's boyfriends have often disliked me. Some men do not like tall beautiful women because she makes them feel inferior? I don't know, but i do know that i think very poorly of myself, have little confidence, and that my expression does not convey this. I look up myself, expression-wise, but i am far from it. I know not every tall woman is like me, but some are.

Depression does make us dwell on negative things and make us wonder why we are making an effort to get out of bed every day. My mood is euthymic at the moment and still i wake up wishing i was not alive. Life is far too hard. My old psychiatrist said that many of us have low-grade depressions our euthymia, so maybe that is what we are both suffering with.

Are you going to kill yourself? I don't think i will. I try to stay away from anything that stresses me or makes me feel bad and that is how i cope. I try to remain aware that i have this low-grade depression and live with it, work around it.

I hope that this sadness was just brief and that you are feeling better now but if not, please come back and write more because you will find you are not alone.
 
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in_nihilo

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Writing it did help me a bit, and at least enabled me to manage to get through my paper which was due at 10:30 this morning. Other than that though now I'm pretty much back where I started before except not as violently angry and more melancholic.

But oh that's just so reassuring that I'm marriage material and not sexually desirable because of my lack of height, I guess I'm just destined to have the role in society of being treated like an inferior. I'd like to know where you live because it seems to be completely out of sync with the rest of the world in terms of how short men are viewed and treated by women.

I'll be fully qualified to be a teacher in two months and I have job offers in Korea but that means nothing because even when I get there, these thoughts will still be present or maybe even more intense since I'll be in a society whose language I can't even speak, more than likely surrounded by co-workers who will be able to speak English but will be the same feminist minded double standard harbouring uptight twats that characterize the average girl my age who's "educated" and whose views are somehow infallible in their own minds, no matter how far removed from reality it may be. But as long as it has the feminism label slapped on, it must be inherently good no matter what, even when it is promoting gynocentrism or misandry.

My depression is quite beyond low-grade, I've already tried killing myself twice so it's quite possible I could try it again if I get bad enough. I exercise quite a bit and eat well in addition to taking the medications which seemed to be working before, so I have no idea why I'm just so distraught these days. Being cooped up in the house or the library for hours on end reading and not being able to interact with people might be playing a factor, but I'd rather do this than actually go to class because I'll just end up getting pissed off and go and get drunk or something.
 
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voyager

voyager

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Aren't the men shorter in Korea? at the very least your short stature will not be as apparent there. Maybe it would be a good move and make you feel less conscious if you considered a post there. Just a thought?
 
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in_nihilo

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Nah see I could have gotten laid 100 times over in the last month, however most of which were not what one would call attractive by any standard, or were middle aged men because my early-adolescent looking appearance apparently turns on a lot of closet creeps. Even if a hot chick were to throw herself at me at this point I'd probably tell her to fuck right off honestly, so maybe the process has already begun concerning me getting laid before it's too late. Either way harming myself is getting pretty old and my psychiatrist who's also a woman doesn't do shit aside from giving me meds which are probably the only thing keeping me from ending up in the asylum for a longer than a week duration, well along with weed of course. I'd rather die than be readmitted to the lackluster mental health facility that is available to me. Counseling makes things worse so nobody even bother mentioning that.
 
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sisterhellen

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I ll dare to say that looks dont matter to a lot of people and certainly not height. I can remember so many images of couples kissing where the man was actually shorter maybe, and still it looked very sweet and romantic because the individuals were innocently open to each other. I know I am not like most people but there are people like me that I prefer talking to, than to those that consider looks sooo important but are so superficial and boring....BTW 5'6 isnot short!
 
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in_nihilo

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Yeah you clearly have no idea what it's like to be a short man. 5'6 is very much considered short and women treat you like garbage because of it no matter how positive you behave or how nicely you treat them unless they're completely unattractive and desperate for companionship.

People are superficial and so am I, if someone is grotesquely overweight to me that is a sign that they really don't give a shit about how they look or how healthy they are in most cases so it's not completely illogical. There's no way to help me get out of this mentality because it's just my reaction to the harsh reality that is societal standards. It's impossible to change any of this which is why suicide is such an appealing solution.
 
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Nikita

Nikita

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Have you considered it is no easier to control weight than it is to control height?I am overweight but am not desperate so wouldn't feel you are an easy catch cos of your height,I would be just as fussy as you.I do care about my health and how I look,meds make me retain weight and make it hard to lose,as does not having enough money for the healthiest food choices. However when on earth did fat equal unattractive?I am attractive as well as fat.
I am beginning to think the reason women don't want to know you has nothing to do with your height and more to do with your attitude,but keep using the excuse of your height,seems to make you feel better!
 
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sisterhellen

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In my opinion and pardon me for saying this - honestly you shouldnt give a shit what people think. Even if people "like" you and accept you they still have standards for you, the ones you find out about later. Even your own parents may have standards for you and use you- and that has happened to alot of people on this earth. How do you feel about Kurt Cobain being short (it could be one of the reasons why he took his own life(!) But he was Kurt Cobain - much larger than any tall dude - even his bass player. Besides suicide is what some people would like you to do... In my own tendencies of suicide I think of how people behave when competing how disgusting it is to me to see others push others out of the way and off the "boat" in order to get a little more of this and that. Its sad how much they need it, how much they depend on it . I personally want to be free and not revolve around what others think, need or want or like. Its my life and noone elses. And the experiences I get no one else will get, its my game. No one should be allowed to take that from me by their preferences and shitty standards. I have seen some large dudes eating their meals and that was enough to make me not like that size, I dont want to go into more disgusting issues regarding size, I would if it was a private conversation but its not necessary I m sure you can think of things I have in mind
 
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sisterhellen

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Those having the standards may be more desperate than you think...
 
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sisterhellen

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I wanted to share something with you - it is for me sent today but thought it may inspire you

"I figure we have all spent a considerable amount of time dealing with the pressures of how we are described. One of the most shocking facts about my life is how few people ever really “saw” me. They connected more with their preconceived ideas about me. Then they put their trip on me about how I was supposed to be different than I was. We experience this in family, the workplace, romance, and even with our children.

Once I became interested in my own emotional healing, I was astonished to learn that I treated myself the same way. I focused more on my description of myself than my actual self. What was I doing? I had to stop this. Instead of criticizing myself for all my faults, I decided to give myself space to just be… simply be…

Activity: Throughout the day, think about how you would describe yourself and how others would describe you. Then immediately apply the understanding: You are you, not the way you or others describe you. You are the describer, not the description. Allow this activity to create a sensation and understanding of freedom for yourself. There is space for you to just be yourself. Give yourself this simple gift of freedom. Say to yourself, “I give myself the space to simply be me.”

Hint: Deep within the acceptance of your whole being, there is space for you to feel, live, and be your truth. No matter what has happened in your life, you survived. You have lived. You are loved. You are wanted. You are what really matters, not the description of you."

Love,
Hamilton
 
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in_nihilo

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Well Nikita my dear, if you don't like my opinion feel free to never comment on this thread again. Like I said, TO ME it is unattractive just like shortness is unattractive to many women. You have no idea about anything to do with my life so I will reiterate that I really don't want your help specifically because it is quite obvious you are just another one of those 'fat acceptance' people who feel the need to ram down people's throats that being fat is just so wonderful and is a point of pride. I hate being short because I am made to feel like garbage about it every single day of my life and no stupid body acceptance movement is going to make me feel better because people will still continue to degrade and reject me regardless. Oh, and it IS in fact a lot easier to control your weight than it is to control your height unless you have hypothyroidism or something, I would think that was rather obvious.
 
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in_nihilo

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And to Sisterhellen, nothing makes me feel better because I know that women look down on me and think I'm completely worthless so why even bother? No amount of inspirational adage bull is gonna pull me out of this slump because this is just the way it is and nothing can ever be done about it.
 
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sisterhellen

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In nihilo I am sorry you are right - when you are feeling bad - you are feeling bad, end of story - though I want to express to you a truth I discovered and try to remember ( in times of crisis its impossible for me too, so understand its just a crutch that sometimes gets me across but often not) that there is not only black and white there are many shades of grey too. Descriptions are limited - they are little boxes in where if we get stuck its hard to see from outside in. I mean that a description - a conclusion is never the actual truth, truth is a mystery in this life, we explore to find, but our own self in the end, but its the biggest mystery of all in where, there is a chance, all could turn upside down from one moment to the next. Nothing is permanent - everything is evolving - the thought of you today isnt the thought youll have next year... We, evolving find new friends and people around us and the old friends dont fit because we are different than what we were - its all evolution, but it cannot happen if we make a box put our poor self in there and never let it out again. The best this will achieve is suffocation. When my self tries to suffocate my self, I try and sometimes succeed to stay in a surrealistic state, saying stuff and doing stuff of no comprehension so I can fight the box, because once it has a hold of me the s... hits the fan. If I escape next time will take longer for it to come back – I kind of revolt against my sabotaging self (conditioned thoughts) -who is not my friend and doesn’t want my well being. Learning to love self - which sounds like new age bull I know - is kinda like that - you watch out for yourself like you would for your baby sister or even a newborn, would you want to tell a newborn how ugly that baby is and keep telling it each moment of the day even when it cried for some compassion from the only person there - you? That s what youre doing and I am sorry for saying this I don’t want to be judgmental but that is how I can express this truth. So be kind to yourself, try and see what happens… I hope I don’t get on your nerves with my friendly advise but then maybe if I do something else may happen next – who knows? I took my chance
 
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